The Ruins of Love's Legacy
by InfiniteDragon
Summary: Returning from his 'training trip', Naruto and Jiraiya stumble upon Team Gai, returning from an exhausting mission of their own, in Wave. However, the location of their coincidental meeting is anything but... even if the only Uzumaki among them doesn't have the faintest clue of 'why'. The ruins of Naruto's ancestral home are calling him back. Naru/Ten, possibly Naru/Ten/Shion
1. Chapter 1

**Well...** A while back, on my author profile and in a few A/Ns, I mentioned several 'side projects'. Since One Hour is going _very_ slowly (contrary to my wishes, believe me) in the whole 'winding up the last arc' thing, I figured I'd give my readers- who have been most patient so far- a teaser of things to come. I don't often post things unless they're nearing completion, except for those truly big projects (like OH). This... is one of those. It's not even 1/10th of the way finished, but it's already at 128 novel-length pages... with another 50 pages of notes. In fact, I'd put this story at about 1/20th'complete', and that's only with the loosest of measurements, simply because I don't _know_ when I will stop this one. It doesn't have a definite 'end point' yet... though there are several goals and milestones a reader who slogs through the thing (though I hope it's not actually a slog so much as an eager page-turner, of course) will be, I think, quite rewarded with said milestones.

Anyway, this chapter is largely set-up... but it's set-up for the whole story, and therefore should not be missed. You will see quickly that it is an AU, but from a point of divergence actually in-story. Any 'past' errors in continuity between things previous to "Chap.1" below and canon as of that date are purely my fault, not the fault of my great beta, Mouse... who deserves far more credit than I give him for not just checking my work for errors (which are frequent), but keeping me motivated... though I wish I could motivate him as much. Lol

A final note: The characters list Naruto and Tenten together for a reason. I hate giving out too many spoilers, but yes, through all the twists and turns, that means Naruto and Tenten will be both the primary protagonists (and antagonists), as well as the primary 'ship'. Any long-time reader of mine will know I treat relationships, especially in my writing, as a serious thing. There will be no 'bashing' of any kind, at least in that respect. There _will_ be several honest, heart-felt admissions, confessions, and other agony/angst that have to deal wtih teenage assassins/etc and their fumbling through romance.

And... well, the biggest prank war I've ever read in Fanfiction, _ever_... and again, I'm only 1/20th done as of this first post.

**Edit2:** My apologies _again _to everyone who has read this in the (night) it's been up before this update: It was FFnet that ate the scene breaks, both times, not me, and not my poor beta. This 'should' be a better copy. There are also a few instances (several) of no spaces after italics that I edited in my hard copy MONTHS ago... but that are still in this copy. I took out what I could, but... probably didn't catch them all. Anyone kind enough to review or PM me with a list will receive a possible internet cookie... or something real, if shipping isn't too much. lol

**Chap. 1 Meeting of Tides**

"Hey, Ero-Sennin, why're we going this way, anyway? I mean, couldn't we at least have stopped in the town since we're going through Nami no Kuni anyway? Don't you want to see the bridge they named after me?"

The older of the two men snorted, "Kid, if I had a ryo for every time some two-bit bridge was named after me... I'd have about ten koku."

Naruto, the younger of the two, narrowed his eyes, "Okay, first of all, it's not a two-bit bridge. It's about eight kilometers long. Second, name _one_bridge- that I can prove on a map- named after you, you old pervert."

The white-haired man attempted to smack the blonde on the back of the head, but missed. "I thought I told you not to call me that. I'm a _super_pervert, not just some run-of-the-mill loser. And we're going this way because I want to. I... used to know people from Uzu."

"Uzu? I didn't know there was a country named Uzu. Or is it a town?"

Again, Jiraiya snorted, "It's neither. Not any more. Uzushiogakure, the Village Hidden in the Maelstrom, or Whirlpool Village, was destroyed about twenty years ago. They were widely regarded as some of the most dangerous ninja in the world, and that made them a lot of enemies. During the Third Great Ninja War, several nations gathered together and wiped them out. There were only a few survivors. I know of... three, I think, and one of them has been dead for fifteen years. That's my old friend."

"Who was he?" Naruto asked, before thinking that it might be a sensitive subject. Jiraiya, while very loose-lipped much of the time (at least about inconsequential things), was very touchy about what he considered off-limits.

"She, actually..." the sage responded wistfully, staring off into the distance over a mountain they were slowly passing.  
"She?" Naruto prompted, now thoroughly intrigued, "Is this the one you've been pining over for years?"

Again, the blonde almost got slapped on the head. "No, stupid gaki. She was way too young for me. More like my daughter than anything like that. She was amazing, though, one of the strongest kunoichi I ever knew. On Tsunade's level, if not quite as , maybe stronger, if she really got into it. She was from Uzu, one of the most influential families. She was brought to Konoha a few years before the attack due to... certain events. Maybe twelve? I forget exactly how many years, but she was pretty young. Basically raised there. She was very close to one of my students, too."  
"Which one?"

But Jiraiya didn't answer. Fortunately for Naruto, he knew when the old man was lost in his memories, or unwilling to give out that information no matter how much he begged. Still, this was a lot of new information he'd already given out. He must really have liked the woman- whoever she was- to spill this much so easily.

"Hey, Ero-Sennin," he said a few minutes down the trail, "I see a campfire. Should we investigate?"  
Jiraiya blinked, "Campfire? Out here? This trail doesn't see much use. I don't see why not- let's check it out."

(O)(O)(O)

Tenten yawned. It had been a very long day. Week, really. At least the mission was over, and they were going home. Now, if only there happened to be a nice Onsen just down the road... but no. They had to make do with sleeping in filthy, bloody clothes. Dirty, sweaty... at least, she rationalized, she didn't have to share a tent with Gai and Lee. Who _knew_how much those jumpsuits reeked after the week Team Gai had had? "Poor Neji," she whispered, poking idly at the fire she was about to start cooking dinner on. As soon as the Hyuuga she'd just mentioned returned with fish, anyway.  
Speak of the devil... "Here," the stoic Jonin said, handing her a collapsible fishing spear with six trout neatly skewered on it, "there is a small lake not far to the east, toward the larger mountain. The fish are plentiful. Are the others still training?"

Tenten nodded at her teammate, "Yeah, they are. Thanks for these- how do you want yours?"

Neji shrugged, "I find your cooking acceptable regardless. If you don't mind, I'll start setting up the tents. I'd rather get to sleep before those two come back and smell up the interior."

Tenten giggled at the parallel line of thought, "I'd offer for you to stay in mine tonight, but I only brought my small one, sorry. Not enough room for two."

He nodded, "I understand. Thank you for the sentiment. Nonetheless, I would have had to turn the offer down. It would be... improper."  
The kunoichi rolled her brown eyes, "Improper? Neji, we've shared tents like fifteen times just this last year. Unless something's changed? Are you finally starting to think of me as more than just a teammate?"

His face immediately turned bright red, much like his younger cousin did when Naruto was too close, and he looked away. She snickered. While she certainly found the Hyuuga attractive (very, if she were honest), she had long since gotten over her infatuation. He was extremely noble, friendly in a distant sort of way, and all-in-all a very good catch... but she'd simply had enough of that. It was like... "Neji, you know I'm never going to ask you out again, right? And I'd say no if you asked me?"

... well, _that_didn't come out exactly as she'd wanted it to. At least the necessary information got across...

The white eyes of his Clan widened slightly, before he looked away and down, still blushing. "I- I don't- I'm afraid I don't have any idea what you mean."

This time, she actually rolled her eyes, "Look, Neji- we both know I had a big crush on you a few years ago. And I think- feel free to correct me if I'm wrong- that you're starting to feel a bit about that way to me, now. But I'm sorry, I've moved on. I just don't think of you that way any more."  
Fighting to maintain some semblance of _not_blushing, Neji stammered, "Th-th-that w-way? You mean, you've, uh- moved on- wait, you've _moved on_? Who? Who is he?"

Before she could respond that he had misunderstood, a loud cry of "Our beautiful flower, Tenten, has found _true love_! Can it be, Gai-Sensei? Has the full Power of _Youth_made itself known to our favorite female teammate?!"

"I think it has, Lee! Tenten," their Jonin leader called out (far too boisterously) as the two green-clad ninja crashed into the camp, "You must tell us who your admirer is, so that we can ascertain his worthiness!"

A feminine, if very calloused, hand slapped Tenten's face before being drug slowly downward, "_Thanks_, Neji, just what I needed..." then, turning toward the spandex-clad pair (who she referred to, in her head, as "the ambiguously gay duo" more often than not), "Look, I don't have anyone in particular. I'm just- I don't- I'm over Neji. That's all I meant."

The resulting cries that they would make the other Jonin on the team suffer for whatever he'd done, or that (apparently) were meant to console her 'broken heart' were still going on twenty minutes later, when a highly-amused, if confused, pair of ninja wearing Konoha headbands walked into the camp.

"Hey, you guys! Long time no see!"

Tenten suddenly wanted to burst into tears (well, more than she had already). If she could have chosen anyone in Konoha, _anyone_, that would have heard that last few second's conversation, it would not have been the one who had. She would have chosen Sakura. Lady Tsunade. Shizune. Hell, she would have chosen _Ino_, widely considered the biggest gossip in town, over the one boy who could not keep his mouth shut. The one boy who, even though he'd been gone for more than two years, just had to show up, right then, right when she least wanted anyone to overhear.

The one boy who was walking into the clearing, looking taller, more rugged, more manly, than he ever had be- wait. No, no, Tenten was not going to think about that. Not going to think about Uzumaki Naruto, sometime Village pariah, sometime Village hero, that way. He was just a friend- a distant friend, and she'd like him to stay that way. Even if his open expression and sheer happiness made Neji look like... well.. Neji, in comparison.

"Oh... Hi, Naruto. It's been a while. What's up?"

Across the small fire, Neji's eyes closed in what Tenten thought was a combination of suppressed happiness, frustration, and annoyance. A moment later, when they opened, a small smile graced the Hyuuga's face. "Naruto... it's good to see you. Come, sit down."

Apparently, then, the conversation was over. Well, Tenten could live with that. Hell, she was _happy_about it. The sooner Neji realized he had no chance with her any more, the happier she'd be. Even if it still hurt her; she was sticking to her guns. She was a kunoichi, a warrior, not a love-sick teenager. She'd made the right decision.

That, if nothing else, she was absolutely sure of.

Well... that, and not wanting Naruto to know anything about the previous conversation, of course.

"So, Naruto," Tenten asked, forcing a vague smile on, "how've you been? I heard you and Jiraiya-sama have been travelling all over while you train."  
"We have," said the blonde as he dropped his pack a few feet away with a groan and settled himself next to Neji. As soon as he'd sat, he immediately leaned over and punched the stoic older teen in the shoulder. Fairly hard, if Neji falling off his stone seat was any indication.

"Why did you do that, Naruto," he asked, with a long-suffering sigh.

The blonde grinned, "'Cause I haven't seen you in forever! I wanted to see if you got any stronger, duh!"

Meanwhile, the green-clad duo had fallen completely into repeated "Lee!", "Gai-Sensei!" comments. Fortunately, over the last two years Tenten had learned to essentially ignore this part of the process. And that's what it was, she now knew- a process. They would begin with some random thing that sparked off the "Youth" spiel. Perhaps Gai-Sensei scolding Lee, or Lee doing something nice for someone, or something of that nature. It could be anything, really. It then proceeded to loud screams about the fires of youth. From there, to pronouncements that no sane man would attempt, challenges that even the hardiest would flinch at. After the bets against themselves- it was never just one, if the two were together, they spurred each other on that way- which frequently ascended to the truly ludicrous within minutes, the pair would descend from the heights of volume and 'manliness' to the very depths of hell. Or, as (some) others called it, the heights of every yaoi-fangirl's dreams.

Tenten, being relatively sane and not a member of 'that' faction (she liked the guys who liked the girls, thank you very much- being a girl herself), usually did her best to ignore the sparkling sea, the shining sunset- no matter the time of day or night- when they appeared. The cries of admiration, faith in the other's abilities, and the endless name-repeating were harder to play off, but she did her best.

Naruto, it seemed, had recognized the symptoms as well. He and Lee were, she thought, good friends. They trained together weekly before he'd left,and probably would again. They had been, and probably still were, rivals for the affections of one Haruno Sakura, but hey, nobody was perfect.

Still, the blonde was ignoring Lee and Gai with the best of them. That got him a few points in her book, so he could be forgiven for assaulting her other teammate. Maybe she'd give him a few more if he assaulted the loud ones...

"You could have just asked me, Naruto. Now I'll have a bruise for a few days. Thanks for that."

Naruto had the good grace to look a bit sheepish; he rubbed the back of his head- just like he used to, she noted- before muttering, "Yeah, sorry about that... I'm still used to thinking you're a tough guy. I always forget I beat you last time we fought, so I must be stronger."  
Tenten couldn't stop the smile that grew on her face.

Neji, it seemed, couldn't stop the scowl- so Tenten's smile got wider.

"Oh, yeah," she exclaimed, "that fight was _awesome_. Even _I_was rooting for you by the end, Naruto! And I had the biggest crush on Neji at the time!"  
_Nothing wrong with letting Naruto know I don't anymore, if he's interested... right? Who knows. Maybe it'd work out? If I can steal him from Hinata's clutches, anyway. Or that ramen girl, Ayaka or whatever her name is. Maybe that'll keep him from gossiping about my lack of a romantic life. Maybe._

"Heh, thanks- but you should've been rooting for your teammate, right, Neji?"

He didn't respond except to climb back onto his rock, but Lee and Gai chose that moment to break from their own 'issues'. In a flash of forest green, the two were on either side of Naruto (Lee crowding in between he and Neji, forcing the white-eyed ninja to move away in disgust at the other's proximity).  
"Naruto-kun! How amazing! Your kindness and support of Neji, even after not seeing him for two years, astounds me! You are truly the best of people, Naruto-kun!"

Gai joined in, "Indeed, Lee! Naruto is filled with the power of raging youth! Lee, you shall have to double your efforts! When we arrive home, you will help fifty old ladies cross the street in the first ten minutes!"

"Hai, Gai-Sensei! And if I cannot, I will walk five hundred dogs! I will clean out the Inuzuka kennels for free! I will-"

"Hey, Lee," Naruto said, interrupting the bowl-cut teen. He repeated the gesture of a fist to the shoulder, but the other's reflexes allowed him to not only dodge, but counter with a left hook to Naruto's jaw.

As the blonde sprawled out on the ground, a booming laugh from behind Tenten filled the clearing. "Ha! That's what you get, Gaki! You should know better than to attack one of Gai's students!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Naruto-kun!" Lee cried, attempting to help him up.

Laughing, Naruto reached out for the extended arm, but after he'd grasped Lee's wrist, both legs, one after the other, swept the leg-warmer protected ones out from under the older ninja.

In moments, the two were sparring excitedly, both laughing, while they kicked up dust, leaves, and twigs from the edge of the campsite all over the cooking fish."Damn it, Lee, Naruto! Go fight _away_from the food! I'm giving you two the dirtiest ones!" Tenten yelled with a glare sent in their direction.  
"Heh, he never changes," the white-haired, big man said as he slowly sat next to Gai, "Well, some of him did while we were gone, but he's still the same brat I left Konoha with. How're you holding up, Gai? Last I saw, you were still in the hospital watching over Lee's surgery. I can see it was a success, but were there any complications? How's his training and strength been impacted by it? I know there was a lot of damage, Tsunade-hime was pretty worried about even risking the surgery."

The tall man smiled, resuming a respectful position near the Sannin, "It went perfectly. Lady Tsunade performed the surgery without issue, even as complicated as it was. With Shizune-dono's help, it went better than we could have hoped. In fact, Tsunade-sama was able to reinforce the bones so that it will be slightly harder for him to suffer a similar injury again!"

Jiraiya nodded, "That's good to hear. So, what's been going on in Konoha these days? The last message I got from Tsunade-hime mentioned something about the Chunin exams coming up?"

Tenten, knowing it would be rude to interrupt the senior ninja, listened with half an ear while she watched Naruto and Lee spar. The two really were amazing.

Each in their own way were, she thought, better than even Neji, and he was the very best of them in straight-up combat, as far as she knew. At least, in terms of lethality. Without chakra use, Lee would probably flatten the Jyūken style Neji used.

But Naruto... where had he learned that? He wasn't even striking atLee with his hands, but instead was practically flying through the air, legs both spinning. Occasionally they moved together, often separately, and once or twice a minute in totally different orbital planes. In fact, if she counted...  
One, two, three... four. Four times, in the space of an entire minute, his feet touched the ground. But Lee, even with all his speed, seemed hard-pressed to hold off Naruto's strange attack. The power and reach of the blonde, who was now as tall as Neji she thought, and his legs easily outmatched the length of Lee's arms. And the unorthodox style...

"-in three months. Suna will be sending three teams this time, five from Kumo, two from Mizu, and I believe three from Iwa as well. Konoha, unfortunately, only has two teams registered this year. The crop from the smaller Hidden Villages seems to have made up for it, however."

Jiraiya nodded, staring at the fire, "I need to find two more Genin. You know any two that're ready to graduate, but don't have a full team that's ready?"

Tenten frowned. Perhaps she should pay more attention to the conversation, because it seemed rather strange that Jiraiya would need two Genin. What could they do that he, or he and Naruto, couldn't handle?

Naruto's right foot jumped off of Lee's outstretched left elbow, spinning him backwards on an axis roughly level with Lee's forehead. The blonde's other foot lashed upward, using the momentum of the spin to fling the heel through an opening in the bushy-eyebrowed youth's defense, straight at his chin. With a resounding crack, he flew across the clearing, landing against a tree several feet away.

Naruto chuckled, "Heh, sorry 'bout that, Lee. You'll probably get me next time, now that you've had a chance to see my new style."

Shaking his head to clear the sudden cobwebs (Tenten, after seeing his neck bend like it had from the side, wondered how he hadn't broken it), Lee staggered forward, smiling widely. "Truly, Naruto, your flames of youth are more powerful than ever! We shall have to train again soon!"

"Heh heh, any time, Bushy-brow!" Naruto replied, before moving over to the fire again. Seeing that his spot had been taken up by Gai, the blonde instead plopped himself down next to Tenten.

Instead of engaging her in conversation, though, he listened to Gai telling his own Sensei about the news in Konohagakure, for which she was grateful- she wanted to hear it, too. Much of what was being discussed was news to her, since she was not a Jonin.

"Anyway, I don't know how everyone else has done, but Naruto's ready, I think. I'd like him to take the exam again, but we need a team. He's not ready to compete alone, after all, even if Konoha's rules allowed it. I guess if we can't find one he can wait six months for the Kumo exams, but..."

"Who's made Chunin now, anyway?" Naruto asked the group at large.

It was Neji who answered, surprisingly, with just a touch of smug gloating in his voice, "Everyone. Everyone but you, that is. Hinata-sama, Inuzuka-san, Aburame-san, Team Ten, Sakura-san, and all of our team have been promoted. I myself just reached the rank of Jonin a month ago."

Naruto's eyes widened, "You're a Jonin? Already? That's awesome, Neji! Congratulations!"

A moment later, though, his eyes fell. Though he didn't say anything, Tenten immediately knew what the problem was. "Don't worry, Naruto," she said soothingly, "You'll make it this time. You've had the very best training in the Elemental Nations for two years, right? How could you fail? Just because you haven't been home to take the exams doesn't mean you're weaker than anyone else. You _did _just beat Lee in a spar, remember?"

"Oh. Ha ha- yeah, I forgot about that. I guess I _am _pretty amazing, even if I am just a Genin still... Of course, as long as you guys don't order me around too much, it'll be all right. I can go straight from Genin to Hokage if I have to, right?"

Silence fell over the campsite for a few seconds, before Jiraiya muttered, "Moving right along... So aside from the upcoming exams, what's the news from the Hokage's office? How's the political situation?"

For the next hour, Gai briefed Jiraiya and Naruto on the current goings-on of Konoha, the Hokage's office, and the Ninja Council.

It was quite late when the group of them, having assigned watches between them (meaning that, instead of a two-hour watch, each only had one and a half hours- yay!), Tenten crawled into her tent, grateful to avoid the three tents full of snores, and that she had the last watch- meaning she'd get more sleep than anyone else, even if she had to wake up first.

(O)(O)(O)

"Tenten! Tenten, it is time to wake up! Your watch began five minutes ago!"

Bleary-eyed, the brunette rose to her elbows, looking upward at Lee's bright face. "It's too early for you to be so happy," she groaned. "Fine... give me three minutes to wake up. I won't go back to sleep... you may as well crawl back to bed, though. Actually... you know what, use mine. It's warm... just don't get it dirty or fart in it."

"That is all right, Tenten! I appreciate the offer," he whispered, "but I am quite dirty. I will simply use my own. Enjoy your watch!"

She nodded, grumbling softly to herself, while she put on her sandals, strapped her weapon pouch(es, six of them, counting the four holdout pouches she wore) on, and finished with her headband before crawling out of the small tent.

She caught the end of Lee's sandal moving into the boy's larger tent as she left.

Ten minutes later, she had rolled up her bedroll, taken down the tent, and sealed the whole thing- in a mess, since she could sort it out much more easily during daylight hours at her apartment in two days- and blown the coals from last night's fire back into a small blaze.

She sighed, "Just seventy minutes left... Don't fall asleep, Tenten. It's not that long, just an hour and a half."

But it was no use, and she knew it. Last watch was usually her favorite, but they'd all stayed up late talking, so she'd only gotten about six hour's sleep total, after a long and grueling mission.

"Have to wake up... and I stink. Neji caught fish, should I just go take a bath?"

It took all of a few seconds for her to decide that she could keep watch just as well from a couple dozen feet away through the trees.

She was, after all, Tenten, and it was not hard to rig up a few string-and-bell traps that most Jonin would be unable to detect..

Another ten minutes later, she heard water lapping at stones, and moved more slowly. The clearing had had a little starlight and moonlight filtering in; but later, at the edge of the water, the moon had set, and the forest was more dense. Gingerly, she groped around for her easy-access glow-stick, and cracked it open. Moments later, a soft blue light filled the area, and Tenten grinned.

It wasn't just a stream; the water stretched farther than her light reached. At once, she started depositing her scrolls, weapon pouches, and eventually clothes on the largest patch of horse-tails she could find.

Slipping in, she found the water cold, but not freezing, given that it was mid-summer. "Ah, that feels so nice," she moaned, moving in further. The slope dropped rapidly, and she could feel fish- fish who likely had never learned to fear humans- slipping in between and around her legs as she went. One slithered right through the joint of her legs, but vanished with a splash on the surface when she giggled at the tickling sensation.

The sun was just starting to rise when Tenten decided it was probably a good time to get dressed and head back- but first, she'd wash her clothes a bit. They could dry on the road.

(O)(O)(O)

Naruto woke with a yawn. The hand stretched out across his too-large-for-just-one tent would, on any night previous to the second night of his training trip, gotten him in trouble with Jiraiya- or whoever he was sharing a tent with. Now, though, the Sage had wised up and made sure he slept on his own. He got hit less in the night that way. Both of them did, to be honest, because Jiraiya tossed and turned a lot as well, unless he'd been drinking heavily.

Speaking of drinking heavily... he had to pee. Badly.

With a yawn, he stretched and stepped out of the tent, clad only in his ramen-bowl boxers and frog-had, which was now frayed and worn so badly one eye and one tooth- the opposite- had come completely off. Without pause to think that Tenten had the last watch and that he was wandering around mostly-undressed, he headed toward where Neji had said last night that the fish had come from. Streams meant for safe(r) bathrooms for everyone, right? After all, the water just moved everything away...

No, Naruto at six in the morning was not one to care much for the health of anyone or anything down-stream of his... stream.

He could just see the hint of lightness on the horizon through the trees, beyond the mountain. Yes, he could hear the water splashing now- it must have been a vigorous little stream, though the splashing was irregular.

Not long now, he was almost there, he could almost... ah, hell with it. This tree was as good as any. He'd just have to make sure he didn't step on the wet patch with his bare feet after he'd taken a quick dip to wash the trail-grime off...

(O)(O)(O)

Tenten stood, arched her back, getting it to pop four times, and yawned again. Her clothes were, if not clean, at least clean_er_. In a minute or ten, she'd put them on and then head back to camp, hopefully with a few fish in tow. As soon as she unsealed her own fishing spear.

But first, she'd watch the sunrise over the mountain. In the gathering light, she could see this would be an idyllic little spot for fishing. She'd have to remember it if she ever went through Wave again.

Five minutes later, she was still watching the sunrise, having long-since forgotten she was totally nude, standing a little over knee-deep in a large pool, with only a single good-sized tree in arm's reach for cover, from which her clothes were currently hanging.

Why?

Simple, really- Tenten was a sucker for four things. Weapons, sunrises, fortune-telling (hey, everyone needs a hobby!), and ancient ruins. The fact that the sun was currently rising over the most _amazing_ancient ruins she'd ever seen was just the icing on the cake.

"Wow..." she breathed, the first word- the only word- that had entered her brain since the ruins were revealed in all their glory.

Perhaps twenty meters away, a small island in the middle of the lake- not pool- held two gigantic, wooden -orange in the sunrise- structures that must once have been the bracings of a colossal tower.

Another twenty or so meters beyond, a spire of similar make rose into the sky. It was not complete, that much was obvious, but the pilings, or whatever they were, rose more than sixty meters into the sky. It was square, at least on the ground, but leaned slightly to the left, as if it had been nearly pushed over in a titanic battle. To the left, another few pieces, each wider than she was tall, she was sure, lay half-out of the water where they'd landed after being knocked off the nearer structure. The more flimsy walls, roof, and likely framing braces had rotted away, leaving only the strongest parts of the superstructure intact with the passage of years.

She was still admiring it, in fact, when one tall, blonde young man came up behind her.

"Oh, hi Tenten. I just came for a bath. You don't mind if- you... you also came for a bath. I'll... I'll just be going now."  
It took a moment for the situation to sink in, distracted as she was.

Even so, she was a member of Team Gai. Naruto made it precisely six steps before her Grand Fireball caught him.

Unfortunately, it also caught her clothes... and her scrolls containing her tent, her backup clothes, and... oh crap. "N- Naaruuut_oooooo_!"  
"I'm sorry, I didn't meantopleasedon'tkillmeEro-Sennin_helpmepleaseohKamiI'mtooyoungtodie!_"

She caught up to the ninja- who had a singed back and was nearly as naked as she was, though otherwise none the worse for wear- just at the edge of the clearing. Her tackle drove him to the ground face-first, with her on top. Both fists curled into his hair, yanked upwards, and brutally slammed his face into the ground.

Before she could do so again, however, a clapping sound echoed throughout the clearing.

"Nice job, Naruto!" Jiraiya said, beaming at his student, "Not only is she a total babe, but she's rough in the sack, too! You did well, my apprentice, I'm so proud!"

This strange tableau is what Neji, Lee, and Gai all stuck their heads from the shared tent to see.

A moment later, Neji was cursing himself for not scooping up Tenten when he had the chance.

Gai was back in the tent, scrubbing at his eyes, whispering to himself that she was 'his cute student, not his stunning student'.

Lee, being Lee, had blushed furiously and slammed his eyes shut, before shouting to the heavens, "I am so sorry, Tenten! I have closed my eyes! If you would put some clothes on, I will be happy to accept any punishment you want for seeing you in all your youthful glo-"

The last part was cut off by Tenten, who had thrown one of the charred fish-heads from last night straight into his open mouth.

While Lee choked inside the tent, the brunette turned her attention back to the white-haired old man, who was still allowing his eyes to rove all...all over her... naked... body. _Oh Kami..._

"Jiraiya-sama," she said calmly, slowly standing up from Naruto's- oh no, she'd been sitting on Naruto's ass without so much as her own underwear on... at least he'd had his... "If I find that so much as a _hint _of this morning's events make it into a page of your... your _trash_- _E.V.E.R.-_I'm sure that Lady Tsunade would be most appreciative of your punishment at my hands. Do I make myself clear?"

Naruto watched as, displaying wisdom he would never have guessed the old pervert possessed, Jiraiya assured the furious young woman that he would never write so much as a word of it to anyone. Ever.

Of course, the way the beady little eyes tracked her swaying buttocks as she walked away toward the lake again gave lie to that... but Naruto, having just had a nose broken for nothing worse than stumbling across a naked kunoichi in the woods, was feeling rather unsympathetic. Maybe after he'd straightened it and it healed, he would feel a little worse.

Maybe.

"Heh," Jiraiya said in a low voice after she'd moved out of earshot, "that girl has a nice ass. If I was thirty years younger... I really am proud of ya, kiddo. She's a good catch."

Naruto scowled, "That bith! Fee brot by dose!"

Jiraiya didn't seem to notice. A moment later, his notebook was in Naruto's hands, pencil included. "Write down every word. I'll pay you triple. That scene was _gold_. Quadruple if you can get the details from before you got here. I heard the fireball before you started running this way, it must have been good."

Grumbling, Naruto acquiesced. After all, quadruple was, at his current going rate with the old pervert, about sixty thousand ryo per book he helped write. And since he'd now helped with two... what was one more? What Tenten didn't know wouldn't hurt her. He'd just change a few details, and no one would be the wiser. Right? Besides, she owed him one for his nose.

Idly, he reached up one hand and cracked it into place once it'd stopped bleeding. Of course, that started it up again, but he was careful to keep the crimson stream off the pages.

Because Jiraiya was right; as crazy as it was, that scene was undoubtedly hot. He could feel _everything_. He had _seen _everything. And Tenten? Yeah, she had an amazing ass. He'd been able to look for about a minute before his stupid mouth had, without permission from his conscious mind, opened it's stupid self up with that lame excuse of an announcement and gotten him in trouble.

After all- it wasn't _his _fault she'd been standing there in the nude. He had just taken the opportunity that had come. It was perfectly justified... right?  
Thirty seconds after he'd handed the notebook back, congratulated Jiraiya as to his workaround for 'not writing a word of it', and ducked back into his tent to get dressed (and hopefully wipe the streak of blood from his chest before doing so), Naruto heard a scream. "My _clothes_!"  
He snickered. "You did it, not me, Tenten. Sorry."

(O)(O)(O)

At breakfast, which was nearly an hour late, no one dared to speak a word to the lone kunoichi at the campfire. No one (save Naruto) dared even look in her direction.

__Because she had had no clothing survive the fireball.

__Naruto? She wouldn't ask for his if her life depended on it, not right then. Jiraiya? No. Just... no.

__Neji, curse him, had only brought two pairs, and one was soaked in blood from their earlier battles.

__And Lee, or Gai...

__But she'd had no choice. So she was wearing a (thankfully freshly laundered and clean) green jumpsuit. She'd foregone, at least, the orange ankle-warmers. But she was still wearing that green spandex travesty.

__And she hated it.

__Hated Naruto for making her wear it.

__Hated herself for the fireball.

__No, she was not having a good day.

__Neither was Neji, because he was _still _getting a rather good view of what he's lost his chance at.

__Gai and Lee, though, seemed to think this was what they'd been waiting for. There was no doubt in their minds that, now that she'd finally put one of the training suits on, Tenten would join them as the ambassadors of youth to the world.

__Jiraiya, being most familiar with the region, had (as senior Jonin present) tasked the group with a side-mission. They would explore the ruins, see what was what, before returning home. After all, neither team was in any particular hurry. They had a day or two to kill before they had to hurry home. And yes, despite the fact that he was three times (truthfully, more) her age, he was eyeing Tenten's figure quite a lot himself.

__Naruto, though, was alternating between heaven and hell.

__Hell because he was out of ramen- his supply had mysteriously disappeared while Tenten was throwing on the spandex- and Tenten had, rather unnecessarily he thought, 'dropped' his food in the dirt. Then stomped on it, ground it in with her heel, and spat on it for good measure. After that, she'd said, unconvincingly, "Oops. Sorry, Naruto!", bent down and handed over the now-ruined fish. Of course, that just meant he was hungry. Even he wouldn't eat that.

__He was _really _hungry, though, so hell it was.

__It was probably a good idea he'd turned and run before Tenten had faced him at the pool. Naruto was fairly certain that, had the brunette noticed the bulge in his trousers her shapely rear had caused, he'd have received far worse a punishment than a weak fireball and ruined breakfast.

__... But it _had _been worth it. Definitely.

__Of course, he was also watching Tenten stalk ahead of him in green, form-fitting spandex. And that was a treat, no matter how he looked at it, because, well... not to put too fine a point on it, or beat a dead horse, but she really _did _have a rather well-shaped posterior. Over-the-top kunoichi training will do that, he supposed.

__There were also occasional spikes of increased (though still simultaneous) heaven and hell. Because every once in a while, Tenten would turn and glare at him with a look of utter loathing. That wasn't fun, because she was a fierce lady, and scarier than anyone he knew aside from Sakura.

__But there was also the profile view those looks presented of Tenten in green, form-fitting spandex... and that was always nice, too.

__How had he never noticed? Tenten, despite not having Sakura's or Hinata's exotic features, or Ino's rather full figure, was easily up there with them in the looks department.

__But he certainly noticed now... and it wasn't just because he'd seen her in the buff, either.

__Though that had started the process of opening his eyes- very widely- of course.

__"Well, well..." Jiraiya said, having stopped at the edge of the lake to look out over the ruins, "I thought this place was gone for good. Naruto, Team Gai- welcome to Uzushiogakure. Or what's left of it, anyway."

__Naruto's heart skipped a beat, though he didn't know why.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** OK, so I don't have another chapter of One Hour written yet (but it is getting close to complete now, finally), so here's another filler for my next big Naruto project to keep you awesome readers satisfied. Thanks, as always, go out to the (many, many) who have favorited or alerted this story based on the first chapter alone- it might have broken OH's record, and that's saying something. lol

As always, thanks of course go to my beta, Mouse, and even more thanks to those who actually reviewed (It's not that hard, people... just a few words to let me know how I'm doing, what you like, or what you don't...).

A final note before we get started: I am not as dumb as Naruto. I know the correct order of a couple things he's talking about in this chapter, and I know what "hematophobia" is. He doesn't... or at least, can't say/spell it right. Suffice it to say I do, and any comments about how I screwed up X, Y, or Z (at least in regards to this chapter) will likely be ignored- it's all writing from Naruto's messed up PoV anyway. :)

**Chap. 2 Into the Whirlpool**  
"All right," Jiraiya said, looking out over the pool from the edge of the charred patch created just after sunrise that morning, "Looks like we've got some work to do. There's more than I thought left of the old place. I guess when that old bastard Danzo reported Uzushiogakure was 'completely destroyed', he meant 'mostly destroyed'. Hm... I don't want to take forever. No more than a couple days. Let's split up. Any objections?"

Tenten, despite her better judgment, immediately moved toward Gai, hoping to be paired with the one who had offended her least that morning. The white-haired man seemed either to have not noticed, or ignored it, though Naruto, on his other side, saw the smirk and grimaced. He knew, already, what the old pervert was planning.

"We need a pair of good eyes and someone familiar with fūinjutsu beyond the basic level in each team. Since we have three Jonin as well, that makes things even easier. Lee, Neji, you guys are one team, since I can assume, being a Hyūga, you have more than a passing familiarity with Seals, right?"

The brunette nodded calmly, though he was inwardly cheering. He would never, ever admit it verbally, but he was happy to _not_ be paired with Tenten just then. After what he'd seen- what he was _still_ seeing- he didn't know if he'd ever be able to look at the girl without blushing furiously or bursting into laughter again. It was all he could do to keep a straight face, and he wasn't even looking at her!

"Right, good. I know Naruto's got a good grounding in Seals now, but he's slower on the uptake than anyone I've ever met, so he'll-"

"Hey!"

Jiraiya, of course, ignored the outraged shout as if the blonde had said nothing, "have to go with the remaining member of Team Gai with the best eyes and analytical skills, so I can go with the other. Who would that be, Gai?"

Tenten's heart fell. Damn it... damn it all... If only Gai wasn't such a good sensei! He _knew_- Damn, damn, damn! How come she had to be so good at spotting details?! It just wasn't fair!

"That would be my favorite kunoichi, Jiraiya-sama! Tenten may not be a Hyūga, but she doesn't miss a beat! And she's very skilled with Seals, as well. In fact, she's probably better than me!"

Jiraiya, displaying either a level of prescience Tenten was in no mood to credit him with, or a knowledge of Gai-Sensei's 'quirks' deeper than she'd have suspected (but which she felt he completely deserved to have suffered enough to earn), slapped a hand over the other man's mouth, preventing him from expounding further on the kunoichi's skills, and continued on, "So that'll be Naruto and Tenten as the second team, and me and Gai as the third. We'll take the north, Neji and Lee take the southwest, and Naruto and Tenten the southeast third. Use the taller spire over there as the center. If anything happens, send up a flare and come straight back to the camp-site if at all possible. That's anything bad, _or_ good. But be on your guard. At it's prime, Uzu was a bastion of ninja strength, and there's probably all kinds of traps laying around the place. I'd rather sneak into one of Orochimaru's bases than sneak around Uzu. That's why you need a fūinjutsu user in each team; to disarm Seals if you spot them before you're trapped. The good news is that most traps will _only_ trap you, they won't be lethal... although since Uzu was destroyed by war... you never know."  
Jiraiya took a moment longer to think about other possibilities in silence, before turning back to the rest, "So, any questions? Problems with the teams? Tough! Get moving!"

In a flash and woosh of wind, the two older ninja and Tenten's other teammates vanished in a high-speed leap. Tenten would not turn and look at Naruto, though. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. If he was going to be such a jerk, after that morning, then...

"Hey, Tenten?"

She didn't reply, except to start water-walking east. They had some ground to cover before reaching the area they were supposed to search. _It'll be easier searching from the outside in. That way, if there's trouble, we'll see it easier too._

"Hey! I'm trying to apologize, here! It's not like I was _trying _to peep! And I'm not the one that fried your clothes! I just had to pee!"

For a heartbeat or two, Tenten paused, then started walking again without another word. Just because he was right (and damn him for being so, too) didn't mean she had to forgive him for seeing her nude. Or for the comments she'd heard from Jiraiya as she stalked away. Or the snickering and looks Naruto had been giving her all morning when he thought she wouldn't see.

_You know what? Forget Naruto. I don't need a jerk like him anyway. I'd almost rather date Neji, and I just got over him!_

(O)(O)(O)

As Gai and Jiraiya made their way past the ruins toward the north, the younger of the two Jonin looked backward for only a moment before setting his jaw. _They will be fine. My students are each geniuses in their own right. I must have faith in them. Jiraiya-sama knows what he's doing._

And Gai was right. Jiraiya had known exactly what he was doing when he sent Naruto and Tenten off together. He was stirring up trouble.

(O)(O)(O)

"Careful, Lee," Neji said softly. His green-clad team mate froze, hanging motionless on the side of the pillar by one foot and glanced down at Neji. He followed the prodigy's gaze up to where he'd been about to place his foot. Slowly, it withdrew. With the sandal and his toes out of the way, Lee was just able to make out the faint scratches in the wood they were currently climbing.

Once the two were side-by-side, they bent to examine the scratches more clearly. They were about half-way up the pillar on the south-west corner of the square ruin, having chosen to get the lay of the land from a high vantage point before searching at ground level. The rune- or whatever it was- on the surface was crude, apparently carved into the wood with a knife in haste, but the image was clear. Lightning striking a stick figure. Worse, Neji could detect the faintest trace of chakra within the rough lines of the carving. It was most definitely a Seal of some sort. "It may just be a distraction," he said quietly, looking upward, where they'd been headed, for a moment, "meant to keep us from going further. Why would it show the effects it causes? Most Seals don't do that."

Lee nodded, frowning, "I have found that the seals Tenten uses are almost arcane in how much they _hide_ their purpose. Even simple storage seals can be vastly different, depending on what they are designed to store."

Neji nodded, "Yes. But I have also seen one or two seals that illustrate the purpose... although one of those was deliberately misleading. Perhaps we should use a kunai to test this seal. From further away, at ground level."

Lee nodded, and the two immediately let go of the chakra holding the soles of their feet to the ancient wood, falling at once toward the ground.

(O)(O)(O)

"Quit worrying, Gai," Jiraiya said a few minutes later. They'd found a few outlying buildings which were surprisingly well-preserved near the edge of the valley. "They'll be fine. We have our own things to deal with. You can recognize standard security seals, right?"

The taller of the pair nodded, "Yes, Jiraiya-sama. Are the Uzu designs similar?"

The sage nodded as well, not looking at his companion. Instead, his eyes were trailing along with his hand, which was gliding along the open door frame of the first building they'd reached. The dwelling had been inhabited by animals for a long time, judging by the mess and smell, but might be worth checking anyway. "Similar... you could say that. Konoha's designs are based on the Uzu designs. I should know, me and Minato created half of them based on what Kushina brought with her."

Gai stepped to the side, and peered in a shattered window, careful not to touch the Seal-covered walls. "This appears to be fairly standard, unless I'm reading it incorrectly. I don't worry that Neji and Lee are all right. But what about Naruto and Tenten? I hate to say it, but she might _allow_ Naruto to be harmed. She's rather angry at him. Most un-youthful of her."

Jiraiya chuckled, "Let's just say that gaki has a way with women, and leave it at that, shall we? They'll be fine. Naruto's no master yet, but he has some talent with fūinjutsu himself, or I'd not have taught him anything past the bare basics. No matter _who_ his father was."

The last was said under his breath, and Gai had the good grace to pretend not to have heard.  
"Besides," the white-haired shinobi continued, "How much trouble can a couple of teenage ninja get into?"

The ground shook, and the remaining windows of the building cracked or shattered as the shockwave from a massive explosion ripped past them.

"Damn it," Jiraiya frowned, "Not even five minutes... just _five minutes_, ya dumb brat!"

(O)(O)(O)

"C'mon, Tenten! I _said _I was sorry! How long are you gonna be acting like this?"

She, of course, ignored Naruto's wheedling as they walked down the dark forest path, careful to step only where the frequent cobblestones lay. She was a proud kunoichi of Konohagakure, and would not give in to the childish whining of someone she might, once, have almost possibly considered a friend. That she had (to herself) acknowledged that she _might_ have over-reacted to him seeing her- only from behind, at first- in a state of undress did not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that she would forgive him for goading (intentionally or otherwise) her into burning her clothes and weapons scrolls. The cost... Tenten shuddered. Six scrolls, twenty seals each, each holding twenty weapons of various kinds- fifty, for the two each shuriken and kunai seals. That was five hundred and twenty individual weapons she'd destroyed in a heartbeat. Something along the lines of five hundred thousand ryo, gone.

That was almost six years' pay. Six years of saving and scrimping every penny she could to build up a stock of weapons for her techniques of that magnitude. Some of them, as well, were rare, even one-of-a-kind weapons. Now, they were gone. Forever.

Tenten would not be forgiving Naruto any time soon.

As she stalked between two trees, a weight hit her from behind, tackling her to the ground. She saw a flash of yellow, and a lot of orange and black. With a grunt, the air left Naruto's lungs a moment after they hit the ground tumbling. She had spun as they fell, and brought her knee up to his gut (she'd been aiming lower, thinking he had gone mad and thought he might have a snowball's chance in hell of successfully attacking her sexually).

After she'd leapt to her feet, she saw Naruto, quivering, on the ground, holding his stomach with both hands. His eyes, though, were not fixed on Tenten, or closed shut in pain. Instead, they were behind her. Carefully, Tenten turned, reaching idly for a weapon scroll.

Only when her hands closed on nothing did she remember her dire thoughts of only seconds before. Her scrolls were gone, and with them her best means of protecting herself.

But from what? There was no attack, no threat. Only a slightly-glowing set of sigils between the trees, and... the lines were getting lighter. That usually wasn't a good thing.

Tenten took one step away before realizing that Naruto had actually just stopped her from stepping directly on top of the line of runes sketched into the cobblestones of the forest path they'd been following. With a long-suffering sigh, she stepped back in a rush, scooped up the still form of Naruto, and jumped away.

She saw a flash of light, heard a slight sizzle, and then nothing. As a faint stench of ozone trickled past her nose, Tenten turned to see a smoking line trace between the two large trees, as if a wall of lightning had appeared briefly and then vanished. "Wow... thanks, Naru-"

And then the huge pillar they'd passed a few minutes before exploded, sending huge chunks of orange-stained wood raining down around them.

Naruto, standing slowly, wheezed, "Damn it, Ero-Sennin! Can't you even disarm a simple seal right?"

Tenten, though, had already started running for the pillar at top speed, screaming, at the sight of one large piece falling directly over two patches of white and green.

(O)(O)(O)

When Jiraiya arrived on the scene, he was quite surprised to see- well, _not_ see, his apprentice. "Guess I owe the brat an apology. It's usually him that causes destruction like this."

Gai, arriving a moment later, had a slightly different response. "Lee! Neji! Can you hear me? Are you all right?"

There was a muffled cry from near the larger slab, which appeared to be floating. At the edge of his vision, Gai noticed Tenten and, behind her, Naruto sprinting toward them across the pool. They would be here in moments. That was good... they would likely need the help of Naruto's clones, if he was right.

"Hold on!" Gai shouted, moving at a quick jog around the huge slab of wood, looking for the best place to grab hold. "Naruto-kun! Over here, about twenty clones! On the other corner, twenty more! I shall take the far side!"

The blonde, displaying what many who knew him would consider a surprisingly quick grasp of the situation, created the clones while still running for them. The two groups peeled off to their left at once, while he moved toward Jiraiya's side, where the sage was already bending down to grasp the huge slab of old wood.

As Naruto closed in, he was quite worried to see Neji crumpled on the ground at Lee's feet, the green-clad ninja, blazing with chakra, supporting the majority of the beam on his shoulders. "Crap," he muttered, sliding in beside his Sensei, "Lee's opened a Gate or two. He'll be down for hours at least. No exploring today."

Gai arrived at the opposite corner with Tenten and, with a mighty heave, the four ninja and forty clones began to strain upward.

Slowly, backs straining along with chakra coils, the twenty-meter slab of wood began to rise. Past the rushing in Tenten's ears the strain was causing, she could just make out Lee's growl of "Fourth Gate... Gate... of P-Pain... Open!"

The drastic increase in Lee's strength, something Tenten had witnessed on more than one occasion with the opening of the Fourth Gate did not allow them to throw the weight off completely, but it did take a great deal of strain off the others.

At her side, she heard their Sensei mutter to himself about foolish students who thought they had to put themselves at risk for every little thing, then say, "Fourth Gate, Gate of Pain- Open!"

With a mighty roar, the near end of the ruined pillar sprung upward to Gai's full, arms-raised extension, lifting it completely out of the reach of Naruto and Tenten, with Jiraiya only able to touch it by the tips of his fingers. Taking a moment to get a new grasp of the situation, Tenten saw that despite having the first four Gates open, Gai was struggling against the weight of half the slab himself. His knees were shaking, but... she would have time.

Without a moment's hesitation, the kunoichi threw herself down into the pool where Neji lay, half-submerged, but thankfully face-up. "Neji!" she cried, quickly checking for neck or spinal injuries before pulling him free with one arm under each shoulder, "Lee, we're clear! Get out of there!"

With a burst of chakra and spray of water, her energetic team mate appeared at her side, still flushed with the huge increase of blood flow and chakra from the third Gate he had opened earlier. "All clear, Gai-Sensei! You may put it down now!" he cried at the top of his lungs. Tenten, and further back Naruto, winced.

Neji, she noted, did not react at all, even to scowl. That was not a good sign. "Lee, calm down! Close the Gates! We aren't under attack and we're out from under that thing, so it isn't necessary to hurt yourself any more!"

It took a few seconds, while Jiraiya, Gai, and Naruto hurried over to them, for Lee so force his breathing, heartbeat, and chakra circulation down to normal levels again. Meanwhile, she was continuing to check Neji for injuries. She had found only one, but it was a little worrisome. As the two older ninja approached, she looked up at Gai, "He's got a head injury, but I couldn't see anything beyond minor abrasions. I'd say something hit him on the way down. Maybe the big chunk, maybe something smaller, but it's knocked him cold. Probably a concussion... but if it's anything worse, we need to get him to a medic right away."

Gai, though, only turned to the older shinobi. "Jiraiya-sama? It's your call, this is your mission."

The Toad Sage thought for a moment, glancing once to the northwest over the mountains toward Konoha, then to the ruins, and back to Neji, before answering. "We'll stay for a few hours. If he wakes up we'll just rest for the day. If he doesn't wake or starts getting worse, we'll head for Konoha as fast as we can... should only take a few hours at that rate."

Naruto, beside him, nodded gravely. "Yeah, that'll work."

Tenten, though, was not just confused, she was dumbfounded. "A few hours? We're two or so days away at Gai and Lee's top speed! How can you get there that fast?"

The white-haired man smirked, "Come on, let's get him back to camp. Naruto, get your clones moving on a stretcher already. I'm assuming you guys lost your medical gear with Tenten's scrolls?"

The kunoichi frowned at the lack of an answer, but Lee didn't seem to care, and Gai took Naruto and Jiraiya's apparent total belief in the impossible task they'd talked about. There were more important things to worry about, though. Like the fact that the crowd of orange-and-blonde that had gathered around them vanishing in several different directions, filling the once-quiet lake with cries of "Yosh!" and "Hurry, we gotta save Neji's ass!".

(O)(O)(O)

Half an hour later, the group of ten (surviving) clones had carefully, under Tenten's watchful eye, returned Neji to the campsite and laid him underneath a now-unfurled large tent, which had been propped up on it's poles rather than set up properly. She wanted easy access, and crawling into and out of a tent was just not that easy when you were trying to hurry.

"Okay," she growled after everyone had settled in for the few hours' wait, "first, how the hell are you getting to Konoha so fast with Neji? I know _I_ can't run that fast."

Jiraiya finally replied with an 'I know more than you do' smirk adorning his face, "Simple- we aren't walking. The ones going to Konoha will be hitching a ride with a couple toads. They can cover ground even faster than Gai if they hurry... a lot faster."

Naruto groaned, but she ignored him (even though Naruto had saved her life and helped save Neji's, one after the other, not two hours earlier, she still was far too angry to forgive him for the disastrous start to her morning). "But... they're toads. Like... hoppy, amphibious things. How can they be that fast?"

Jiraiya, though, only waved her question off. "A better question would be how one can be so big as to carry people. But that's easy, surely you've seen Gai-kun's summons? Well, Toads, like the Turtles, have more than one creature summonable. Those with large chakra reserves and a great deal of power, such as yours truly-"

"And me!" Naruto interrupted.

The Sannin ignored him, though, just as he ignored Tenten's idle swat in his direction, "-can summon massive creatures. The one I'm thinking of is a moderately large one, she's only about three and a half meters long now, but is quite strong enough and fast enough to carry Gai to Konoha in hours. At least, if she takes this famous bridge Naruto's always going on about."

There was silence aside from the rustle of bandages as she continued to wrap the Hyūga's head and neck, and the crackle of the re-lit fire, which Naruto had begun poking idly at with a stick.

"But wait... if you're taking a toad, won't it be jumping? At high speeds, that could kill him. Even at low ones, and even if it's a minor concussion..."

The sage scowled at her, "Duh! I may not be Tsunade, but I _do_ have good first aid training, you know. How could I not, with her cramming details into me at all hours of the night when she needed a study partner? Neji won't be going by toad."

Again, silence fell over the clearing.

"So... so you're bringing a medic back here, then?"

But Jiraiya shook his head, further confusing her. "You obviously know of Summons. But did you know a Summoning contract goes both ways? At least, the Toad's does. They can summon us, just as we can summon them, if the need is great enough. Gai's going to be taking a seal with him, which will be linked to a seal I'll put on Neji. When he gets to the hospital, he can put the seal on the ground and summon him right there. Poof, and done. Instant medical treatment... more or less. But anyway, this is all academic. We don't have to worry about it if he wakes up... though it might be a good idea anyway, concussions can be tricky."

(O)(O)(O)

Neji had indeed woken a couple of tense hours later, but Gai had already decided that he would go with Jiraiya's instructions and start on his way. Tenten had been quite impressed with the size of the large green toad, which, if anything, was even longer than the three or four meters the Sage had mentioned, but less so with the obvious lipstick and bow it wore on it's back, despite _clearly_ being male. In addition, Naruto had inexplicably hidden at the pool from the moment Jiraiya had mentioned that he'd be starting the summons until Gai had been loaded, or more accurately, placed on the (apparently male, no matter how it dressed and acted) toad's back, holding himself on with chakra and disappeared with an accompanying rush of wind to the north-west.

Hours later, Tenten would belatedly realize that Gai had already opened four of the Celestial Gates, and likely would be in no shape to hold on to a speeding super-toad via chakra.

Of course, when the wind-swept and slimy spandex-clad Jonin was deposited on the floor of the Konoha Central Hospital's lobby by the two meter pink tongue of the green toad, he refused to answer any questions as to why he had been riding in said toad's mouth. It would simply be too un-hip, he muttered, if anyone heard how he'd been forced to travel once he'd ran out of chakra and fallen from the toad's back halfway there. Mentioning what the toad had repeatedly tried to do to him- perhaps mistaking him for a green-skinned mate- had been even worse, and would never be mentioned to _anyone_.

The few nurses who heard it vowed, however, to never let that rumor die.

(O)(O)(O)

Only as the sun set, though, did the full horror of the situation she'd been forced into set upon her. After having extracted every detail of what had happened from Lee, she, Naruto, and Jiraiya had sat back to wait for the signal- the toad popping back in to relay the message that Gai had arrived- before placing the seal (Tenten had tried to get a look at the design, but had been blocked by the Sage's expert derailment of her curiosity by asking how the spandex fit on her, because it certainly appeared to fit her like a glove... in all the right ways).

After Neji had disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Naruto had as well (apparently the him who'd come back from the pool was a Shadow Clone... but given the toad's reaction to his presence, she could almost understand why he'd avoided her), it dawned on the kunoichi that she was alone in the woods, days away from home and at least a few hours from any kind of town... and without the buffer of Neji or Gai-Sensei to protect her from Lee, or those two perverts.

And she had no clothes (aside from Lee's borrowed outfit), no weapons (with which to murder the latter two in their sleep), and...

"All right," the Sage said over dinner, "we'll start back up in the morning, just after dawn. Lee, you're with me. We'll take the north. Tenten and Naruto will get the south. Don't blow anything up on purpose again. Just avoid Seals and traps unless you _really_ know what they do."

While she couldn't fault the advice, the fact that once again he'd paired her with Enemy Number One on her shit-list _again_...

Oh, and the fact that they still weren't going home after their long, bloody mission, and instead had been sent on an apparent suicide run, didn't help.

And did she mention the tent situation?

Jiraiya had flat-out refused to share with Naruto. Naruto had insisted he'd paid his price in losing out on breakfast and saving her life, so would be taking his tent back, thank you very much. Lee... well... he was quiet, true, but Gai had taken his tent, so he would be bunking with Jiraiya. And even though he was a 'responsible adult', she had no desire to put herself within twenty meters of the pervert's roving hands while he was 'asleep'.

"I'll stay up," she said, "I'm not tired. Don't worry about watches, I've got it."

She overrode any objections, claiming that she was too keyed up from the events of the day.  
Reluctantly, the three men climbed into their tents and left the kunoichi in peace.

Sort of.

Jiraiya, she thought, had started snoring almost immediately.

But in the smaller tent, she heard the rustles of someone tossing and turning well into the night, and frankly, it was annoying.

But then, she mused, she would have found it annoying to find out Naruto was still _breathing_, so she was kind of glad he was having a bad night. That made two of them... and he deserved it more. Stupid peeping perverts...

(O)(O)(O)

It was a little past midnight that Tenten had a brainwave about the tent situation. No way was she sharing with Naruto. No way was she sharing with Jiraiya. Lee could, when properly sedated, be all right in a small tent. But the bowl-cut shinobi was in the larger of the two remaining tents with the Sannin, which left Jiraiya's normal tent- the one he had said was his own, anyway- free for Naruto to sleep in.

Since she'd agreed already to stay up all night, she hadn't even questioned it. Now, though, she was getting sleepy... and Naruto was owed some payback. But how to do it? How to prank the prank master? Because even if the behavior had mostly stopped in recent years, Tenten well remembered who had eluded ANBU for hours after painting the largest monument in the village in garish kabuki style.

_I can't just knock him out, he'd feel any attack. I have to be indirect... Neji always carries some ninja wire and trap-making supplies. That should help. I'm glad Gai-Sensei thought to leave the gear here. Neji's stuff may not be a portable armory, but at least he has kunai, shurikens, tags and wire. And maybe... he did have the bout of nightmares after the last mission..._

At the very bottom of the supply pouch normally worn by her stoic team mate, Tenten found a small wax-paper parcel with instructions clearly written in Sakura's handwriting in black. "Two tablespoons per night, no more than three days in a row with a week between... pretty potent stuff, it sounds like. This should do nicely... It will definitely knock him out for an hour or so if I just do a few leaves..."

With an almost sadistic grin, the kunoichi stole over to the small tent and listened for a few moments. Aside from the distant pool and night-forest sounds, she could just make out deep breathing and occasional mumbles of "Miso... Trout... Miso... Pork... Miso...".

Deciding he was well and truly out of it if he was dreaming about his favorite food, she slid open the unzipped flap and poked her head in quietly.

The blonde was sprawled out his back on top of the bedroll, with a line of drool running down his cheek. With his headband off, the golden hair was more wild than ever, but there wasn't enough light in the tent to admire it. "Heh heh... here you go, Naruto," she whispered, holding the few leaves she'd chosen from the packet over his open mouth, "Here's some of your favorite Ichiraku Ramen, Miso flavor. Eat up!"

As she dropped them in, he obligingly closed his mouth, chewed, and swallowed with a sudden smile on his face. "Thanks, Ayame-chan," he muttered, "tasty al... wa..."

The tempo of his breathing dropped still further in moments. Perfect!

Without hesitating, Tenten immediately set to work on her grand scheme.

(O)(O)(O)

When the kunoichi woke the next morning, it was to the sound of stifled laughter, terrified groans, and the snuffling of a large creature. It took a moment to figure out what the mirth was for, but once she did, Tenten let a huge smirk grace her features. She'd really done it... payback. And not just payback, but against the worst prankster in the entire Village Hidden in the Leaves. She was awesome!

Not as awesome as the site that greeted her tousled head when she stuck it out of the tent, though.

A half-naked (she hadn't wanted to remove his boxers... ew!) Naruto had been tied quite tightly to a tree, with hands separated far enough behind him he couldn't form hand seals, and then had his stomach covered in the small amount of honey Neji kept for his sweet tooth on the road.

On the other side of the clearing, Jiraiya was sitting calmly in the entrance to the larger tent, holding Lee back from rescuing the other shinobi, chuckling all the while.

Between them, though closer to the blonde, were two creatures. The smaller was a russet color, had four legs, and a short tail. The other was darker, shaggier, but similar in build. _Bears. I didn't know bears lived on Nami no Kuni. Cool. I just expected badgers or bugs or something. Bears are way better, though!_

"Looks like you have some admirers, Naruto!" she called. The two animals, the larger licking his stomach, and the smaller his knees, didn't so much as glance in her direction. Nor did he. Instead, he only muttered, "Nice bears! Good bears! Keep on licking the honey, don't go for the soft meat underneath! Nice bears!"

It was too much. She collapsed into a fit of girlish laughter that, had she been in Konoha with more witnesses, would have embarrassed her completely. As it was, though... _Oh, Tenten, you are just so damned good!_

(O)(O)(O)

"All right, so I'll go with Lee-kun this time," Jiraiya said as they looked over the (more than yesterday) ruins. "And I guess we'll take the north again, there were a few dwellings partially intact that we had just started to explore when we were interrupted yesterday. So Tenten and Naruto, you'll be on the south. Just give things a once-over unless you find something interesting, we don't have much time to waste. We should start heading back to Konoha by about noon tomorrow."

Grumbling, Tenten agreed. She and the blonde hadn't taken more than a few steps away from the others when Naruto said in a low voice, "I've got to hand it to you... that was pretty masterful. I might even have to be nervous about bears for a while... they'd been licking me for about three hours before you woke up. How did you get me tied up without waking up?"

Trying (and failing) to hide the smirk growing on her face, Tenten looked away and sped up slightly, "A girl never tells, Naruto. I thought Sakura taught you stuff like that?"

He snorted, "Sakura taught me how to avoid and take a punch. Not girly stuff. You know the _only_ person I ever struggled- really struggled- with in Taijutsu fights was her? I could hold my own against the 'class genius' Sasuke, I could out-last even Kakashi-Sensei. But Sakura? Every single time, one or two hits and I was out. Even before she started training with Baa-chan for two years... It's scary what Sakura will be like with that kind of strength behind her."

Tenten smiled, "Yeah... Sakura's gotten pretty strong. Neji got a broken leg on a mission about six months ago, and she had him patched up and walking in ten minutes. Limping, yeah, but on his feet and moving. And I had the fortune to watch her and Tsunade-hime train in evasion... it was... impressive. Even I'd have a hard time hitting Sakura now!"

Naruto ignored the boasting, but gave a low whistle anyway. "Evasion training with Baa-chan? That's scary stuff! The night we met, she finger-flicked me in the forehead and sent me two blocks. If she was really trying to hurt you... or even just _hit_ you... but a week later, she was punching Hebi-teme over and over, and he just shrugged it off. Is Orochimaru really that strong?"

He had trailed off, almost as if talking solely to himself, but Tenten answered anyway.

"Orochimaru? He _is_ one of the Densetsu no Sannin, even if he's a snake-scaled traitor. It makes sense he'd be as strong as Tsunade-hime."

Naruto shook his head, and replied more firmly, "No, it's not that... he was shrugging them off like she wasn't even hurting him at all. This is Baa-chan. She can shatter giant trees, a _castle_, in a single hit. And he took like, two dozen or something and never even seemed to feel it. Nobody- _nobody_- is _that_ strong. Especially not Pale and Snakey."

Curious, Tenten seemed to forget her annoyance- her righteous anger- at Naruto for a while. "So... the rumors say that when you were off with Jiraiya-sama bringing Tsunade-hime back, you guys ran into Orochimaru. Is that where you saw them fighting? Did he attack Tsunade-hime or something, and you guys had to rescue her?"

Naruto snorted, "No... it didn't exactly happen like that. The lush was being bribed by the snake-bastard. He'd promised to bring her little brother and boyfriend back from the dead or something, if she healed his arms from what old man Jiijii did to him at the Chunin Exams."

Tenten gave a low whistle, "Wow... I didn't know she even had a brother. And he died?"

Naruto nodded, "Yeah. From what I heard from Jiraiya later, he was about my age at the time- twelve or thirteen- when he died. This jewel necklace," he picked it up and showed the kunoichi, "was something she gave him after he'd sworn to be Hokage and build a peaceful world. Right after his birthday. He went on a mission... and died. It was during the Second War, I think. The day after he got the necklace, he died. I'm not sure if it was before or after, but apparently Baa-chan also gave the thing to her boyfriend- he was a ninja named Dan, but I don't know anything else about him- and he died the next day too. She was there, and tried to save him... that was what caused her hemafortia."

"Her what?"

Naruto shrugged, "I donno. It's some weird thing, and I wasn't paying attention when Shizune-nee-chan said it. She used to get really scared, like full-on paralyzed, by the sight of blood. Ero-Sennin thinks that was what caused it."

"Oh... so why do you call her Baa-chan? Isn't that, you know, disrespectful? She_ is_ the first female Hokage, you know, and the grand-daughter of the First Hokage. I thought you worshipped those guys?"

Again, the blonde snorted, "I did, and I do. Old man Jiijii was the first guy who ever really showed me affection outside of old man Teuchi. Even if I didn't know anything else about the Hokage, that'd have been enough. I mean, Jiijii was the kind of guy who'd see a lonely, scared orphan kid with nothing and pick him up, give him a hug, and take him to eat ramen. Then, the next day, he'd put his life on the line and _die_ to save a whole Village. That's just the kind of guy he was. All the Hokage are like that. Even if Baa-chan's a horrible drunk with an even worse temper."

Tenten's open palm met the back of Naruto's head before she could stop herself. He stumbled slightly and glared sideways at her, "What was that for?"

Glowering, the kunoichi replied, "Lady Tsunade is _not_ a drunk! She's the most powerful kunoichi in the world! She deserves respect!"

Naruto stopped in his tracks and turned to look at her. "Have you ever actually _talked_ to the old hag? I know her. Pretty damned well, I think. She drinks about two gallons of sake a day. She's a terrible gambler, never wins at all. And when she does, she assumes the worst thing in the world is coming, panics, and runs off for the hills. Don't get me wrong... I love the old bag. She's the closest thing to a mom or a grandma I've ever known, but she's not perfect. Besides... _someone_ needs to call her on her shit. And apparently no one else has the balls to do it, so I stepped up."

For a moment, she debated calling him on his own bullshit, but... it was true, wasn't it? She'd certainly met the Hokage on more than one occasion. She'd been there when Lee had had his surgery, and several times before when the not-yet-sworn-in Hokage had been researching the issues with the surgery as well. Tenten had, after all, been spending almost all day every day in the hospital with one friend or another, usually Lee.

And the mission room, of course. It seemed it was part of the Village leader's duty to spend at least a day per week handing out mission scrolls personally. But... did she really _know_ the woman? Naruto certainly spoke as if he did. Of course, he was very informal with everyone... but who else would dare call the Hokage 'grandma' or 'old woman'? Worse, hadn't he called her 'the old hag' just a minute ago? Maybe she wasn't perfect after all.

But no... she was _still_ the first female Hokage, and still probably the most dangerous kunoichi to ever live. She was still Tenten's hero, no doubt about that... even if she did drink a little bit and had some issues with recreational gaming. She herself enjoyed a little pachinko now and then. That, she knew, was something else she and the Hokage had in common. "But still, she's the _Hokage_."

Naruto started walking again, shrugging as he did so, "She's also a human being, Tenten. I know better than most what it's like to be thought of as a 'thing'. Believe me, I know exactly why she hasn't killed me for calling her 'Baa-chan' yet. Me and Ero-Sennin are probably the only people who treat her like a person any more. Even Shizune-nee-chan, who spent years travelling alone with her, treats her with kid gloves. That's... well, it's got to get old after a while."

That thought made Tenten freeze, much like Naruto had done a few seconds earlier. What would that be like?

Not ostracized as such, but with everyone who saw you giving you deference, respect you might not have earned, bowing to your slightest wish as if it was gospel, even if it was crazy? Sure, on the surface, it sounded great. But ten years down the road? No one even daring to speak up with their own opinions, lest it contradict whatever you said? That... Naruto was right. That _would_ get old, and in a hurry. "Yeah... I guess I can see that. Still, I don't think I can just drop the title and call her Tsunade- or Senju-san any time soon."

Naruto just shrugged again, "'S not a big deal. She's sane enough, I guess, and if it was you, she'd probably punch you from one end of Konoha to the other if you called her grandma."

Tenten chuckled. It was strange... not an hour before, she'd been ready to kill the asshole walking next to her. Had, in fact, laughed as two bears mauled his stomach with their tongues (and been proud of herself for setting it up). But now, not only had she almost forgiven him for the whole fiasco of earlier, he was shedding new light on her hero, changing her whole world view with just a few simple words. And... and she liked it.

Who knew the annoying- the _most_ annoying- person she knew could have been such a great conversationalist?

"Hey, Tenten?"

"What's up, Naruto?"

"I'm really proud of you for this morning. It was well done."

"Oh... uh, thanks." She hadn't been expecting that. To be praised by Konoha's greatest prankster after getting one over on him? Maybe she really _was_ the best!

"But you know it's not over, right?"

Again, Tenten stopped in her tracks.

That feeling... it couldn't have been someone walking over her grave. She wasn't even dead yet. Nah... just a cold flash... her blood was still warm and pumping, that wasn't ice in her veins. "Br- bring it on!"

Naruto, a few steps ahead now, nodded solemnly. "I will. I hope you're ready... there's a reason people say I'm the worst and best. Anyway, looks like some writing on the tree there. I wouldn't get closer than, say, ten feet until we look at it... there's a warning sigil, I think."

Cautioned by Naruto's earlier words more than the recent, Tenten stopped about fifteen feet away. Just in case.

Naruto, though, strode calmly forward until just past the eleven-foot mark, smirking as he passed her. "Looks old, but I bet it's still functional. What do you think this was? An exterior house wall? Or a garden wall? It's made of stone, but the mortar, if there is any, is really thin."

Tenten was struck with a feeling of minor incongruity. What did this former street-urchin (though she'd known he had an apartment for a long time, he was all-but homeless, since he had no parents and almost no income after he'd left the orphanage where he was first raised) know about wall construction? But Naruto, like herself, was a ninja, and that meant D-ranks. Likely, he knew quite as much about the actual construction of stone walls as she did, it was a very common asignment. Along with baby-sitting, painting, cleaning, taking out the trash, grocery shopping, gardening, mowing lawns... if it could be fawned off on someone else, odds are someone would pay for it. As a result, most ninja, by the time they graduated from Genin to Chunin, had at least a working knowledge of dozens, often hundreds, of professions.

It came in quite useful, sometimes. Often, really, like right now.

"It looks exterior. A garden wall wouldn't have the char from wood bracing on the other side, right? But look at that piece further to the left."

Naruto's head swivelled, but Tenten still did not move closer. Sure, it might be safe to stand eleven feet from the wall, but... would it be safe to stand next to him? Doubtless, he had some clever scheme already in mind. Probably a hand-buzzer or whoopi cushion or something... rotten eggs to throw at her came to mind. Naruto... that'd be right up his alley. No, she decided, she would stay right where she was, thanks. Far enough to dodge anything he sent her way.

"You might want to come here."

Tenten was broken from her mounting paranoia with a start, but she remained where she was. "I'll stay right here, thanks. I don't want to get anywhere close to your striking range."

Naruto looked back at her, then pointed up. "Okay, but he seems to take offense at you just standing there. That's why I moved."

For just a brief moment, Tenten contemplated sticking her tongue out at him and calling his bluff. But the flutter next to her right ear made the brunette jump, then flee toward the blonde as fast as she could.

Standing on his other side, she finally felt safe enough to turn around and look. It wasn't much... just a spider a few inches across. Probably, they'd stepped through it's warning threads as they arrived in the area, and it had thought they were prey. Still... "Naruto, you jerk! You could have told me before it got close enough to bite me!"

The blonde snorted, "And miss the fun? Besides... you might prefer the spider."

"What? Why?" she asked.

He pointed behind her again, then reached out a hand to grab her arm, yanking her towards himself.  
Quicker than she could process, he'd covered her body with his own, arms curled around her, a half-heartbeat before the blast went off.

But it was strangely muted. In fact, the blast hadn't even been a roar, more of a whimper or hiss. A hiss that was continuing.

Worried, she looked up, dreading the sight of a burning explosive tag. But no... what Tenten saw was far stranger.

Three Narutos- obviously shadow-clones- were holding a ball of incandescent white-blue light between them. Each was covered in sweat, and they were holding their hands together as if to compress the ball together from all sides. The Naruto holding her puffed out.

"Tenten," the closest of the remaining trio grunted, "get back... about ten meters. If you have a signal flare, call Ero-Sennin... this is hard to hold. Hurry."

For a moment, she simply stared. She'd seen Sasuke's Chidori in action, and this looked in some ways similar. But it was not a blaze of lightning chakra, it was a sphere full of energy so bright it was painful to look at. And it was not crackling, but _spinning_ at a velocity she couldn't hope to track.

"Tenten! Move!"

She jumped again, this time backward. She flew past the large spider without noticing until she was long past it, and kept going. Only when she stopped, ten meters away, did Tenten realize that Naruto was still quite in the danger zone. In fact... she could already see the sphere becoming unstable. The clones continued to concentrate, one moved a hand slightly to compensate, but they were obviously running out of time.

She flipped Neji's supply pouch open and began digging. As she'd sorted it into her own configuration, Tenten had seen one signal flare. It would be hard to notice in broad daylight, but the crack might alert the Sannin to their location, or at least that a flare had been launched. She aimed upward toward a gap in the forest canopy and pulled the string of the little launcher.

The bolt flew from it faster than any shuriken she could throw, and then exploded into a bright blue firework in the shape of a yin-yang, the basis for the Hyuuga Clan signet. "Done! I sent up Neji's flare! What can I do? You can't just stay there!"

But Naruto shook his head and called back, "Just stay out of range! I saw a few more seals light up when this one was charging, so don't get any closer! I can take it if it goes off, but... I'm hoping the old fart gets here fast enough to help me diffuse it!"

Tenten ignored his instructions once he'd finished talking. Instead, she dashed forward again, this time idly slapping the tarantula out of her way, to stop at the side of the nearest one again. "I can help. I'm good with seals, remember?"

Grunting, Naruto- or at least that clone- allowed his eyes to roll. "Fine, whatever... can you draw a tetragram radiance seal in ten seconds or less?"

Tenten blinked. "Uh... what's a radiance seal?"

"Exactly," he grunted. "Fine, whatever... just... channel chakra upward. Put your hands right below it, gather all the chakra you have in your hands, and aim it upward on my mark. Like tree-walking, but as hard as you possibly can. Okay?"

She nodded, and assumed the position he'd designated.

"All right... I'm starting to lose control... on... three... two... one..."

Tenten's chakra burst upward...

And nothing happened.

The ball of light continued to spin in Naruto and his clones' hands.

But it was not shaking as it had been.

The sphere was perfectly round again, and glowing almost like a light bulb, soft and steady. Still spinning, but...

"Naruto..."

All three of them grinned. "Yeah, Tenten?"

"This was a prank, wasn't it?"

One of them shrugged, "Not just _one_... I think there were three. Right, boss?"

One Naruto shook his head- Tenten had been mistaken, it was the one on her immediate right, not the one she'd originally been closer to, that had answered.

When her foot hit that one's shin as hard as she dared with Neji's soft sandals, the other two clones and the ball of light vanished. The remaining Naruto hopped around on one foot for several seconds, complaining about how he hadn't _hurt_ Tenten with his pranks, and how unfair it was that he'd been kicked.

Tenten, though, only huffed in annoyance. "So, radiance seals aren't real, huh? I thought it sounded fishy. I bet these-"

But, suddenly motionless and no longer hopping, Naruto had grabbed her hand a moment before she touched one of the newly-glowing seals.

"Don't touch it. That _is _a radiance seal. Think like a flash-bang tag, but a hundred times stronger. They can blow out eardrums at a hundred paces, blind people permanently. You don't want it going off with us right here."

For a long moment, Tenten debated trusting him on this. It could be another prank... but better safe and look foolish than sorry and be blind or deaf forever. Right?

A few minutes later, Jiraiya and Lee came crashing through the undergrowth toward them. As soon as they saw Naruto, the blonde raised his hands, "Hey, old man- come check these seals out."

Tenten missed the wink he sent in the other's direction. Lee caught it, but had no idea what it meant, and so said nothing.

"High-level radiance seal, right? I just got done telling Tenten they were about a hundred times stronger than a flash-bang, but this might be even worse. I didn't want to disarm them until you had a chance to jot it down. Might be useful to have."

Jiraiya grunted. "Hm. Looks like you might be right, kid. A seal like this would go for about six hundred ryo a piece. Lots more than a standard flash-bang. And they aren't all that complicated... but probably beyond any journeyman-level artist. You and me should be able to copy them down all right."

Naruto grinned. He knew Tenten was not exactly the _most_ mercenary of the 'rookie twelve', but she had, by far, the largest budget, so she cared about money even more than he did... and he grew up practically broke. Those weapons were expensive, and she had an armory to replace... and had just been told she wouldn't have that source of extra income. Nice... "So, you want to expand 'em, or should I? Probably ought to let Lee and Tenten explore a bit once we break the guard-line... I doubt there'd be any more wards past here, it looks like it used to be residential."

Glancing around at the remains of old, overgrown roads (almost-clear lines between trees that curved and twisted irregularly), wall fragments no higher than his waist... "Yeah, sounds good. I'll do it, save a bit of time."

(O)(O)(O)

An hour later, Tenten was no longer fuming about the loss of potential income that came from not being allowed to try and produce those 'radiance seals'. She and Lee had, through a bit of trial and error but mostly analytical thinking, indentified what must once have been a hidden bunker for one of the wealthier families. They hadn't been able to open it, the seals were far more than the standard she kept on her own home (which she could break on another home in about five minutes, regardless of what that old coot Jiraiya and the jerk Naruto thought of her skills in fuuinjutsu), but Tenten _had_ been able to tell that the seals had been opened just once, more than a decade go, and not been opened since. Perhaps there was a family in there, somehow... or at least, supplies. People didn't build bunkers and not stock them. Right? That was crazy.

No one would spend untold amounts of money on a super-secret, high-power bunker and allow it to be improperly prepared for actual habitation. That was just... yeah, no one would do that.

So she and Lee had gone back to Naruto and Jiraiya, and waited patiently for the two to finish their work analyzing the much-expanded seal matrix. Within a few minutes of that, Jiraiya had moved on to removing the line from the general area, allowing them safer passage, and Naruto had been sent to the bunker to see if he could get in as a 'final test' of his 'adept' status.

"Hm. That's a big-ass door."

Lee agreed with Naruto, "I have seen a similar door in Konoha's treasury vault on a C-rank mission guarding it. Gai-Sensei and I were unable to force it open! These are most secure doors!"

Naruto replied, "Why were you and Gai-Sensei trying to break into a door you were guarding?"

Tenten rolled her eyes and slapped a hand over Lee's mouth. "Don't ask. All you need to know is, they thought they heard something inside and wanted to check. They didn't stop to think about the security forces they were calling down from the seals on the door... they just kept teaming up and trying harder. Gai and Lee were both on five gates when the other security talked them down... and we got no pay for that _week_'s work, because of the trouble."

Lee looked ashamed, but Naruto laughed. "Sounds like a good time... but let's see what I can do, hm?"

Tenten watched him work, and was actually quite surprised. She had expected the blonde to be boisterous, energetic, and plow through the problems. She had not expected Naruto to stand calmly in front of the door for five minutes, with one finger at the center of the seal to keep it expanded, while he looked it over.

"Right Castiglio barrier... truncated oblong warding... Nellis setup... back to the left in a reverse Castiglio... inverted trigram..."

This continued for the entire five minutes, and probably a little beyond, before Naruto poked three sections that looked almost indistinguishable from each other to Tenten with a softly-glowing finger. A moment later, he did the same in reverse order, then jabbed at the center of the door with the other hand, all five fingers now glowing, and twisted his arm clockwise.

With a snap and hiss, the door slowly slid open a few inches before Naruto released it from his chakra-grip and turned to the members of Team Gai, smiling confidently?. "See? No problem!"

Tenten ignored his posturing in favor of glaring at him. "How come _you_ got to train with a Sannin? I've got more fuuinjutsu talent in one arm than you have in your whole body, but I can't get that kind of training! You and Sakura got all the luck! Hell, even Sasuke got Orochi-"

Tenten stopped, but feared it was already too late.

Naruto's expression had fallen. A moment later, though, he looked up, grinning. Tenten passed it off as a momentary glitch, and tried to ignore the pain she saw in his eyes, regardless of the smile.

"Well, when you have an awesome Genin Sensei like Kakashi, it's hard not to be noticed by the best!"

"Ooh, Naruto!" Lee cried, "You and your Sensei are both so cool and hip! I wish Gai-Sensei were as cool as-"

But he was silenced by Tenten's fist hitting the back of his skull. "Shut it, you two... let's go see what's inside!"

As the shinobi pulled the door open, Tenten took the lead, slipping in before they could. It might have been risky, yes... who knew if there was another seal array just inside? But she couldn't let them be the first to actually enter a surviving part of the ruins... it just wasn't right. It was her right as the true ruins-lover amongst them.

The tunnel stretched ahead into darkness. She could make out two branches, but that was as far as the light reached. "Bring a light," she called, and both saw the shadows dance and heard the hiss of Lee's magnesium flare being lit before the two boys followed her in.

The walls were gray stone, probably granite, and smooth, though striated. Likely, the hillside the bunker had been carved into was once bedrock. The were six shallow stairs going downward, with no apparent seam she could see. After those, the hall went another twenty-five feet before branching left and right in a T, with two alcoves mid-way down on either side as well.

"Let's split up," Tenten said, "Lee can come with me. Naruto, since you're so good, you can go alone."

The blonde shrugged, "Whatever. Can't be worse than half the crap Ero-Sennin made me do alone for the last two years. I'll go right, I guess."

The first two rooms on either side seemed to be ante-chambers, though each were large. They had shower heads and tile against the far wall on both sides, with a row of benches and empty lockers in the middle of each. Six lockers on each side, twelve per room, allowed for a lot of gear storage, but each was empty except for a pair of thick, sturdy boots far too large for Tenten's feet in one of the lockers on the left. They might have fit Jiraiya's feet, but not the kunoichi's.

After Naruto split from Team Gai's present members, they found nothing but several bedrooms. Each was searched, though they lined both sides of the now-curving hall, but they found nothing useful. The beds had mattresses, there was furniture, but no bedclothes, no food, no weapons, and no sign of what had happened to the survivors, if there were any, when Uzu had been attacked. They had passed the ninety-degree point and had started heading back toward the central axis of the large bunker when Naruto's voice rang through the corridor from both ahead and behind. "Tenten! C'mere, I got something for you! Lee, I'm gonna need your help too!"

With a quick mark on the wall from his half-burned flare to mark their position, the pair hurried ahead. They passed what Tenten thought were probably a communal room and a kitchen, then a pantry and storage room- all four marked with signs that made her suspect her guesses were right- before finding another room with light shining from the doorway.

When they reached it, Tenten was unsurprised to see the blonde holding a flare of his own over his head. She was more surprised to see a trunk full of clothing... female clothing. And a single emaciated corpse on the bed in a fetal position.

The girl couldn't have been more than twenty when she died, but... she didn't know how she'd missed it. Curled in the woman's arms was a tiny skeleton, no more than a foot long... had she just given birth when they were forced into the bunker, and no one had been able to come with them?

Worse, Tenten's keen eyes could not help but see the crack in the tiny skeleton's neck, or the kunai which lay atop the much-faded but still-dark stain that surrounded the woman's skeleton.

"She... she killed her baby, then herself? But... but why?"

Naruto, his voice solemn, looked over at her. "Because she knew Uzu was gone. Her journal... her name was Uzumaki Beniko. She was... probably a relative of mine. So was the... the kid, I guess. But she didn't want the little thing to grow up with just her, so... so she killed it to save it that pain, then killed herself. She left a note... she said only a true master would ever find the place, but she hopes it was a surviving Uzumaki, and... and I had to stop reading."

Tenten tried to swallow past the lump in her throat, but it was not easy. "She... do you want us to leave you alone? I mean..."

Naruto shook his head, "No. No... they're gone, and happier wherever they are. They're just bodies. I wanted Lee to help me carry this trunk out, it's heavy. There's something underneath the clothes, but... there's... well, I didn't want to dig too far."

With another look, Tenten immediately understood why. Ladies' undergarments. Naruto might be a horrible pervert (and she _still_ had not gotten full revenge for him peeping!), but he seemed quite uncomfortable with digging through panties and bras. With an eye roll, Tenten turned toward the open journal and pen on the small table beside the bed. "You want me to carry those out, at least? Should we take... them? Or leave them here?"

For a minute, Naruto seemed torn, and glanced back and forth between the skeletal figures and the door, before shaking his head. "No... no, they're at peace. Let's just leave them... I don't want to disturb any g-gh-ghosts."

Smiling to herself at the reminder of Naruto's only real fear, she nodded. "All right... but if I get cursed for touching the journal when I'm not an Uzumaki, I'm sending the ghosts after _you_, Naruto!"

Before she could reach it, or even laugh, the blonde had started as if he'd been touched from behind by an invisible figure, then snatched up the book and stuffed it in his pocket before turning to the trunk. "N- N- Nevermind! I got it... don't need to haunt me, ghost-lady! I'm an Uzumaki, name's Naruto! I don't know my mom's name, but I know I got the family name from her, so... y-yeah! Don't haunt or curse me!" Then, in a softer voice, obviously hoping no nearby spectre could hear, hissed to Lee, "Come on, slow-poke! Let's get these clothes out of here so Tenten can look through 'em!"

Tenten, being relegated to picking up the pieces that fell from the trunk as the two 'brave, strong shinobi' fled from the only occupied- if only by the dead- room of the bunker, laughed as they sped ahead, even if they were taking the only lights with them. After all, she was walking in the same direction, and could see the faint outline of the halls now that her eyes had adjusted. As long as she wasn't ambushed by ghosts herself...

Tenten suddenly hurried ahead.

(O)(O)(O)

Around the campfire that night, Jiraiya had been quite impressed with their haul. The clothing, he had explained, had been quite fashionable in Uzu at the time. In fact, he went on, the basis for Tenten's usual outfits came from the same sense of style. That explained to Tenten why she found the clothing so appealing... not to mention why it seemed like it would fit her so well. It was just like what she normally wore, not like the green travesty she had been forced to wear for...

But wait...

"Uh... Naruto?"

"Yeah, Tenten?" he asked, nervously. She had, again, tried to ruin his dinner, but a shadow clone had caught the berries and venison before it had hit the ground. In retaliation, she had tried to salt it overly-much, but he had again escaped. This time, he wondered if it was even possible.

"Are you ready for me to forgive you for peeping on me?"

"I wasn't peeping! I swear! I just... I just wanted a bath! But you beat me to it- if you'd been bathing, I'd have probably heard, and-"

"Whatever, whatever... look, I have a... proposition."

Jiraiya's eyes lit up, but he attempted to feign nonchalance.

Tenten, for once, ignored him. Maybe treating the older pervert nicely would help in her deal with the younger... and if not, she could always hit him later. "I... I really like those clothes. Do you think it'd be okay if I can... you know, borrow some? Just until we get back to Konoha? If you do, I'll forgive you for peeking."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "Those belonged to my family, Tenten. Even if I didn't know them."

She nodded hurriedly, "I know, I know! That's... look, how about this. You saw me naked... and I saw you in your boxers. So I _guess_ you could say we're almost square, so..."

While she trailed off, Naruto and Jiraiya happened to be sharing thoughts- if they were going by _that_ comparison, then they both felt Naruto had gotten the _much_ better end of the deal.

"Well... how about if I also don't blame you for making me ruin my scrolls? For just, say, two outfits and underwear? You have _no idea_ how itchy this thing is... well... without another layer."

The blue eyes narrowed further, but the whole while, the wheels had been turning in the prankster's head. "Go on..."

Tenten blushed. "I'm not talking about that any more! That's it, two outfits for me forgiving you for both the peeping _and_ getting my arsenal ruined! My final offer, take it or leave it!"

Naruto shrugged after a few seconds, "Okay... but I can do you one better. How about you let me size those for you. I'm not bad with adjusting clothes, and while they might fit all right, they won't fit _well_ I don't think."

Lee blinked. "Naruto-kun, how do you know how to sew?"

The blonde only shrugged, "D-ranks, same as I know every other non-jutsu skill I have except gardening. Team Seven had two weeks straight at this tailor's downtown. He said I was a natural, but I hated it... I think he just liked that the pinpricks I got healed in seconds so I didn't get blood all over, 'cause I poked myself a _lot_."

Tenten enjoyed the image for a few seconds with a faint smile, which then narrowed suspiciously. "And how do I know you won't... do anything to them?"

Naruto only shrugged. "You don't, I guess, but I'll give you my word. If you aren't satisfied with them when you try them on, I'll pay for half your arsenal's replacement with each one you aren't _honestly_ satisifed with. And if you like both... meh, don't worry about it."

After a few more moment's thought, Tenten agreed. "All right... when can you start?"

"As soon as I get your measurements."

At once, she blushed. Naruto's deadpan delivery didn't hide the gleam in his _or_ Jiraiya's eyes.

"N- No! What are you-"

The blonde shrugged again, "I may have 'seen', but I didn't exactly get a good look. I can't tell sizes like that anyway, I have to actually measure... unless you know them offhand."

Five minutes' argument later found Tenten standing in the larger tent in her new/borrowed underwear (thankfully rather plain, she didn't want Naruto to get more ideas than he doubtless already would, even though they weren't exactly flattering), with the shinobi kneeling at her hip.

"Aand... that's it. OK... I should have them altered by tomorrow morning if I take the night's watch. I'm not tired, so it'll be all right... and I promise I won't come into your tent or do anything to you at all over night. I'll be busy working on these."

She watched carefully as he spoke, but could see no lie in his eyes. Either he was _very _good, or he was being honest... but he was still up to something. Whatever it was, though, she might just have to wait and see. Maybe he was just happy about being able to serrupticiously oggle her in her new underwear... damned pervert.

By the time she had chosen a more functional and a better-looking outfit from the wardrobe (the more functional very closely resembling a stylized form of her old Genin outfit but one that fit her older form better) and retired, Lee had gone to bed as well. An hour later, Jiraiya whispered, "Hey, Brat... what are they?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"... Try me."

"She's five-ten, maybe one-thirty, mostly muscle. Not muscular, but well-toned. And I'm _not_ giving you 'those' measurements. She'd kill me. Suffice it to say... she binds them regularly. But not too tight, if you know what I mean."

The Sage of Mount Myobyoku chuckled for several minutes before wishing his student, already busily at work on the outfits, a good night.

(O)(O)(O)

"I have to hand it to you, Naruto," Tenten gushed while looking at herself in the pool's flat surface just after dawn the next morning, "you really _are_ good with a needle. It fits like a glove, and isn't anywhere close to as hideous as sp-sp-spa-spandex."

Tenten could not completely repress the shudder she felt as she remembered being forced to wear one of those... those _things_ for more than twenty-four hours. "This looks really good on me!"

Naruto smiled with a light blush. "Thanks, Tenten. So... we're even?"

She grinned back, "For now. But if you keep pranking... we're so going to go forever."

He shrugged, "I can live with that. It's more fun when people fight back anyway... But don't bother being on guard. You won't expect it when it happens anyway."

Resisting the urge to panic (fortunately), Tenten instead continued to admire herself and her clothing until Jiraiya assembled them to begin scouting again. They would search the bunker more thoroughly in the morning, then check the few houses he and Lee had been checking in the afternoon, before heading for Konoha again early the next morning.

Of course, as Tenten checked herself out, bending and flexing to admire the new fit, she failed to notice that the outfit, which was obviously designed for a ninja in it's flexibility, shrunk ever so slightly.

Lee never noticed.

Jiraiya and Naruto, though, shared a quick look. While the new outfit's change from the earlier version was subtle, it had specifically been altered with a cunning use of fuuinjutsu to shrink slightly when body heat activated it. So when Tenten put on the suit, it fit perfectly and she was quite happy, thus adhering to Naruto's end of the deal.

Now, though... it was just snug enough to reveal a little more curve, a little more definition in the legs, hips, waist, and chest...

And Tenten hadn't noticed.

Naruto, after sharing the knowing glance with his Sensei, grinned while simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief. If or when she _did_ notice, he was probably dead... but he was still the reigning prank-master. He had a reputation to uphold, after all... there was no way he could just let their little war go.

That just wasn't his ninja way.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Consider this a down payment... the next chapter of OH 'IS' partially written, and the only mention of Sasuke/Hinata in it is talking about the wedding and timing, not actually them. I don't believe they're even mentioned by name. Still, while I do have the next chapter partially written, I don't want to be late for my scheduled early-AM (to me) post time, so you here go.  
As an apology (still) for the long time between posts this last month or two, I'll ALSO be posting the next chapter of OH when it gets through my beta- even if it's not Sunday.

As always, thanks of course go to my beta, Mouse, and even more thanks to those who actually reviewed (It's not that hard, people... just a few words to let me know how I'm doing, what you like, or what you don't...).

Finally, there's a formatting error towards the end of the chapter- like the last page or so in OpenOffice- that I can't find and/or fix. Everything before that SHOULD be spaced properly, and everything after that is more wall-of-text. There's lines, because I put in hard returns, but it may not appear the same. If that's the case, sorry- I'd fix it if I could. Any input would be appreciated. :)

**Edit:** The formatting problem wasn't fixed (though someone was nice enough to point it out even with that note about it above already in here... ;) , but I've now gone through and hard-edited it. But seriously, if anyone has any idea why it keeps dropping formatting like that- for part of the document, no less- I'd love to hear about it or any fix.

**Chap. 3 Konoha**

"Alright, we'll head back to Konoha after lunch, since the rest of our search has turned up relatively little. If you want to make a good impression on the people back home, Naruto, now's the time to get cleaned up. It's been pretty dusty work."

The younger shinobi nodded, "All right, Ero-Sennin. Tenten... no peeking while I wash up!"

Tenten scowled at him across the cookfire, "Like I would! Who would want to see you naked?"

Before Naruto could answer, Lee spoke up with a hand raised, "Ah! Tenten-san, didn't you just strip Naruto down to his underwear yesterday morning and tie him to a tree?"

"W- N- No way! I only did that to-" but as the kunoichi continued to splutter that she had only done it as part of a prank, Naruto smiled as he walked away. It was all going according to plan... he'd only have to suffer whatever minor prank Tenten pulled next, then he wouldn't have to feel bad about retaliating (and stepping it up a notch) again. Two more pranks, if his plan went as it should, and he would have another opportunity to take the picture he'd wanted to when she was standing by the pool at dawn two days earlier.

After all... pervert or not, it had been a very beautiful scene. And he wasn't _just_ talking about the surroundings.

He didn't notice the wires attached to his clothing, since Tenten's cleverly-designed trap allowed the high-tensile wire to play out quickly.  
He continued to be oblivious as he stripped and stepped into the pool with his soap and washcloth.

And the trend continued as Tenten stepped to her tent and hit the return button on Neji's auto-spool. With a quiet whirr and the hiss of microcable against canvas as the lines were pulled inward, Naruto's clothing was yanked from the untidy pile he'd created, through the light forest, and into her tent.

Five minutes later, she was done... and phase two of her next masterwork (which she could see frightening combat aplications for, if she could get an enemy unclothed... like that would happen easily) was complete. Now, all she had to do was set them in a pile near the fire, neatly folded...

Jiraiya winked at her as she stepped out of the tent. Lee, who had been busy dismantling the larger one, had apparently noticed nothing.

As Tenten sat down to eat her breakfast, a dismayed cry was heard from the pool.

"Hey! My clothes! Tenteeenn!"

The older shinobi stifled a chuckle. Lee looked toward the shout, but Tenten studiously ignored it, focusing on the nutrient bar she'd chosen rather than eat pool-caught fish again.

As a result, Lee's eyes bugged out slightly, and he spun around, shouting, "Naruto-kun! It's most youthful of you to display the muscles you've gained through hard work, but must you display _all_ of them?!"

Unable to resist completely, Tenten was still able to control her peek to appear as nothing more than a casual, idle glance.

What she saw struck her more this time than it had in the dim light of yesterday. Naruto was quite... fit. Nothing like Lee, but certainly more muscled than Neji. Fortunately, she was not at _all_ attracted to the younger ninja, and was able to look back toward her breakfast without being forced to wipe drool from her lips. She did have to work a little harder to swallow her bite, though... at least he'd found a large leaf to cover... well... _himself_ with.

"Hey, Naruto. Since you did such a good job on my clothes, I thought I'd wash up yours. Neji keeps a small amount of soap- don't worry, I went far around the pool to where that stream to the south comes in. I didn't peek... you never noticed the wires." She held up Neji's auto-spool, which resembled nothing more complicated or larger than the spool of a fishing pole, though with a small motor attached. "Sorry I had to trick you... I didn't think you'd let me do something nice for you after the last couple of days."

Visibly fuming despite her apparent sincerity, Naruto stomped over to the neatly-folded pile of clothing and snatched it up, now holding it over his groin rather than the leaf, which drifted into the fire and ignited. "Gee, _thanks_, Tenten! Very mature of you... ask for a truce, then steal a guy's clothes. And people said _I_ was an incorri- an in-"

"Incorrigible?" Jiraiya supplied, looking up from some kind of sandwich.

Naruto nodded, pointed with one hand at his sensei, and continued, "Yeah, that! An Incorrigible prankster. _I_ know when to quit!"

Tenten only smiled as innocently as she could. "But Naruto- I swear, I didn't peek or anything, and _surely_ you've seen Lee and Jiraiya-sama before in one onsen or another? Besides... if I was going to prank you, I wouldn't go for something so easy as swiping your jumpsuit!"

It seemed he had no argument for that, because the blonde only grumbled as he shuffled back into the trees backwards.

Tenten tried to hide her smirk behind the nutrient bar, but it was a little small.

"What'd you do to his clothes? Itching powder?"

Tenten shook her head at the Sannin's question. "No... nothing so juvenile. Let's just say... I hope he can hold it if he needs to go to the bathroom on the way home."

Jiraiya was still chortling by the time Naruto returned.

Fifteen minutes later, camp broken down, they were ready to move out. "All right... Konoha, here we come!" Naruto cried.

Jiraiya waved a hand, "Calm down, Gaki! It's still several hours away, sheesh. Do you have to yell in my ear?"

But Naruto's enthusiasm could not be contained. "Yes! It's _home_, old man! I haven't seen Sakura-chan, or Hinata-chan, or Shikamaru or Choji or Kiba or... that... you know, that one guy. The quiet one. I haven't seen any of them in ages! Don't you miss Baa-chan, too?"

Jiraiya shrugged, "I _always_ miss Tsunade-hime's- well... her. But I'm used to it, I guess. Come on, let's go... we'll only take one break, and go all-out. I'm curious to see if Gai's famous endurance training is as good as mine, so let's really push it. Besides... it's a two-day journey for _normal_ shinobi. I think we four can make it in, what... eighteen hours?"

Tenten sighed, and muttered under her breath, "Not another one..."

(O)(O)(O)

"But I gotta _pee_!"

Normally, Tenten would have ignored Naruto's whining. She'd been on enough missions with him to know how childish he could be when he wanted something. This time, however, she chose not to deliberately. After all, each word he spoke about wanting to take a break now- still six hours out from Konoha, with all of them, even Jiraiya, breathing hard- was like music to the kunoichi's ears. Because once Jiraiya gave in... then the true humiliation of Naruto as Konoha's reigning prank-master would begin.

"Fine, whatever, brat!" the Sanin said, clearly frustrated. Tenten, though could see the anticipatory gleam in his own eyes. Whatever their relationship, friends, pupil and teacher, or any other, it was clear that Jiraiya was looking forward to a bit of fun at Naruto's expense. But then again, wasn't just about everyone?"

"Yosh! Naruto-kun! If I can not drain the hose for longer than you, I shall run at twice this speed, all the way to Konoha!"

"Uh, Lee," Naruto said, suddenly blushing, "I'd rather not compare something like that... how about we just race home? After I'm done, of course."

"Ah! Excellent thinking, Naruto-kun! I will take this side, then!"

Five seconds later found the spandex-clad Chunin deep in the forest, but close enough that Tenten could hear a relieved sigh.

On the other side of the trail they'd been following, Tenten listened carefully.  
Silence, only the muted hiss of urine on a tree and braver forest animals filled the air.

"What the _hell_?! Tenten! What did you do to my _clothes_?!"

Her laughter- more a giggle, but she'd have to hurt anyone who said anything about it- suddenly sounded through the area. In a singsong voice, she called, "Oh, just a little lesson in fuuinjutsu, Naruto! I'll release it if you acknowledge me as Konoha's best prankster in front of all our friends!"

"Never!" was the immediate cry. A few seconds later, though, a softer, much more humble voice said, "Please, Tenten? I _really_ gotta pee! Pleeeease? You can put it back on after!"

"Tell you what... I'll let it go once I'm back at my apartment. How's that? No, I'll be even nicer... two minutes after we walk through the gates of Konoha. A tough guy like you should be able to hold it in that long, right?"

Behind her, Jiraiya snorted. "Brat can't hold it for ten seconds the way he drinks water."

Tenten's grin widened.

"But I've been holding it for two hours! Come on!"

She shook her head, forgetting for a moment he wouldn't be able to see her, "Sorry! I forgot the seal! I have the notes in my apartment... I guess we'll have to wait! Unless you can admit I'm just better than you!"

"It's not happening! I'd sooner piss myself!"

She shrugged, "Suit yourself! See you in Konoha!"

She started walking, a moment later breaking into a run again, laughing all the while. It was good to be her... and she'd made sure to take a bathroom break before they'd set out. She'd be fine until she got home. Unlike that peeping pervert Naruto.

The last thing she heard before racing out of range of the three shinobi was Naruto's now-wheedling voice begging her to reconsider.

(O)(O)(O)

"Come _on_, Tenten! Pleeeeeaaase? It's been hours!"

Even Lee, who knew Naruto was a manly sort of man's-man (but one that liked the ladies), looked on in sympathy to the blonde's suffering. The lone kunoichi of the temporary cell, however, ignored him, much as she had done for the last several hours. In fact, she, having carefully maneuvered so that she was in the lead a while back, and been steadily decreasing her speed a tiny bit at a time. She estimated they'd tacked on at least another half hour to the walk home by doing so.

"Come on! The gates are right there! We're home! Release the seal, _pleeeeaaasse? _Pretty please with a dango stick on top? I'll... I'll buy you a weapon scroll! Two! Just let me _peeeeee_!"

A dozen or so yards distant, two Chunin snickered. They shared a glance of amusement, before the shorter, wild-haired and bandaged one muttered, "Looks like things are gonna get lively again with that kid back. Sounds like they already are."

His companion nodded, but didn't say anything.

A few minutes later, Jiraiya, the leader of the group, stopped just outside the gates. "All right, hold up. Now... I want you guys to report to the Hokage's office in one hour. On the dot. None of that Kakashi-taught lateness, Naruto, I don't care how much you have to pee. You'll be there, or you won't take the Chunin exam this time around, are we clear?"

The blonde, suddenly distracted from his growing agony, nodded fervently. "Of course, Ero-Sennin! I'll be there! Can I pee now?"

Jiraiya idly bonked him on the head for the name, then turned to Lee and Tenten. "I know I don't have to scold you guys about being on time with Gai's teachings, so I'll see you after you've had a chance to shower and maybe catch a quick bite. Knowing Tsuande-hime, this debrief could take a while. And... well, I have some, uh... catching up to do myself." He blushed a little, but Naruto, who was the only one who might have truly understood, was too distracted to notice.  
After a minute or so of the Sage staring off toward the distant Onsen he favored, Jiraiya shook himself then turned to Tenten, "All right, let the seal go. He's suffered enough for now. Any longer might cause medical problems. Not to mention stink."

Tenten smirked, held her hands up in a simple ram hand-sign, and said calmly and clearly, "Kai!"

Naruto didn't even groan at how obvious the counter-seal had been. Instead, he just took off at a dead run, hands clutched at his groin, in the direction of the shabby apartment complex where he lived.

"All right, dismissed. Go on, and remember- one hour, Hokage office. Don't be late."  
The two Chunin grinned, both eagerly looking forward to a shower in actual hot water and non-trail food before their debrief. In a flash, both were gone, leaving only Jiraiya to casually walk through the gate. He nodded toward Kotetsu and Izumo, calling with a wave, "Don't worry about the paperwork. I'm off to see Tsunade-hime right now, no matter what I told the brats. I gotta tell 'em the goo- the ba- well, the news."

Jiraiya grinned in an almost-lecherous-but-not-quite fashion before taking to the rooftops himself. A moment later he was gone.

Sharing another look, the Chunin who had not spoken earlier grinned, then said, "Yep. Trouble's back in town. Good times."

(O)(O)(O)

"-Make it clear to them, Hokage-sama, that we can't allow the ninja to push their-"

Much to the blonde kunoichi's relief _and_ frustration, the door opened with a bang, interrupting the drone of the merchant who'd been expounding- for two hours- on the Merchant Association of Konoha's need to slow the growth of ex-shinobi-run business, 'in the interests of healthy competition between businesses'. For two... freaking... hours. She needed a break, but damn it, Tsunade _hated_ it when people barged in!  
"What the hell do you wa- Jiraiya?"

The tall man had stopped half-through the doorway and struck a confident pose. "Yes! The gallant Jiraiya has returned! Women tremble in anticipation, their husbands tremble in fear! All who see me shall-"

"Shut up, you old goat. Sorry, Habuke-san," Tsuande said, "We'll have to postpone this _fascinating_ meeting. Sorry... this is rather important."  
The merchant spluttered. "It's Habako, Hokage-sama, and what we've been discussing is important as-"

A moment later, the merchant was surprised to find himself outside the office, feet off the ground by a couple of inches, and Jiraiya whispering in his ear, "You _really_ can't read people very well, can you? She doesn't want to hear it. Take your troubles elsewhere, little man."

A slight smell of urine filled the office, making the day secretary- Shizune- scowl. "Jiraiya-sama, I'm glad you're back, but please don't threaten the civilians."

The man was dropped suddenly. "Oh, he's a civilian? I thought he was a failed Genin. Sorry, Bukuha-san. Have a nice day!"

"It's Habako, Lord Jiraiya, but I really must insi-"

The door was shut in his face. A moment later, the merchant turned toward Shizune, thoroughly annoyed. The kunoichi, though, only smiled sweetly and said, "What can you do, right?"

Inside the office, Jiraiya's first words in actual conversation were, "Hey, princess. So we're back, he's stronger, no attacks by Akatsuki. Worldwide destablization, but nothing major yet. Oh, and I brought a tagalong home with me."

Tsunade, surprised, raised an eyebrow. "What? You found another stray?"

Jiraiya nodded, "You might say that."

After waiting patiently for ten seconds or so, Tsunade's brown eyes narrowed. "Well? Who is it?"  
"Not who," was the reply, "but _what_. I bring... war."

She started, clearly shocked. Ten minutes later, Nara Shikaku, Morino Ibiki, and several other ranking ANBU officers were arrayed around the office.

The atmosphere was tense, very much so.  
"All right, Jiraiya," Tsuande said slowly, "explain. How- _why_- did you bring war to Konoha?"

The Sage only grinned, "Well, I guess _I_ didn't... they followed me. The instigators. It was Naruto and Tenten."

Gai, one of the Jonin present, raised an eyebrow. "My little flower helped instigate a war? I don't... I don't understand."

Jiraiya only grinned wider. "Yes... and, I'm proud to say, I'm doing my part to help _both_ fronts... and start my own."

The tension mounted. Most of the Jonin were wondering if, somehow, the great Jiraiya, one of the Densetsu no Sannin, had finally cracked. Or worse, actually turned traitor.

"You see... Tenten and Naruto are involved in a bit of a dispute that they're solving with pranks... and now I am too. Gotcha!"

(O)(O)(O)

"Naruto! How've you been?!"

The blonde groaned internally. While he liked Konohamaru and his friends, and missed them all, he was a little... pressed for time. "Sorry, Konohamaru! Can't talk right now- gotta peeeeee!"

Moegi, standing next to the grandson of the Third Hokage, put her hands on her hips and scowled as their hero ran by. "That Naruto- he hasn't seen us for almost three years, and now he won't even talk to us? What a jerk!"

The snivelling young boy between them sniffed, "I think something's wrong. Naruto wouldn't just ditch us like that, would he?"

The taller of the trio frowned, "No, Boss wouldn't do something like that. Something's definitely wrong. Let's go help him!"

Ignoring the fact that three fresh Genin, without even their sensei, would likely not be able to help Naruto at all in any significant way, the three took off after the streak of blonde hair maneuvering with surprising grace through the growing afternoon shopping crowd.

(O)(O)(O)

"Ohayo, Naruto!"

That voice, in comparison, brought Naruto to a screeching halt. "S- Sakura-chan! Hi!"

But the rosette, ever on the lookout for her team mate's behavioral quirks, immediately grimaced and looked away, blushing. "Do you _have_ to hold yourself in public like that? You aren't two any more, Naruto!"

The blonde looked down, flushing himself, "Yeah, about that... sorry, Sakura-chan! I just _really_ gotta go! I'll see you later!"

By the time the medic had finished rolling her eyes, he was already past her, running straight for his apartment. Thoroughly annoyed at being brushed off so quickly after not seeing each other for more than two years, she took off after him, falling in quickly with the three kids she knew he was friendly with.

"Hey, Sakura!" the leader, she thought he was named Konohamaru, called, "Are you chasing the boss too? Did he brush you off?"

Sakura nodded grimly, easily keeping pace with the shorter ninja, if not with Naruto, who was continuing to gain distance on them. At least she knew where he was going. "That jerk! Two years, almost three! And he whines about having to pee when he sees me? He only stopped for a second!"

The trio of youths frowned as one. It was a rather eerie effect for Sakura, but she suddenly had a thought. Just the seed of an idea, really, but a way to get back at the blonde for brushing them off. "Hey, you guys... I have a plan. Hold on. We can get back at Naruto _and_ have some fun at the same time. You guys in?"

Konohamaru, as she predicted, stopped at once. The devious grin on his face while the others, who'd sped past them for a few paces returned, reminded Sakura very much of the little boy he'd been when she, Naruto, and Sasuke had- in a way- saved them from the Sand Siblings years before.

But he was taller now, almost as tall as she was, and a ninja in his own right. He'd definitely be useful for this, since he was no longer the sad example of 'stealth' he'd once been.

"Okay, so here's the plan- let me know if you guys have any ideas to improve it."

Eagerly, the three Genin took the instructions and 'war plan' from their senior. A few minutes later, each of the four split up in a different direction to head home or, in Udon's case, to hit a clothing store for something. Each was quite excited about the plan, though Sakura's reason for that was quite a bit different than those of the younger three.

Still, it would be a prank for the ages, of that, Sakura was sure.

(O)(O)(O)

Naruto, out of breath and panting from more than just that, covered in sweat from the road and the strain of holding it all in, kicked through the door of his apartment. He was quite surprised to see it clean and mostly dust-free, it was certainly in better shape than it had been when he left. But he didn't have time to notice most of that. Instead, he charged around the corner toward his small bathroom, knocking the door open with his shoulder as he went.

At once, he started unzipping the jacket of his track suit, but then noticed... there was a problem.

There was no water in his toilet.

He checked the tank; it was bone-dry.

He jiggled the handle, wincing at the pain in his bladder.

Nothing.

He twisted the handle on his sink.

Nothing.

"Kuso! My water's off!" Not bothering to close the half-unzippped top of the track suit, Naruto dashed back out the door of the apartment, hurling himself over the balcony rail and down to street level- all twenty-two floors- in a single leap. The jarring impact made him cry out from the pain inflicted on his over-full self, but the speed had been _necessary_.

With a quick call of apology to "Baba-san", the old woman who kept the building (and its only other resident besides himself, last he checked) for barging into the equipment room, he immediately moved over to the valve he knew was directed to his apartment. The wrench he knew he'd need was, fortunately, nearby.

The squeal was horrific, but nothing Naruto hadn't expected. The satisfying rush of water moving up the pipes made the ninja sigh in relief, which was quickly overwhelmed by his need to relieve himself in a more physical way being amplified by said liquid noise, then retrace his steps back up to the apartment, running straight up the wall to avoid the backtracking exterior steps or very slow internal elevator. He didn't bother shutting the apartment door, his need was so great.

With a huge sigh, Naruto saw that the water in the tank was indeed already almost full, and the bowl rapidly getting there. He was safe!  
The top half of the track suit was off in a flash, and it was down around his waist- he needed a shower too, after all- but then he ran into a new problem.

Around his waist, the track suit didn't seem to want to move. It took his skin with it when he tugged.

That... had never happened before. What was going on?

"Damn it!" he cried, then, with no more time to waste before he burst, ripped the offending clothing completely off. Fortunately, he dimly noted, the glue- or whatever it was- had _only_ been applied around the belt-line. If it had been further south, in more sensitive- or hairy- areas...

But as the powerful stream began to fall into the bowl, Naruto sighed in relief.

"Finally... aaaaaah..."

The thunderous noise of water in the bowl was, perhaps, to blame for drowning out the noise of the kunoichi and three younger ninja at his open door who called his name.

He, though, was solely to blame for not shutting the bathroom door as well.

As a result, Sakura- the one who had entered first, checking around for him, was the first and only one to see Naruto, with one hand holding his... _Wow. That's... Naruto's gonna make some girl really happy one day,_ and the other holding him more-or-less upright as he leaned over the bowl, sagging slightly in either exhaustion or relief.

"Eww! Naruto! Why the hell are you- _shut the door_!"

Wide-eyed, Naruto's head spun toward her. Then, perhaps instinctively, the rest of him followed.

In later months, after the 'shame' of it all wore off, Sakura would be very glad he had just finished, because she did _not_ want him peeing on her. But then the fact that Naruto was giving her a full frontal view kicked in, and... "Naruto, you pervert! Don't point that thing at me!"

Before his stunned face showed anything other than shock, she'd pulled the door shut and run back into the living room where the younger ninja were waiting.

Moegi, who'd doubtless deduced exactly what happened, was already snickering, while the two boys looked on in confusion. "Why're you blushing, Sakura?" Konohamaru asked innocently.

Sakura shook her head. "No -nothing. Let's just... just get ready, before I chicken out."

Udon, more confused now than before, wondered aloud, "Why would you chicken out, Sakura-san?"

But she ignored him, and ordered, "Just get into position... as soon as he comes through the door, we have to be ready. Okay?"

They nodded and took up positions sprawled comfortably across Naruto's furniture.

She, though, moved back toward the bathroom, stopping several feet from the now-shut door. "Naruto! You're taking a shower, right?"

The silence only lasted a few seconds, but Naruto's frantic cry of "Don't come in! I'm just getting in!" made Sakura blush again. At least this time she was facing the wall, not those nosy brats...

"That's all right, we can wait! You have to meet for your debriefing, right?"

After he'd informed her that it was indeed the case, she continued, "All right- I'll make you something to eat. And then we have to have a talk- the four of us want to see how strong you've gotten. It'll only take a minute, okay?"

The water had started up while she spoke, but she could still clearly hear his agreement. "But I don't have any food!" he said a moment later, while she was distracted with thoughts of that chiseled (and how did the scrawny kid she remembered start looking like _that_ so quickly?) form with hot, steamy water running down it...

"Me and Hinata have been keeping the place up- and it was disgusting when we started, by the way, so you're _welcome_. She bought some stuff a couple days ago when we realized you'd be back soon. I'll see what I can throw together."

(O)(O)(O)

"Okay, I'm dressed... are you gonna hit me when I walk out there, Sakura?"

She rolled her emerald eyes, "No... it was my fault. I walked in on your bathroom, remember? Sorry about that... come on in. Me and your 'crew' have a jutsu to show you."

Naruto was still towelling off his head, but dressed in olive cargo shorts and a white t-shirt when he walked into the living room. So Sakura could forgive him for the delay in his reaction.

"Okay, what's this- _holy shit_!"

Sprawled length-wise along the couch, facing him, was a stunningly gorgeous, voluptous, and curvy pink-haired woman who more closely resembled Anko- in both dress and figure- than Sakura. Curled into her stomach, with one of the pink woman's arms draped casually yet seductively over her hip, was another woman, slightly younger, with cherry-red lips, brown eyes, and wearing only a... well, nothing resembling so much as a string bikini, top and bottom.

And across the room, in the corner, were two more women- both naked. One was brunette, the other black-haired, and the black-haired beauty was braiding the long hair of the other while they occasionally caressed lightly, both staring at him as if to say, "come here, stud," with their eyes.

"Do you like this, Naruto?" the pink-haired woman- who was startlingly familiar, though he couldn't place her exactly- said, practically purring as she did so.

"I... who- what... I..."

The speaker grinned like a cat with cream when she saw the trickle of blood start from the blonde's nose. "This is our new combination jutsu, Naruto... I call it the "Anti-Pervert Deluxe Harem Orioke no Jutsu."

"S- Sakura-chan? That's... that's _you_?"

Before she could finish giggling enough to actually respond, he'd passed out in a dead faint.

"All right, Konohamaru Squad," Sakura called, jumping up and releasing the Genjutsu over herself, "the plan was a complete success!"

The girl she'd been holding close reverted to Moegi, the others to Udon and Konohamaru of course, with puffs of smoke.

"Just one more thing to do..." she muttered, withdrawing a black marker from her pocket. "Thanks for grabbing a water-soluable one, Udon. I can put this right on his clothes, and it should wash right out..."

A few minutes later, as the four were leaving, Sakura gave one last check to the apartment. His food was steaming on the table, she'd just left a bit of smelling salts under his nose- he'd wake up in plenty of time to eat and get to the Hokage's office- and the words scrawled on his forehead wouldn't be noticed until he arrived... probably. At least not by Naruto.

After all, who would think twice about a teenaged ninja with the words "Insert ramen here" on his cheek, with an arrow pointing to his mouth on one side, and on his forehead, "Space for rent."

Best yet, in her opinion, was the writing on his shirt, which she'd cast another Genjutsu to prevent Naruto from seeing it until at _least_ after he reached the Hokage Tower. The words there read, with an arrow pointing straight down, "Essential Shinobi Gear. S-class. Proceed with caution."

With a final snigger, she pulled the door shut and turned to the others. "All right, you guys, let's get out of here. We don't want to be here when he wakes up, and Lady Tsunade wants to see me for something anyway."

"Okay. Hey, Sakura-" Konohamaru asked before she sped away, "What did that thing about 'essential shinobi gear' mean?"

The medic flinched, blushed, and with a pained smile said over her shoulder, "I'll... explain it when you're older. Later!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** First, apologies to those expecting OH... the chapter is more than half written, but I caught a cold yesterday, mostly in my sinuses, and I just wasn't up to writing much of anything (on the other hand, I did get a lazy day of Fallout: New Vegas (again)... Very relaxing, using an Anti-Materiel Rifle on Deathclaws, Mercs, and mostly Fiends...)

Anyway, I actually counted this time, and I have 3 more before I'm out of a buffer here- but if (heaven forbid) that happens before OH is done, I'll just start posting some of the OTHER stories I'm working on as well. I do have several after all.

Anyway, thanks as always to my beta, Mouse, and his eternal patience with my frequent typos. I blame the cold weather (it's been between -10 and 16 degrees Farenheit here lately, and I live in a metal box, so...) for most of the recent ones. Even if I had these typed up ages ago when it was still warm. Lol

And read the bottom A/N for once. ;)

* * *

**Chap. 4 Tests? I hate tests!**

"Heya, Baa-chan! How's it been? Didja miss me?"

It'd been two years, so maybe Naruto could be forgiven for letting his reflexes slide to the point where the paperweight, hurled from Tsunade's desk, could strike him in the forehead.

When he re-entered the room a minute later, wincing, it was a much quieter affair, though he slammed the door shut behind him, he could see several people already in the office. Apparently he was the last to arrive. Tsunade's oldest living friend, because she would not call Jiraiya a friend, stood behind her, holding the pig, Tonton.

Arrayed before the desk in order from right to left were Rock Lee, and Tenten, then a small gap obviously intended for him, Haruno Sakura, Mighto Gai, and Jiraiya. The slight rustle of a page turning out the open window told Naruto that Kakashi was probably out there as well, listening in while he rubbed his head and 'greeted' the Hokage. "Oww... old hag, what did you do that for?"

Another paperweight, this time already clutched in the Hokage's hand, crumbled to dust. "Two and a half years... and you call me 'grandma'? 'Old hag'? And you wonder why I throw things at you... I had two and a half years of _quiet_! Now it's gone! No- wait... why the hell do you have writing on your face?"

As one, the occupants of the room turned to stare. The one who had helped perpetrate the prank did so with wide a smile already adorning her, while the rest looked on in confusion, which, as they read, turned quickly to amusement.

Surprisingly, it was Shizune who first broke. Tonton was dropped unceremoniously to the floor as both the kunoichi's hands were brought to her mouth to hide- and fail at- the gasp, and more so the giggles that followed.

Tenten, immediately catching on to the 'full effect', asked, "Hey, Naruto... I knew you had ramen on the brain! Are you running a bit empty?"

More snickers followed. Even Gai, normally so... well, not _composed_, but self-contained, seemed to be struggling with laughter. Kakashi's head poked over the window-sill to see what the event was, but it quickly dropped back down as his one visible cheek turned pink.

"What? What's so funny?" the blonde asked, clearly confused.

It took several more seconds for the snickers to die down enough for Tsunade to hand Naruto a small mirror she kept in her desk for... well, to help recover from impromptu naps she took on her desk. Drool lines were not attractive.

"Whaaaat?! Who- Space for rent! That's not funny! I'm not dumb!"

Lee immediately rushed to Naruto's defense, though he was still smiling obviously, "That is correct! I have observed that Naruto-kun is an excellent strategic thinker and responds quickly to tactical problems!"

No one paid much attention, though.

Tsunade gave a long-suffering sigh, attempting to call the meeting back to order, "Calm down, calm down... even Naruto's not immune to pranks. Nicely done, whoever it was," The glance in her apprentice's direction told everyone (but Naruto, who was still looking at himself in the mirror, frowning) exactly who had done the deed. "But it's time to get to work. Only- oh, no. No. Naruto... no. Where did you get that shirt? You are _forbidden_ from ever buying a shirt with that on it again."

The blonde looked away from the mirror, examining the front of his t-shirt. "What? I don't even have any ramen stains on this one! What're you talking about?"

Tenten, snickering, brought her hands up in the ram sign and called, "Release!"

The front of Naruto's shirt shimmered in his eyes, revealing the black writing. "What? How did that get there? Tenten! I thought we were _done_ with pranks?!"

But the brunette shook her head, chuckling again, "I didn't put that on there... I wouldn't have had time. I had to get home and shower and change myself, remember?"

For the briefest of moments, Naruto turned toward Sakura. "No... Sakura-chan wouldn't do that, would she?" he muttered, before scowling, "That Konohamaru... I'm gonna get him _so bad_. Baa-chan, sorry... it's just marker, I think. I'll change when I get home... and I didn't see it 'cause of the Genjutsu. Sorry."

Already rubbing fingers into her pounding temples, Tsunade nodded slowly, muttering something about that 'not being an image she needed of her godson' that only Shizune heard (who snickered again), before calling everyone back into line.

Once Naruto had stepped up at attention, Tsunade looked over the line again. "First, Jiraiya... how strong has Naruto gotten?"

The older ninja chuckled, "Kid's a runt still, if he lets a straight-laced girl like Sakura here get one over on him. He might take on your average Chunin and win now, but he's got nothing on an experienced Jonin. He's never beaten me in a spar, not even close."

Naruto thought it was quite unfair to say that. Just because he'd never beat one of the Densetsu no Sannin in a spar he was 'a runt', or barely able to take on a Chunin. Besides... he'd beaten Ero-Sennin plenty of times. Even if some was only trickery... Who knew lying about burning certain books or lists of contact information or old photographs could be so effective?

"And about the special training? The one only you are capable of doing?"

Here, Jiraiya shrugged. "The kid's... not his mo- er... yeah. He's got _some_ talent, but has no where near the learning curve. It's all 'doing' with him, and since I'm not a member of his family, I can't 'do' it to show him. I think once he gets the trick he'll be able to handle it all right. He's up to two safely, and one moderately so. Past that gets really risky, really fast."

The others, barring Gai, looked at Naruto in curiosity, but he kept his face fixed firmly forward. If he hadn't told Sakura, yet... how could he tell the others? At least the old man had kept it _kind of_ hidden... but now, Sakura knew something was up with him. She'd want to know. He knew she would. The day was coming, and coming soon... he'd have to tell her. _Damn you, Ero-Sennin..._

"Okay. I know personally how strong Sakura's gotten in the last couple years... but I think if we're going to keep Team Kakashi as an active cell, they should have some experience with each other's new strengths too. We'll have to set up some sort of test. What about _them_? Any sign?"

Jiraiya, again knowing exactly what the Hokage was talking about, even if the other younger ninja had no idea (besides Naruto, of course), shook his head. "I've heard rumors... they've taken out Roshi from Iwa and Fuu from Taki in the last few years, but nothing major. I don't know if they have Han, also from Iwa, or Utakata from Kiri yet. As far as Yagura's... it's apparently still dormant. The one from Suna and two in Kumo are still secure, as far as we know. We came from Kiri, though, so our most recent info is from there."

Wheels started spinning in two kunoichi's heads. That was a lot of information, if very vague. A keen mind _might_ be able to put certain things together, given time.

Naruto groaned internally... the dreaded day had just been moved up several notches.

"All right," Tsunade continued, turning to Gai, "And how did your mission go?"

The green-clad Jonin snapped to even more rigid attention at being addressed, "Hokage-sama! Team Gai successfully destroyed the bandit forces in grid HH-22-46! There were no casualties, though we did receive an impairing injury on the return trip! Team Gai requests to be downgraded to inactive status until Jonin Hyūga Neji is able to return to duty, ma'am!"

Naruto watched in some amusement as Tsuande's light-brown eyes narrowed. "I _know_ all that, Gai. Tell me in detail, please... how did Neji get hurt? You've avoided it long enough. And how many bandits were there? I need to know for the mission completion paperwork to be filed."

"Ma'am! I... er... that is... I don't actually know how he was injured, Hokage-sama. Perhaps Lee-kun can tell you more, as he was next to Neji-kun."  
Tsunade nodded and turned to Lee, who also snapped to rigid attention. "Well?"

"Hokage-sama! Neji-kun was injured first by a falling piece of wood caused by an explosive trap! Then he was further injured when the same large block of wood fell on top of him! I am sorry I was unable to prevent his injuries, despite being no further than two meters away, Ma'am! I will accept full responsibility for my dereliction of duty!"

Before Tsunade, who was already wincing at the volume of the report could respond, Gai cried, "Lee! So brave of you to take the blame! If you cannot accept the due punishment, I will-"

The third, and last, paperweight from the desk suddenly filled Gai's mouth, though he was not rocketed from the room as Naruto had been earlier. "That's enough."

At once, both of the spandex-wearing ninja fell silent, though Gai looked like he wanted to spit the paperweight out, but didn't dare make any more noise.

"Okay... Jiraiya, back to you. What about this impromptu mission? Why did you conscript an already-tired team to explore ratty old ruins?"

Jiraiya relaxed slightly, and stepped out of the line to lean against the wall on the right, below the portraits of the Hokage. "Well... we weren't going to. But hey, I thought it was a chance worth taking, since we were there. How many patrols have missed the ruins completely? We had an Uzumaki, so we got right past the Clan seal-wards, so... why not? Besides, I know he has a concussion, but that Hyūga kid's injuries aren't _that_ severe. Considering what we learned... it was totally worth it."

Silence fell over the office for several minutes, the only sound the distant hum of the city below and the occasional rustle or giggle of Kakashi outside. Tsunade, though, was in no mood to be patient. "Okay... and _what_ did you find?"

Jiraiya shrugged, "Sorry... figured you didn't want it getting out around the whole Village... but if you want..."

Tsunade huffed out a long-suffering sigh, "Fine, fine... tell me later. I guess we have a little _test_ to arrange, don't we?"

Naruto jumped. He'd partially zoned out, mind filled with strange (but not unwelcome) thoughts of being between Sakura and Tenten in entirely _different_ circumstances... and much more relaxed dress. That word... that hated word, almost as bad as Ramen was good... Worse, even than g-g-ghosts...  
"T- t-t-Test? A _test_? You... I have to take a _test_?"

He could feel the blood draining from his face as the Hokage smiled, drawling out, "Yes, Naruto... you do. You, Sakura, and... let's say Tenten. The three of you will go up against... your two Jonin Sensei, and let's say, Shizune. Each squad has a ninjutsu specialist, a taijutsu specialist, and a medic. That sounds fair, right?"

Naruto, along with both of the kunoichi on either side of him, gulped. "S- s-s-sure, B-Baa-chan... that's fair! In fact, bring it on! Me, Sakura, and Tenten are super-strong! We'll flatten your Jonin team, won't we?"

The two kunoichi both facepalmed simultaneously. And, if they could have read each other's minds, would have been pleasantly surprised to find that both were cursing the loudmouth blonde out in the exact same words in their heads, too.

"Maa, maa," Kakashi's lazy drawl floated through the window, "A fight with my cute students? And I have Gai and Shizune-san on my side? That's not a very fair contest."

Tsunade, though, only grinned wickedly. "They aren't expected to _win_, Kakashi... just give us a good idea of their skills, that's all. Tenten, you can consider this your yearly evaluation... just a month or two early. I guess you can too, Sakura."

Naruto blinked. He wasn't aware that ninja were required to do yearly performance evaluations. Was that something new? Or just for Chunin?  
"Relax, brat," Jiraiya said, perhaps sensing his confusion, "Genin don't do it, because the Chunin Exams are basically the same thing. Chunin and Jonin- Tokubetsu too, of course- have to be evaluated regularly. It's part of the promotion process, and to make sure their skills aren't sliding. It's not a big deal."

Naruto nodded, much relieved. "Oh... so I can skip the test, then? I'm still a Genin, right?"

But the Hokage shook her head, "No, Naruto... I still need you to participate. Don't worry... I'm not _totally_ heartless. I'll give you guys until... say, dawn tomorrow. That's when the test will start. So you have the rest of the day and night to come up with a plan... And put on a different shirt. The Jonin will be permitted... fifteen minutes to do the same thing, but that's it. Sound fair?"

Naruto gulped, but his bravado would not let him back down. "S-sure. That's good... so... ne, Sakura, Tenten... want to go to Ichiraku? I guess we need to talk, and it's been so long since I've had that sweet, sweet... delicious... raaameeeeen..."

Sakura's palm met her face in a resounding slap a second time as Naruto's eyes glazed over. She chose to ignore the drool coming out of his mouth.

(O)(O)(O)

"Naruto! You're back! And- and you have writing on your... face."

Naruto blushed slightly, "Yeah... Konohamaru played a bit of a prank. I'm surprised he got me, but don't worry. I'll get him back later! Sorry if there's a problem. I just couldn't wait to have Ichiraku again!" As he spoke, Naruto prayed Ayame, sweet, innocent (if older than he) Ayame would not notice the writing on his shirt that everyone else had.

"Anyway, so we've got to have a bit of a meeting, me, Tenten, and Sakura-chan, so I'm gonna give you a lot of business. I gotta make up for lost time, anyc way!"

Both kunoichi cringed at the thought. If he downed twenty or so bowls on a daily basis, how many would he be eating tonight?

"Ooh, Naruto, you little play-boy!" Ayame said smoothly, grinning at both of the girls, "Just get back to town, and you already have two pretty girls hanging on your arms?"

Naruto smirked, "Heh, yeah... I guess it's just my sheer awesome leaking through."

After a two-and-a-half year break, Naruto had strangely almost missed the feeling of Sakura's fist impacting the back of his head hard enough to send him face-first into the countertop. Tenten's, right as his head bounced up from that initial hit, was a bit much though.

"Tch, as if! The day I accept a date with Naruto of all people..."

"Aah, Sakura-chan..." he groaned.

Tenten explained, "No, this is _not _a date. I wouldn't date that pervert either! But we have to have a planning session, the three of us are facing off against a trio of Jonin tomorrow at dawn, and we need to be ready."

"That sounds tough," Teuchi, the elderly owner of the ramen bar called from the back room, "So your first bowl each is on the house... and Naruto, you aren't getting free food for a week. I almost want to charge extra to make up for lost time!"

The blonde, still almost laying on the counter, groaned. "But Teuchi-Jiijii! It's not my fault I had to go! You know I wouldn't have missed out if I could help it. I'd have brought you both with me if I could have!"

Naruto, not having looked up, missed the look of affection the senior Ichiraku gave him, but Teuchi's tone was stern. "No can do, Naruto. We've almost gone out of business without yours keeping us afloat. So you'd better eat up, and be glad I don't charge you double."

At once, Naruto was upright, attentive, and speaking rapidly to Ayame, "Miso, Fish, Pork, Miso, Pork, Veggie, Pork, Miso, a Naruto Special, Pork, Super Special, and Miso to start with, please!"

Ayame felt tempted, if only for a moment, to call her father's bluff. Frankly, while giving Naruto free or discounted meals all the time did definitely make a difference in their finances, it was a small one- just enough to cover the amount he spent. They mostly broke even on him, and that was perfectly fine with both of them. But her father's look prevented the soft-hearted girl from letting Naruto know that little fact.

"All right, all right, settle down," a drawling voice said from behind them- close behind them, making all three jump.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei! Why are you spying on us? And how did you know we'd be here?"

The Jonin smiled behind his mask, "What, I can't wish my cute students good luck tomorrow?"

Sakura's eyes narrowed, "No, you can't. Quit spying and go plan with your own team. You'll need it."

Kakashi's grin widened. "Ma, ma! Such confidence! Well, I really did only come by to wish you luck. But to answer your question, Naruto... because you are entirely too predictable. And because I missed you! Come give your favorite sensei a hug!"

Perhaps, starved for affection as he had been growing up, Naruto could have been forgiven for it if he had leapt into his sensei's waiting arms.

However, something Kakashi had said tripped certain alarm bells in the blonde's head, making his hackles rise. So, instead of leaping at the chance for some (admittedly awkward) attention, Naruto's foot lashed up between Kakashi's legs with blinding speed.

Surprisingly (to more than just Naruto), the strike connected. The Jonin whimpered, then vanished in a puff of thin, white smoke.

"Not my favorite sensei any more, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto muttered as he turned back toward the stunned ramen waitress, "Besides, did you really think I wouldn't recognize a Shadow Clone? That _is_ kind of my signature jutsu."

As Tenten and Sakura shared a surprised, yet pleased look, on the rooftop across the street, Kakashi winced in pain as the last moments of his Kage Bunshin's memory merged with his own. "Oww..."

Shizune, next to him, snickered. "Looks like you're underestimating Naruto already, Kakashi. You need to be careful, or they'll give us trouble. Jonin or not."

Gai, on Kakashi's other side, looked excited. "Indeed, Kakashi! Naruto's flames of youth burn brightly!"

Shizune nodded, interrupting what would have been, no doubt, an entirely too loud tirade- loud enough to reveal their position to their 'enemies'. "And don't forget Sakura. She's my equal in medical jutsu already, and Lady Tsunade has taught her combat techniques I could never master. They aren't to be underestimated."

A few minutes later, the Jonin had a tentative plan, which largely relied on their greater experience, both individually and collectively, to adapt to changes. In other words, they would 'wing it'. If only, Kakashi mused, Naruto could see the corruption he'd brought to the elite (if strange) group of Jonin he'd been paired with... no sooner had he arrived than any sense of teamwork had fled from he and Gai. Wing it indeed...

But across the street in the small ramen stand, the three teenaged ninja schemed, planned, threw counter ideas at those, and worked on contingencies until the shop closed, vowing to meet again two hours before dawn to discuss any midnight additions to the plan they had come up with.

(O)(O)(O)

When the Godaime Hokage, Senju Tsunade, stepped into the clearing in the center of Training Area Seven at fifteen minutes before dawn, she was pleased to see all six combatants looking rested, intent, and ready. She was more pleased to see sixty two Jonin, five entire squads of Chunin, there to replace the damaged terrain with their own jutsu after the fight (but also to enjoy the show), and a full complement of... three entire classrooms of Academy students, and nine Genin teams, including, of course, Team Four, otherwise known as 'The Konohamaru Corps', 'Naruto's successors', and perhaps less kindly, 'The Brat Pack'. Tsunade smiled to herself, it was a good day. A beautiful, crisp early autumn morning, and a chance to either humiliate Kakashi or Naruto- two of the three biggest egos in Konoha (ranking, in her humble opinion, third and second- with Jiraiya, of course, having the top spot). Yes, it would be a good day indeed.

When said white-haired Sannin approached from Tsunade's left, which coincidentally also happened to be the direction of their younger student's team, he said quietly, "What's the pool on the kids?"

Tsunade snorted. "Fifteen to one- why, you looking to take a sucker's bet? Even I wouldn't bet on them."

Jiraiya shrugged, "No, I wouldn't take that bet either... what about last one standing? Or first to fall?"

Tsunade's grin widened. "Shizune's first to fall, according to my bookie... I bet against it. Then Sakura, since any idiot knows to take out the medic first. Um... I think it's Tenten, then Naruto. Gai and Kakashi are expected to both be up at the end. I _didn't_ take that bet."

Jiraiya's eyes widened at the last. "Really? I could've sworn... well, whatever. Even you have to call a good bet sometime."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed, "Wait... you bet one would go down too? Kuso... we don't need another disaster right now."

Jiraiya chuckled, "Relax, 'Hime! Just because you win a bet now and then doesn't mean the world's coming to an end!"

But the Hokage could not be convinced. "Every time, Jiraiya- every damned time. Name _one_ time I won a bet and something good happened."

Jiraiya didn't even have to think about it. "I got two. First, Shizune says you won big right before you met Naruto- and don't give me that look, any fool can see you adore the brat. And he you. But I digress- number two? You won against me the day I told Naruto I'd be taking him out of the Village- and I got him out of your hair for two and a half years."

Tsunade winced. As much as she _was_ rather fond of the loud genin, she did have to admit it had been pleasantly quiet (if a little dull) without Naruto around. "Hm... alright, so there's two. Compared to about five hundred! Maybe... maybe Rito-san will let me change my bet..."

But a cough from the field drew Tsunade's attention.

When she looked up, Kakashi was pseudo-politely standing at parade rest, with Gai a bundle of energy and Shizune looking ashamed to be associated with Tsunade again. Naruto, Sakura, and Tenten looked all too eager to simply jump into it.

Around them, though, the many spectators- and now she noted a few civilians as well, including the owners of Naruto's favorite stand- among them. And she'd been talking about changing her bet... shameful!

... Oh well. It was hardly the most embarrassing thing to happen to Tsunade that week... or even that morning. Being woken ten minutes earlier by said bookie, who could not resist the easy money he made from the Hokage every time anything remotely interesting happened, had entered the office to find Tsunade not just asleep on the desk, but sprawled across in, hand inside her jacket, and apparently scratching at herself in her sleep.

He, of course, had a slight nosebleed... but professed (he'd been lying) that he didn't care about such things at all- he only wanted Tsunade's money.  
Of course, her cracking knuckles might have persuaded him slightly in that regard as well, but in the end, it made no difference. Besides... it was too late now.

"All right," she called, "you six know the rules. Anything goes, as long as you stay within the grounds of the training area and outside the spectator's circle. And innocent bystanders that get caught in the blast... well... their fault for getting too close."

Several dozen people involuntarily stepped backwards three or four times, resulting in the slightly wider space Tsunade had been angling for.  
"Begin!"

(O)(O)(O)

There was not a spectator, including the Godaime Hokage who was refereeing the match, that did not expect at least Naruto to rush blindly forward, and pay for that dearly. Those who knew his style best, namely Jiraiya, Hinata, Kiba, and Neji, expected a flood of clones instead of himself. The effect of such a rush, of course, was expected to be the same as if he himself had gone.

Each of them was sorely disappointed.

In fact, the younger trio cautiously leapt away and into the undergrowth in an eerie mirror of the more experienced Jonin's tactics. For several minutes, the clearing where the match had started was silent.

Then the grass and earth in the center of the rough circle exploded upwards, leaving the debris to rain down on the spectators for the next few seconds. The watchers were left to wonder in amazement at the sheer celerity of the combatants; none of them had caught so much as a sliver of movement from the clash.

By Tsunade's stopwatch, that was it for nine more minutes. Just that one explosion (which she was certain had been her student's doing), then silence aside from the muttering and whispering crowd. Even the wind was still.

Nervous tension continued to mount over the next nine minutes. It was doubled for ten more, as similar explosions erupted at irregular intervals, shattering trees, uprooting brush, and leaving fissures and upturned soil and rock strewn across the wide training area.

"What is going on out there?" Kiba asked the group of 'rookies' idly, even while sniffing around, "I can smell them all, but the scent's everywhere. I can't pick any one out by location."

On the other side of Hinata, who was on Kiba's right, Neji gave a little "Hn," before explaining, "I am similarly confused. My Byakugan is not clouded, it's just that I see too many people. Even aside from the crowd, I can clearly pick out fifteen Narutos, twelve Sakuras, twenty-six Tentens, seven Kakashi-senseis, nine Shizune-sans, and four Gai-senseis. And each one is moving rapidly around each other in a rather complex formation, I simply can't track them all at once. How about you, Hinata-sama?"

The slight but buxom girl nodded and stuttered slightly, but not in nearly as bad a fashion as she would have two or three years before, "Y-yes, I see the same thing. I _think_ Naruto-kun, Tenten-chan, and Sakura-san are the nearest group on our left, but that is only because I have been watching them from the start of the match. But... if that group was Naruto's from the beginning, I would give up cinnamon rolls for two months."

Kiba snorted, "Yeah, you're probably right about that. Naruto may be a doofus, but Sakura would be smart enough to convince him to put out shadow clones or something for the start of the match."

Lee, on Neji's far side, cried out (loud enough to make Kiba's sensitive ears shudder in pain), "Yosh! Truly, the fires of Naruto's and Tenten's youth will carry the day against the most-unyouthful but incredibly hip Kakashi-sensei! Of course, they could never defeat the sheer overwhelming youth of Gai-sensei, but-"

"Be quiet, Lee," Neji said, slapping a hand over his teammate's mouth without looking, "Something's happening. The fighters are converging... at least some of them are."

Shino, on Kiba's other side, nodded slightly, "Yes. I have tracking insects on each of them, and your counts are accurate as far as I can tell, Neji-san. But I do not believe that any of them are the real combatants except the three at the northwest, southwest, and east edges of the training area... the others do not give off body heat. It is confusing in that they each smell as they should, however."

A moment's silence fell over the group as this information was digested. Shikamaru was the one to break it, surprisingly enough, "You can actually get all that from your bugs now? That's pretty good, Shino. You've advanced a lot in the last couple years."

The Aburame nodded, "Thank you. I have."

Ino huffed in slight annoyance at the blunt way the quiet teen took the compliment, but turned her attention back to the others, "So what's going on? The rest of us can't see anything like that."

Hinata answered, "Na- Naruto-kun and Sakura-san have split off from Tenten-chan, and are moving around the other versions of themselves and the Jonin- no, wait, they've mistimed one, and both Naruto and Tenten have been caught up in a fight with a Shizune-san..."

As she finished speaking, the intermittent explosions started up again, but not from the direction of the battle against the medical ninja. Neji noted, "The explosion almost caught Gai-sensei, but he seems to have evaded it, if only just. The tactics Sakura-san, Tenten-san, and Naruto-san are using seem to have advanced considerably from what I was expecting."

The others could only agree, if an explosion had caught Gai-sensei off guard enough to almost take him out.

(O)(O)(O)

"Kuso," Naruto growled, "Tenten! Can you cancel Genjutsu? I think she got me, but I can't be sure- she's all fuzzy around the edges, but it could have been that explosion that almost got me."

On the other side of the smirking Jonin, the younger kunoichi said firmly, "Shizune-san's probably better at Genjutsu than Neji or Gai-sensei. Let me give it a shot... _Kai_!"

The fuzzy edges of the Jonin wavered, but held.

Naruto frowned, "Didn't work... never mind. I have my own ways of removing Genjutsu, it just costs a bit more... cover your ears."

To his consternation, both Tenten and the medic did that very thing (as did the real Shizune, up in a tree behind him). But that would do the image, at least, little good as he screamed.

The chakra-loaded sound waves, unknowingly aided by his wind affinity, ripped through the area with astounding intensity.

In the watching crowd, Kiba and Akamaru both fell to the ground, clutching bleeding ears and writhing in pain. Shino fell to one knee, clutching both arms around himself and focusing every bit of chakra he could to keep his hives from running out of control as the sound washed over them.

Neji and Hinata, as well as a few other watching Hyuuga, winced, but did not otherwise falter. It was simply a bright flash, rather like wide-area lightning to their eyes, even if it took several seconds to fade after the screaming had stopped.

"Heh, how do you like _that_, Shizune-nee-chan? I know it's not a Genjutsu, but I think it's a pretty effective counter. Hey, where'd she go?"

As Naruto looked around for his vanished opponent, Tenten staggered upright. There was a slight trickle of blood coming out of her left ear and right nostril, but nothing compared to what Kiba and Akamaru had suffered, despite their greater distance. The glare she shot at Naruto would have felled a lesser man, however. "Naruto... if you ever do that around me again, I'll kick you between the legs so hard, you'll be talking in that high pitch for the rest of your life, super healing or not. Do you understand me?"

Naruto gulped and nodded, "S- sorry. I didn't think it'd be that bad, but I had to make sure I disrupted the Genjtusu."

Tenten continued to scowl, but looked around, placing the kunai in her hand back into her pouch, "All right, let's keep going. Now that the real Kakashi-sensei knows we're coming, we need to get moving if we're going to catch him."

Tenten immediately fell in beside the blonde shinobi, and between wiping the trickle of blood from her nose and ear, found the time to ask, "How can you tell who's the real ones, anyway?"

Naruto shrugged, "I can't, obviously, or that Shizune clone wouldn't have snuck up on us. But most of the clones are mine, and they know to avoid all others. It's the ones who aren't avoiding us that are the real ones."

"Ah," she replied, "That's pretty smart, Naruto. I didn't think you had it in you."

He frowned, but said nothing as they moved toward the edge of the training area as quickly as they could, while the random explosions started up again. _Good timing, Sakura-chan,_ he thought, _just keep them on their toes a bit longer..._

Neither, of course, noticed the real Shizune quickly perform a healing jutsu on herself before moving after them. If they had indeed found the real Kakashi, he would probably need her help. This more mature Naruto was not something she thought the elite Jonin would be ready for, and that underestimation, which she had already noticed he was prone to, would be bad for his health.

But when she reached the clearing, there was no battle taking place. In fact, all she found was an unconscious Kakashi, a smirking Naruto, and a winded Tenten. Unfortunately, her haste had thrown her out into the clearing before she was able to stop, so both of the younger ninja knew she was there.

"Heh, you came to back him up, huh Shizune-nee-chan? Nice of you. You ready to go?"

The tall kunoichi frowned, "I don't know how you got the drop on Kakashi-san so fast, Naruto-kun, but you'd best not take me lightly. I may not be a combat specialist, but I am one of Lady Tsunade's students."

He nodded solemnly and assumed a combat stance, one she was somewhat familiar with: the Toad Style. If she remembered right from the few times she'd seen it, or heard about from Tsunade, he would be using his legs as offense, and arms almost purely as a deflective, redirecting defense. Likely, given his youth and relatively longer legs, it would be more effective in Naruto's hands than Tsunade's stories of Jiraiya using the style. But she was still a Jonin, and could adapt her style to suit his... she would be avoiding close combat anyway. "Suit yourself, Naruto... and don't think I've forgotten you, Tenten-san. I've read reports of your skills too."

The brunette, who had been inching around to flank Shizune, frowned and stopped. _Crap. If what Naruto said was true, she has a senbon launcher on her arm, I can't out-speed that with just my throwing, so I can't protect Naruto that way. And if her poisons are as effective as Sakura says, he won't be immune to that either. I can protect myself with a melee weapon, but... I guess I do have a shield, but will it work for Naruto? Can he use one and still fight?_  
There was nothing for it, she'd have to ask, even if it clued the Jonin in to their plan a bit. "Naruto, can you take care of her senbon? Do you need me to loan you my shield?"

The blonde thought for a moment, but shook his head. "No, but do you have a pair of tonfa?"

Pushing down her surprise that Naruto would suggest a weapon that, to her, was inferior, she pulled out the appropriate scroll and unsealed the weapons. Fortunately, it only took a moment, because Shizune took that chance to launch a volley at the younger kunoichi. Since the weapons immediately unsealed in her hands, though, the weapons expert was able to deflect them easily before tossing the black-finished wooden weapons to her temporary team mate, "There you go- try not to bang them up too bad."

He caught one easily, but had to jump into the air to catch another. Before he had landed, the blonde had both of the weapons lined up along his forearms, in the same stance he had been using before. _Oh, that's why. It only increases his reach a couple inches and guards his arms, he can still deflect just as easily and it doesn't interfere with his legs. Good choice, Naruto!"_

Just before Shizune sent another volley at Naruto, hoping to catch him off-guard as he landed, the ground lifted up underneath her violently.  
Caught completely off guard by the (seemingly random) explosion, Shizune was sent sailing through the air in a parabolic arc fifteen feet high and almost as long. As the medic descended, her skills were advanced enough to set, but not quite fully mend, the broken ankle and bruising around her legs, leaving Shizune just enough time to draw a kunai to parry the younger kunoichi's staff.

Tenten, though, had one more trick up her sleeve with this weapon. She had seen the medic coming down practically on top of her, and chose the long weapon for it's reach... and flexibility. Because this was not her iron bo, this was her sansetsukon, her three-sectional staff. The farther joint unhinged just as the Jonin parried, lending that much more momentum to the blow, which struck her in the neck.

Shizune fell to the ground in a heap, but quickly recovered and sprang to her feet, before jumping back and launching a third volley, this time toward Tenten again.

As the staff whirled around in a dizzying circle, each of the ten senbon the launcher fired at a time was deflected. It was then that Shizune truly began to worry... at least a little. The random explosion had been bad enough, but Tenten's timing and the power behind her blow was formidable, easily Jonin caliber. _What I should have expected from Gai, though._

"Ouch," she said aloud, moving one hand to her neck to undo the damage, "you guys will wear me out of chakra at this rate."

Naruto smiled widely, "Heh, that's not the plan though, Shizune-nee-chan," he said, before dashing forward in what seemed to be a reckless charge. A moment later, Tenten did the same.

Shizune immediately began backpedalling. She might have been a match for one of these younger ninja up close, but certainly not both. The downside of the senbon launcher was that it took a few seconds to reload, and her ability to both attack and defend was drastically reduced while doing so. One hand had to remain still, and the other to reload it before it could fire again. And her melee options were limited only to chakra scalpels, which she refused to use in a non-lethal fight, and the kunai, the lone kunai she carried. _I so wish I'd been able to learn Lady Tsunade's strength jutsu!_

But before she was able to think of another plan besides avoid the two ninja coming at her from the front, a sharp pinprick at her lower back and arm wrapping around her neck with a kunai below her chin brought her to a halt immediately, "Whoah there, Shizune-nee-chan," Naruto's low voice said from an inch behind her left ear, "I almost skewered you. Be more careful, okay?"

A moment later, a shrill whistle filled the training area, signalling a one-minute rest. Immediately after, Tsunade's voice rang over the area, "Jonin Shizune is out for the match! The fight will resume when I blow the whistle again, in... fifty-two seconds!"

Shizune frowned... she'd really been the first one out? What kind of medic allowed themselves to be taken out so easily, even if they weren't front-line fighters?

"Don't feel too bad, Shizune," Tenten said in a would-be-comforting way, "we've been playing all three of you this whole time."

Just as she finished talking, the Naruto on Tenten's right vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving the tonfa to fall to the ground. As Tenten moved to pick them up again, she tossed them toward Naruto, who stepped up beside Shizune to grab them, "These should work pretty good with my style, thanks Tenten-chan. I'll give them back after the match."

The brunette nodded before turning to the medic, "Anyway, like I was saying, we've been playing you from the start. I'm the only real one here right now, even this Naruto is a clone. We're all in the battlefield, but we've split up. Even the ones at the start weren't the real us, because Naruto and Sakura knew that Kakashi-sensei could use kage bunshin as well. And the explosions? That's not random at all, it's Sakura."

Shizune nodded with a frown. She could tell what Tenten was saying was right, but still. How could they be duped so easily? "Yes, but how is she aiming so well? She isn't even close enough to see me from what I can tell, there aren't even any clones around."

The Naruto holding the tonfa grinned, "Well, we don't want to give away all our secrets... but you haven't looked down."

Only then did Shizune notice the white-and blue slug, no more than two inches long, a few feet away. "Katsuyu? Sakura can summon _Katsuyu-sama?_"  
The slug, though, shook it's head (such as it was) slightly, "No, Shizune-sama," the little creature said in a soft voice, "I am just a simple slug, a far cry from Katsuyu-hime. I am only able to communicate directly with Sakura-sama because of a jutsu she used."

Shizune exhaled a sigh of relief. It would have been humiliating to be so easily surpassed in the strength of the slugs they could summon, on top of losing so easily to a trio of Chunin or Genin. "Hah... I guess that's something, then... you guys better get ready, Kakashi and Gai won't be going as easy on you, especially without me to back them up."

But Tenten only smirked while gesturing with a thumb, "You mean that Kakashi, the one we already took out?"

But Shizune frowned over at the still body, "I can tell now that it's a clone. Even unconscious, Kakashi would still move more than that one with a fight going on."

Tenten shrugged with a smile, "I guess... still, it was an effective enough trap."

Shizune nodded as she turned and started walking toward the center of the area again, "Yeah, you guys did pretty good, I'm impressed. But don't let your guard down, like I said, Kakashi and Gai are much stronger than me."

The Naruto clone (though she was almost sure this was the real one, no matter what he said) answered back as he twirled the tonfa to get used to their weight, "That's why we went for you first. I'd hate to have to go up against them both over and over 'cause you keep healing them."

* * *

**A/N2:** I know it cuts off rather suddenly, but it was the best place I could find- the chapter would have been too long if I'd left them together, and there were some things (prank setups) that I needed to have wait until later so you forget about half of them until the trap is triggered. :)

Lastly, a reminder to read, review, and check the poll out on my profile. It's related to this story... and while I don't do it often, it's also related to the plot. Specifically, the ship. Do I keep it strictly NaruTen as I was mostly planning? Do I bring in Shion (before NaruTen happens) do keep his Shippuden promise? Or do I do a poly 3-way (as I did in Late Blossoms, and am working on in OH) with Naruto, Tenten, and Shion all at once, as my Beta has been urging me to do?

It's been up for a month and I don't have a vote yet, so every single one counts... including yours. Even if the majority is only by 1, I'll still go with that, so...


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** First, apologies to those expecting OH... again. It's still my main focus, and I am writing more of it (on a daily basis, usually), but I've had several things crop up- like possibly moving and having my glasses break after a loyal 15 yrs of service- that have prevented me from having it quite complete and up to snuff. Suffice it to say, next week will almost certainly be OH again.

2 more for the buffer (which shows I haven't been focusing on TROLL, since it hasn't gone anywhere in 5 updates...).

Anyway, thanks as always to my beta, Mouse, and his eternal patience with my frequent typos.

There is a response (not a long one) to a couple of reviews I got recently for this story which I'd like to make public- somewhat because PMs were disabled for this reviewer, and somewhat because I disagree with what he said and it may be a large problem (in one respect). If anyone's interested in reading, anyway.  
Otherwise... Enjoy!

**Edit:** I uploaded this... about 4 weeks ago. I guess I just forgot to add it to the story. Sorry. lol I'm still putting another one after this. :)

* * *

**Chap. 5 An Elite Match: Jonin vs... Not.**

"Did you feel that, Gai?" The quiet voice of the speaker belied the tension both Jonin felt as they lay hidden next to each other in some undergrowth.

The entire match had seemed... well, just a little _off_ from the beginning. It wasn't that they were worried, per se. Both of the Jonin knew their students, while each gifted in their own way, were not truly a threat to themselves if they went all-out. Well, maybe Naruto if he started using the power of the Nine-Tailed Fox more than was strictly wise (ie, at all), but Kakashi knew that the Hokage would put a stop to things if it got that far. After all, in Naruto's eyes (and everyone else's)... if he was pushed that far, he'd already lost.

"Yes, just a slight tremor, right before the explosion. From pretty deep underground, I'd wager," the bowl-cut Jonin grinned, "Haruno-san has picked up a few jutsu even you didn't know about, it seems."

Kakashi grinned, "Well, technically Sakura hasn't been my student in almost three years, Gai. I'd be a little surprised if she _hadn't_ learned something new, especially under Tsunade-sama. Still, that's a pretty dangerous combination. It doesn't seem like we'll be able to get to her easily, if she's hiding that far below ground."

Beside the scarecrow, the much bulkier Maito Gai gasped, "Kakashi, you wound me! Your devilishly hip attitude is one thing, but to call into  
question my abilities? Surely you haven't forgotten that I am now _two_ ahead in our string of contests?"

Behind his mask, the normally-easy going Jonin frowned slightly, "No, Gai, I hadn't forgotten... as much as I'd like to. But who knew you were able to out-eat an Akimichi? Anyway... you think you can get to her without causing serious injury?"

Gai nodded, "Indeed, Kakashi," while standing from his position and flexing more muscles than were strictly necessary for the 'nice guy pose', "In fact, I believe a technique I recently started teaching Lee will be able to get her out in the open easily enough. Give me a signal, and I'll take about... three seconds to have her up on the surface, where you can move in for the kill."

"Ma, 'kill' is a little harsh, isn't it, Gai? She's only a Chunin, and my cute little student!"

In response, the bulkier Jonin slapped the thinner one across the shoulder, forcing it to dispel in a puff of smoke.  
"First Gate: Gate of Opening... Open!"

Several dozen feet away, a white-haired Jonin grimaced as his clone's destruction fed the memories of its and Gai's conversation to him. At once, though, he started counting. If Gai felt the need to open even one of the Eight Gates, he should probably take the fight a little seriously too... after all, it had been a while since Shizune had checked in. Since Tsunade had not called the match, that must have meant at least one of the others was still out there. And with Naruto involved... one just never knew what was going to happen next.

A moment later, a surge of chakra from Gai's fist slammed into the ground, creating a visible ripple which spread out far past where Kakashi still lay in every direction. The effect on the surface was minimal, but he could feel the impact and kinetic force, both chakra-fed, ripped through the soil and bedrock further down violently.

The pressure Kakashi could feel beneath him let up considerably, then sharpened quickly. He had just enough time to get to his feet and jump away before the earth underneath him crashed upward, followed by a dirty but well-maintained fist covered in a glove made from supple black leather, reinforced with studded steel plates.

When the dirt settled, which took several minutes, Kakashi was unsurprised to see a slightly winded, quite filthy, and very put-out Haruno Sakura standing at the top of a mound of loose dirt higher than he was. "Ma, Sakura... you should bathe more. You'll never get a man at this rate."

Sakura, though clearly annoyed at the jab, refused to take the bait. Instead, she spent a few more seconds spitting dirt before glaring in Kakashi's direction, "That was cheap, Kakashi-sensei. The whole battle field is useless for Earth jutsu now! At least all the ones I know!"

The lackadaisical Jonin only smiled behind his mask with a shrug. "I had nothing to do with it, believe it or not... that was all Gai. I just wanted you out in the open. I have to say, though, that was a good idea. The Hiding Like a Mole jutsu is pretty lethal when you combine it with an attack like what you've learned from the Hokage."

The medic stood up taller for a moment with a smile, "Thanks, Kakashi-sensei. I thought it was a pretty good tactic myself, I'm surprised it took Tenten to think of it. But now that my secret's out, you can bet she and Naruto will be here to back me up."

Just then, a shrill whistle echoed through the new clearing. Tsunade's voice rang over the area, "Jonin Shizune is out for the match! The fight will resume when I blow the whistle again, in... fifty-two seconds!"

Sakura's grin widened, only to fall again a moment later when she recognized the green-clad man stepping from the brush behind Kakashi. Gai had clearly opened a gate already, if the visible chakra streaming off him was any indication. One Jonin, maybe, she might have been a match for in close combat... but not two, and especially not _these_ two. All she could do now, when the whistle blew again, would be to stall and delay... and hope Naruto and Tenten got to her fast enough to keep the two better fighters from creaming her.

(O)(O)(O)

"Primary Lotus!"

The cry from two hundred yards away had Lee, Neji, and everyone else who'd seen the jutsu in action before cringing. Neji actually flinched and shut off his Byakugan momentarily. "My apologies... it's just too gruesome."

"What?!" Ino cried, "Surely they wouldn't-"

But Hinata interrupted, "No, Sakura-san is all right. It's just... there isn't much left of the area. Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei didn't give her a chance at all, and N-Naruto-k-kun- I mean, N-Naruto-s-s-san and Tenten-chan are still a ways off."

Kiba scowled, "I know this is a combat spar, but still. Isn't the point of this to see how good Sakura, Naruto, and Tenten are? It's not just to team up and squish them, is it?"

Shikamaru groused, "Such a drag... you really don't get it? That _is_ the point. They're trying to test tactics too, and if Sakura, arguably the weakest fighter on the team, is left alone and vulnerable, that's a weakness the Jonin _should_ exploit."

No sooner had he finished speaking than the whistle blew again, giving the watchers a full minute to calm down, and for the medics on standby to evaluate the injuries of those in the fight.

As Sakura was carried off on a stretcher (despite her vociferous complaints about it), Ino couldn't help but remark, "Two on two now. Naruto and Tenten are gonna get slaughtered, now that both medics are out."

Most of their circle of friends agreed. Two, however, dissented, though neither said a thing about it.

The female of the two only had one thought on her mind. _Do your best, Naruto, and I'm sure you can win!_

The male? Well, his thoughts were considerably more in-depth, but he just didn't care to explain any more. Even thinking about Naruto at all was just too troublesome.

(O)(O)(O)

An explosion caused by several explosive tags in a chain setup caused both Gai and Kakashi to spring into action. Both Jonin lunged forward, knowing, perhaps, that their _best_ chance was taking out the younger ninja quickly. Since the fight was limited to non-lethal moves, their best attacks were forbidden, and the younger duo had the stamina to outlast them... or at least, Naruto had the stamina to outlast Kakashi, and Tenten probably did too.

No one really wanted to think about how long a fight on just endurance and chakra reserves would go if it was between Gai and Naruto.

The Chunin seemed to have been prepared for the onslaught, and had summoned a wall of sharpened steel spikes, which had appeared already sticking up dangerously in a forest of sharp pointy bits to impede the Jonin's progress.

Naruto, on the other hand, seemed to have been taken by surprise. The delaying tactic from the tool-user, though, gave him the chance he needed to recover... sort of.

The Jonin had, without communicating, pushed off each other, sending Kakashi high and over, and Gai low to slide beneath the dangerous parts of the instant tiger-teeth barricade.

The masked ninja came down with his right leg extended in an axe kick, attempting to bury his whiskered student's head into the ground before he could react.

Tenten was now just as surprised by the speed with which the two rivals had worked together to go around her trap (and in the fastest, most efficient way possible, too!), and was now hard-pressed to defend herself against her taller, stronger, faster Sensei... not least of which, because almost everything she knew about taijutsu she'd learned from him. _At least,_ she thought, _I have my bo._ The two younger ninja had walked confidently into the shattered clearing where Sakura had been taken out. None of the four of them were Genjutsu users, they all preferred a straight-up fight, so why mess with that? Besides, if they _did_ try it, Kakashi's Sharingan and Gai's experience and speed would likely overpower their own more feeble attempts. So a brawl it was, as Naruto had put it, mano y man...a? Whatever, she didn't need to know that far-distant language anyway.

A third parry in less than a second made Tenten focus once more on the battle. She had, on occasion, been able to tag Gai with one weapon or another. He was fast, incredibly so, but he was not _perfect_, and she was fast and skilled in her own right. The fact that he hit her far more often than she him was irrelevant... she had to take the chance. Staying power or not, she did not trust Naruto to be able to stand up to the kind of punishment Gai-Sensei dealt out. At least she was used to the training.

But the fourth parry, this time of a headbutt (_What the hell is he doing?!)_, shattered the steel-lined staff, and cracked into Tenten's hitai-ate with resounding force. The follow-up knee that crashed into her side just below her floating ribs sent Tenten tumbling through the air, dazed, toward Naruto.  
He, unfortunately, was not up to the task of catching her. Not while he was dodging phoenix-shaped fireballs, water bullets, and lightning-fast strikes.

As a result, she impacted Naruto hard enough to send the clone flying ten feet before the shock dispelled it. She, 'fortunately', had been able to bleed most of her momentum from that impact, and fallen on her back to slide a few meters across the loose ground away from Kakashi, who stood staring down at her.

"Owie..."

"You might want to surrender now, Tenten-chan," Kakashi drawled, "I knew that was a Shadow Clone all along, and so am I. The real me's probably taking out Naruto right about-"

The explosion was far more powerful than Tenten had planned for, despite the blonde warning her the night before that his biggest attack was _really_ powerful. Kakashi and Gai had both been knocked off their feet, and the scarecrow she'd been facing had taken a spinning tree limb across the chest.

It did not, however, dispel afterwards. Instead, the real Kakashi sat up, wincing, and wheezing slightly, "Oohhhwww... thzat heeeewwt. Kwaaaked maah sternuhm."

Tenten used his injury (because no Jonin could fake spreading blood like that through their shirt... not easily, anyway) to get to her feet and summon another set of weapons, her dual broadswords. The wickedly-curved and more-wickedly sharp blades glinted cruelly in the sunlight, but Tenten didn't particularly care. No lethal techniques just meant she couldn't decapitate either of them. A little bit (ok maybe a _lot_) of bleeding would be a fair trade for the beating they'd given her..."

"You okay back there, Naruto?" she called. Sixteen voices, from all around the clearing, called out some variation of yes.

She could see, out of the corners of her eyes, the bystanders and watchers picking themselves up and inching closer again, though many of them were maintaining much better cover than they had been. Six Narutos walked out of the trees next. Three headed toward Gai, who watched them warily but apparently unconcerned, two toward Tenten, and the last toward Kakashi.

Tsunade continued to watch dispassionately as Naruto helped his old sensei, who seemed wary (probably wisely so), to his feet. But when Kakashi tried to let go and resume combat readiness, the blonde kept a tight grip on the other man's wrist. "Oh, Kakashi-Sensei? Did you know the man who invented the Great Clone Explosion was Ero-Sennin?"

The white-haired man's single visible eye stretched comically wide, and he jerked away. Naruto's clone, displaying surprising strength, dug in it's heels and took hold of Kakashi's arm with both hands. "Not so fast, Kakashi-Sensei! You haven't seen how super-charged I can make it yet! Don't you want to see?!"

"Uh, no," the tall man said, clearly desperate to escape, "I think I'll see it later, thanks. You can let go, now... I'll-"

"But Sensei!" the clone cried, louder now, "I just want you to see how strong I've become! How can anyone else acknowledge me if my own Sensei won't let me strut my stuff?!"

"No, no, I believe you, Naruto!" Kakashi cried, still trying to yank his hand away, while the other moved up to his headband.

Across the clearing, Gai facepalmed. Kakashi... was an idiot. That wasn't a clone at all... even he could tell that, and he didn't have Kakashi's Pinwheel Eye. Yes, facepalming may have been an unyouthful gesture, but... he felt it warranted in this case. Naruto was making a fool out of the elite Jonin... or at least, he would be in a minute.

Kakashi had just gotten the headband half-way off his Sharingan when the kunai poked him in the back of the neck. "I win, Kakashi-Sensei," the one in front of him said with a smile, letting go at once. The whistle blew.

Kakashi lifted the headband all the way off, the tomoe spinning.

He whimpered.

"I've said it before, Naruto... the number one, hyperactive, unpredictable- really unpredictable- knucklehead ninja. That's definitely you. Congratulations. I thought you'd try and steal my Icha Icha to bribe me with, or something."

The clone behind him sniggered. "You mean _this_ Icha-Icha?"

Kakashi spun. The clone was, indeed, holding the yellow-covered Volume Three... and then it grinned wickedly.

"You wouldn't..."

"I _so_ would. But... you already surrendered. So here you go." The clone tossed the book back to Kakashi, who caught it deftly and cradled it to his chest, sobbing with relief. He sank to his knees as the minute rest after someone was taken out continued to count down.

While the clone and the real Naruto gave each other repeated high-fives and fist-bumps as they congratulated each other on their quick thinking and teamwork (while fleeing Kakashi as fast as they could without letting him know something was up), Tenten watched in amusement. Kakashi was _really_ into his books if he didn't notice the third shadow clone... especially with his Sharingan active.

Tsunade blew the whistle, and several things happened at once.

Gai called out, "Second Gate, Gate of Healing: Open!"

Tenten dropped her scimitar-like weapons and summoned a towering shield with spikes on the bottom, which she thrust into the ground and cowered behind.

The Naruto clone bravely sacrificed itself throwing it's master (who had apparently forgotten or not known his plan) to the ground, dying in the process.  
Kakashi? Well, he got his already-wounded sternum exploded.

The book? The innocent (yeah, right) book? It was, of course, another clone under Henge... and yes, Naruto really did know the Great Clone Explosion technique.

While Tsunade performed the necessary emergency procedures to keep Kakashi from needing _really_ urgent care and the regular medics and medi-nin arrived on the scene, Tenten and Naruto stood and resumed their ready stances. Gai had, in the brief span, opened the third gate, the Gate of Life, as well. Things were not looking good... but they still had one trump, one last move to try... short of getting beaten to smithereens by the super-powered taijutsu grandmaster, anyway.

But neither really considered that a viable 'tactic', no matter how likely it was to happen if Gai was _this_ serious.

Even two on one, they had no chance if he was opening more than one gate.

Knowing the plan as well as he possibly could, Naruto attempted to spam Shadow Clones at Gai until his time limit of using the Gates ran out.

Unfortunately, he had based that calculation on Lee's limit, and not the much stronger Sensei's... who apparently _had_ no limit. Because two hours later, some of the crowd were getting bored with watching clone after clone (or dozens and dozens at a time) be crushed under the might of, well, Maito Gai, only to be recreated or reborn a moment later by the chakra generator that was Uzumaki Naruto.

Tenten, however, appreciated the rest... if she was going to do this, _really_ going to do this, she would need time to prepare... not just the trick itself, but mentally.

How long does one take to prepare to go against everything they stand for, anyway?

"Fifth Gate: Gate of Limits: Open!"

And then Gai was gone, into a vividly green blur. A flash of viridian later, so were the clones, and Naruto was slumping to the ground, unconscious.

Tsunade blew the whistle just in time to save her from Gai's onslaught. And by 'just in time', I mean that Gai's knee stopped two inches from Tenten's nose. The Sensei, however, even with five gates open, had the self-control and discipline to stop himself in an instant. Tenten was quite grateful in that moment for all the training Gai did. He went back to a neutral position, and Tenten took a single step away, allowing him to look- really look- at her.

Because while he'd been distracted by Naruto, she had put the final, horrifying phase of their master plan into effect.

It was a technique only she could pull off, at least in the middle of combat.

She thought she might call it ex-quip, but something about the word, a combination of equip and exchange, rang of... was that plagiarism? Anyway, it was a natural evolution of her tool and weapons summoning. All she'd done was seal and unseal one outfit, exchanging it for another, so quickly that she couldn't be seen through the smoke in the interim.

Several members, all the members, of the crowd gasped in near-simultaneous shock.

Oh, how the mighty had fallen... Tenten, proud kunoichi of Konoha, had stooped lower than anyone thought she ever would.

She was clad... in green spandex.

The orange legwarmers were, for her, at least pink instead of the orange her teammate tightly-fitting, far too revealing, green spandex all the same. The very same suit, in fact, that she'd worn when Naruto had demolished her clothes in Uzu.'

"Gai-Sensei," she cooed after the echoes from Tsunade's whistle faded. The man in question seemed so distracted, so overcome, that she felt she had plenty of time to lay it on thick. "In Uzu, I had the chance to... see the error of my ways. I... I wore one. And I _liked it_. Can I have one of my own, now? Pleeeeeeease? I want to be youthful, just like you and Lee."

The insects (not that any were left after the fighting had started) were silent.

The silence in the clearing was deafening. The wind had stilled in the trees.

Watchers, both civilian and ninja alike, stared, aghast. Stared in abject horror at the very idea...

In Konohagakure that day, ninety-two people, with one exception, everyone who could see it directly, shared one simultaneous thought... and then blanked the image from their minds forever. _Not another green one..._

But Lee's shout spurred their Sensei on. "Yosh! Tenten-chan, I knew it would work! You have finally discovered the raging power of _youth_!"  
Gai twitched. "Tenten..."

"Yes, Gai-Sensei?" she asked, smiling and forcing her eyelashes to flutter. _Kami, I feel so dirty... is this what a whore feels like? _

"I am... _so proud of you_!" The volume of the cry shook the trees into motion again.

But as Gai spread his arms to envelope his female student in a hug, Tenten took a lesson out of Naruto's book from the ramen stand last night.  
That lesson? No such thing as a cheap shot.

_Crack_.

Gai's eyes rolled up into his head as he fell backwards, clutching his groin.

He did not so much as whimper before he hit the ground.

Then the whistle blew, and Tsunade's voice echoed through the area,"Well, their methods might be a little unorthodox, but I can't deny it... the kids won!"

Then all she could remember was the horror, the shame, the unbearable agony, of being forced to wear that... that _thing_.

Without thinking about the consequences, Tenten immediately ripped the offensive green monstrosity off her flesh, and threw it as far as she could, shuddering. "Ugh..." she moaned, before realizing why the men in the group were not cheering... and why the women were urging her to 'put some clothes on, Tenten!'

The elation from defeating the Jonin was, understandably, a little short lived for the brunette.

_At least I still have my cute, garden-variety combat-skivvies on... I hate my life..._

* * *

**A/N2: **First, **check the poll** on my profile. It's fixed now, and I need responses as it concerns this story.

This is the review(s) response I alluded to in the earlier AN:

I won't name the name of the reviewer (no need to do so in a public forum, I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything), but his comments have lead me to make these clarifications:

In response to his(?) first review: Not according to my source(s). Both of the maps that I use for Naruto research (of which I do a considerable amount for every story I write) show Wave being off the east coast of Hi no Kuni, and slightly south of Konoha- that makes is southeast (more east than south, and the more accurate direction would be east-southeast, or east-due-southeast).

Wave is also east of Hi no Kuni- but when the story was written (even that first chapter) it was further south on the same map (which has been edited since publication... or at least since I wrote the chapter a few months ago). It is still, however, south-east of Konoha, and east-southeast of Wave, which used to be Uzu.

In response to the second review: No, this Naruto is _not_ a moron like in canon. He is, in fact, quite intelligent... in an unconventional way. As, I would think, this chapter starts to illustrate (more than the last did, anyway, or the 2nd). He is a bit oblivious (and anyone who thinks a 15-16 yr old boy is _not_ is sadly underinformed- I've been there, I was an idiot back then too), but he is far from stupid. Notice the verbal byplay between he and Tenten in Ch2 (which is the chapter that earned this review, by the way, if I recall correctly). He's not dumb- he's running circles around one of the more intelligent kunoichi verbally. That's not something dumb, unintelligent, or uneducated people can do very easily.

That being said, he is both like and unlike canon. Jiraiya took his training a bit more seriously in TROLL than he appears to have in canon, as did Kakashi (and before him, Hiruzen Sarutobi, though to a lesser extent obviously). He's not a genius in every-day life. He's not Shikamaru.

But he is tactically, strategically, and _in some ways_ socially brilliant. Look how he uses his clones even in canon. Not just as canon fodder (though it looks that way at first glance). Except chapter 1-2, he uses them to analyze and probe his opponents' strengths and weaknesses... and figure out a way past them, mid-battle. How many opponents does he catch by surprise? Even those who should never be surprised by him (Neji, Sasuke)? That's genius, no two ways about it.

Socially... He's a bit awkward. He's a kid who grew up essentially alone. But he also empathizes and sympathizes better than anyone else around, and that... can do things to/for people.

Anyway, this same reviewer also said the story wasn't for him, then favorited it a chapter or two later, so I'm not coming down on him/her- I'm really not- just pointing out a few things he/she may not have noticed and saying 'don't judge the story based on 1-2 chapters'. Like all of mine, the characters grow and change over time... as the story evolves as well.

Thanks, that's all, sorry for the rant (that wasn't a rant), etc etc. Have a nice day! And until next time... bonjour!

Read, review, and **check the poll** out on my profile. It's related to this story... and while I don't do it often, it's also related to the plot. Specifically, the ship. Do I keep it strictly NaruTen as I was mostly planning? Do I bring in Shion (before NaruTen happens) do keep his Shippuden promise? Or do I do a poly 3-way (as I did in Late Blossoms, and am working on in OH) with Naruto, Tenten, and Shion all at once, as my Beta has been urging me to do?

The error with the poll not appearing has also been fixed, by the way, so if you tried before and couldn't, it works now. ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** First, apologies for missing last week... and not having the promised OH this week. I woke up thinking about the chapter I'm about half-way done with, but everything I had in my head was gone by the time I was showered and fed. :P  
I know the rough basics, but I'll have to re-think about much of it, which means it won't be done until late tonight or, since I have a long day tomorrow, Tuesday. Since that's the case, and I missed last week completely, I decided to at least give you guys this... and I'll get the OH chapter up as soon as it's back from my beta, Mouse, who always does good work... even if I ignore half his input. :)

Anyway, enough of my waffle: Enjoy!  
(And see the A/N below for more on this story...)

* * *

**Chap. 6 Hack-kneed Honesty**

Naruto could not wipe the smile off his face the next day, even at ten o'clock in the morning, when he finally got around to dragging himself out of bed and over to the Ichiraku Ramen Stand for what he called the breakfast of champions, and what anyone else would call tasty garbage.

The cheerful, graying owner, Teuchi, smiled as he walked under the curtain, "Hey, Naruto! Good to see you bright and early, today! The ramen's not quite ready, but give me about five more minutes, okay? Ayame's got a bit of a cold, so I had to open up myself."

"Oh," Naruto frowned, "That sucks... is she doing okay? Should I take her some ramen later?"

The girl's father snorted, "Nah, I think she just wanted to rest for a while. She's been putting in a lot of hours here, and she got a part-time job as a courier, too, using the basic ninja skills she got before the dropped from the academy, so she's working even harder."

"Huh," the blonde said, surprised, "So, what's new around the village? What's up with you?"

The two continued to talk while Naruto ate and Teuchi cooked for three hours, and the lunch crowd came and went.

The sound of the academy bell ringing, a few streets away, signalled the onrush of another gout of customers, mostly only up to Naruto's waist, to the shop.

Naruto watched, amused, as the old man struggled to keep up, alone, with the demand of about fifteen kids and the few adults who had been convinced to come along.

A finally-full jinchuuriki was about to head out at around one in the afternoon, when he heard his name being called boisterously. "What's up, Lee? How are ya, Neji?"

"Yosh! Naruto-kun! I am doing fantastic! I-"

"We're looking for Tenten," the much-quieter Neji replied with a scowl toward his teammate, "She has not been showing up for practice for two days, ever since your victory against the Jonin. We thought she might be at her apartment, but no one answered, even though Lee knocked loudly enough to wake a drugged man. She has not been to the hospital, either, and has filed no requests for time off."

"Huh," Naruto said, his head cocked. It was true he didn't know the kunoichi on Team Gai all _that_ well, but they'd been acquaintances for several years, now, and that just didn't sound like her. "Well... I haven't seen her. I'll keep my eyes open... I can send out some kage bunshin to look for her, if you want."

Neji shook his head, "That won't be necessary. Gai-sensei has told us not to worry, that she will doubtless turn up eventually. There were no signs of a struggle or forced entry at her apartment, so we don't suspect any wrong-doing, we just want to know what's going on."

"All right," Naruto shrugged, "If that's what you guys and Gai-sensei want. So... you guys have any good missions while I was gone?"

"Yes! Naruto-kun, my rival, we have! Let me tell you about the time-"

(O)(O)(O)

Naruto did not think anything about Tenten's mysterious absence, until he showed up to get a mission the next day. As she, like her predecessor, spent a single (rarely two) days per week in the mission request office to help her keep tabs on the ninja under the Hokage's command, Naruto proudly walked up to her desk. "So, Baa-chan! What great, amazing, awesome new mission do you have for me, now that I'm a Chunin?"

Several members of Konoha's ninja force looked up in surprise. Naruto was a Chunin? Since when? Sure, his performance the day before had been impressive, but... was it _that_ good?

"I have the perfect mission for you, Naruto," Tsuande said with a small smile, hoping he wouldn't notice it was at his expense, "It's challenging, but right up your alley- in fact, it's something only _you_ can do. I created this mission especially for you- it fits a Genin like yourself!"

"What is it?! What is it?! Is it a rescue mission? An escort of a beautiful- _hey_! I'm a Chunin!"

One of Tsunade's eyebrows quirked, "No you aren't. You're still a Genin... the last Genin of your class, actually. Konohamaru's the same rank as you... though you do have seniority, I suppose."

"What?" The blonde teens voice was flat and emotionless, but the Hokage knew full well he wasn't upset, just surprised as all get-out. "K- Konohamaru... Jiijii's brat of a grandson... is a Genin? The same rank as me? That's... that's not _fair_!"

"Oh, I think it's _perfectly_ fair, Naruto," Tsunade said, her voice firm as she rose behind the desk, "because everyone _else_ either got a field promotion or earned it in a Chunin exam. You have done neither... and so you are a Genin. Be happy I'm still giving you the chance for the field promotion, brat, or I'd make you wait for a Genin team with injuries to take the test!"

Normally, Naruto would have fought back against the Hokage's rising anger. Something she had said, though, caught his attention, "Wait, what? A field promotion? You're... so this mission is that? I do it, and I get promoted? That's _awesome_! This is gonna be _way_ easier than a Chunin Exam!"

With a sigh, Tsunade sat back down, shaking her head. Her (much) younger cousin really needed to think before he spoke, "No, you idiot... the _next_ few missions are a chance for that. _This_ mission is something you need to do to prepare for those. So here you go, a D-rank mission, just for you! Isn't it great to be back?"

With a truly wicked grin, Tsunade handed the green-wrapped scroll to Naruto, "And you'll even be able to do it alone, without your team, since you have shadow clones! Aren't I nice?"

Naruto rolled his eyes while opening the scroll, "Sure, sure, Baa-chan... nice! That's you!"

He, through pure luck, ducked his head to read the scroll just enough that the paperweight holding down a stack of unfurled scrolls sailed through his hair rather than impacting his forehead. He didn't seem to notice.  
"Um... are you _sure_ you got the right scroll, Baa-chan? I mean... I heard Tenten was sick or something, but... a whole mission, just to find her and see what's going on?"

The Godaime Hokage nodded, "Yes... that's a mission you're well suited for, with your shadow clones. I could have had Team Kurenai do it, but they're out on a C-rank border patrol, and Konohamaru's team would likely get themselves killed if they wandered into her apartment uninvited or something... which he's prone to do. So _you_ are going to take this mission, and you'll be thankful I'm giving you pay for something I could have made you do for free. You got that, brat?"

Naruto shrugged and stuffed the scroll into his pouch, "Yeah, yeah, ya old hag... don't need to be so grumpy all the time. You know that causes wrinkles, right?"

Again, Naruto's luck showed itself, though in a rather strange fashion. When he landed from the punch the Hokage had delivered for the dual insult, he was more than half-way through the village in the direction of the training ground where Team Gai usually met. That was the best place, he knew, to start tracking down the missing kunoichi of that team.

(O)(O)(O)

One hundred and thirty-three (he counted) shadow clones, and three exhausting hours later, he found the older kunoichi in the place he least expected- his own haunt on the top of the Hokage Monument. She wasn't sitting on Namikaze Minato's head, but on the newly-finished bust (not that one) of the Godaime Hokage, Senju Tsunade. "Hey, Tenten," Naruto called as he approached, not wanting to startle the girl... last time he'd done that, there had been more than a double-handful of weaponry heading his way within seconds.

She didn't look up, however. The brunette was sitting cross-legged in front of a wide, but not very long scroll, which was unrolled about four feet. She was hunched over as if reading it carefully. "Uh... Tenten?" he called again from a few feet away this time, ready to jump out of the path of any projectiles.

When she didn't respond again, the blonde cautiously crept around her, maintaining two meters or so of distance between them. _Heh, she's asleep! Oh, this is great... I'm so gonna get her back for the shirt!_

Now, it's a widely-held belief that one Uzumaki Naruto has no skill with Genjutsu. That is... mostly true. But not completely. While the heir of two powerful bloodlines (Namikaze, a descendent of the Senju, and the Uzumaki of the now-lost Village Hidden in the Whirlpool), and container of the most powerful of the Tailed Beasts did have some issues with lower-chakra jutsu- Genjutsu almost by definition- he _did_ have a rather cunning and subtle mind, and learned quickly when he was given an illusion technique that grew more powerful the more chakra you put in.

The first time he'd tried it, he put Jiraiya, who'd taught him, into essentially a medical coma for three days until he'd gotten him to a medic-ninja that could break him out. The second time was much better, and he only killed a rabbit, essentially sedating it to death. Dinner was good that night, though, so Naruto couldn't complain.

The third and fourth times, he'd put Jiraiya into a deep slumber, and then been able to wake the Sannin by himself. The only time the Sage had actually been able to break the technique on his own, due to the massive chakra involved, Naruto had all-but sleep-cast it, he'd been so tired himself after a full day's sparring session against not just the older ninja, but about three hundred clones... all against him.

With a the foxy smile Naruto was known for when he was getting up to no good in his youth, the teenaged boy went through the necessary hand-signs slowly, carefully. _Can't mess this up, or it'll ruin the prank..._

"Genjutsu: Sleep of the Dead," he whispered. If Tenten had been faking, it wouldn't due for her to lash out when she heard the technique's name or beginning. Almost immediately, however, the tiny portion of his chakra he'd used- the smallest he'd ever actually done with it- washed over Tenten, and she slumped further still. Slowly, almost like a rotten tree cracking in a stiff breeze, she fell to the side and slumped to the stone, already snoring deeply. "Heh, heh! Perfect! Now... I've got to get her back for the peeing thing, too... so what can I do? I don't have any laxatives..."

The blonde began to pull three small scrolls, no wider than his longest fingers, from his supply pouch. They had been down at the bottom, and were the secret to his success as a prankster... at least, he hoped they were. In his youth, he'd had to carry around huge piles of things for every big trick he pulled.

Now? He carried around half his entire stock- which, laid out, filled his living room floor from wall to wall- on these three, finger-sized scrolls, each covered in tiny, painstakingly drawn seals. "Hm... I can make her vomit for three hours. I can turn her clothes inside-out. Nah, that's too tame... I do have that marker... that'd be good payback, although I'd have to up the ante. Calling me stupid and saying there's space for rent in my head... Ooh! I got it! Heh, heh, this'll be great!"

Five minutes later, Naruto looked over his handiwork. True, he'd ruined the girl's clothing, but it was good payback for what she'd done to him- both tricks. And, of course, it followed the creed of 'escalating effect'. If someone pranked you, you got them back... and then some. It created a vicious, but often highly entertaining, cycle. One Naruto was very fond of, himself.

Tenten's clothing was not damaged, ripped, torn, or scuffed... but it was discolored. It was now bright orange, the same color his old jumpsuit had been, both top and bottom. In fact, due to the seals on the outfit, it _very_ strongly resembled said jumpsuit. There was a white turtle-neck, it had the Uzu spiral on the back... the only difference was that the blue he'd worn back then was now black, and it was sized for himself. It fit rather baggily on Tenten aside from across the chest, but Naruto could live with that. _Heh... it looks like she raided my closet! Now, the finishing touches..._

The smirk of victory stretching his face almost painfully, Naruto crouched low over the girl, made sure the seal which maintained the illusion was unbreakable without actually changing the seal itself- which was hidden by the same illusion to every eye but his own, or possibly Jiraiya's... and he wouldn't put it past Kurenai-sensei to be able to see through it anyway- and would not fade with the passing of time. Furthermore, Tenten would not see the alterations at all. Instead, she would only see what she expected to see, her own outfit. At least, for a couple of hours. That seal would fade quickly. Finally, he withdrew the marker he'd applied the seals with, a permanent one, of course, and went to work. First on the girl's back, which was curled away from him in her semi-fetal position, and wrote a few lines.  
Then, gently, he stretched out Tenten's legs and body so that she would roll onto her back, which she did, with one arm draped over her stomach, head lolling to the side, and still snoring gently. "Nice! Okay... a few more lines... Sorry, Tenten, I'm not trying to grope you! Much..."

That did not, of course, stop the young man from enjoying the feel of her breasts under his hands while he wrote across the top of the shirt with the marker. He had to hold her steady, after all, because she was soft, and she jiggled. It also did not escape his notice that, today at least, Tenten had neither bound her breasts or worn a bra. _Mm... more memories for later! Heh..._

"All right!" he declared happily, standing up now and stowing his gear away, "Now, I gotta get her sitting back up... and walk away, then release it! The perfect prank!"

Wisely, Naruto double-checked his gear, because he'd left the cap for the marker sitting a little bit away, and would have missed it otherwise... and that might have told Tenten he'd done something. He was about twenty feet away when he released the jutsu. The girl didn't wake up immediately, though she stopped snoring. "Hey, Tenten!" he shouted, loud enough to wake... well, himself.

The girl stirred, and started listing to the opposite side she'd fallen to before, "Tenten, wake up!"

"Whuzair?" he murmured, but continued to drift slowly to the left.

"Damn it, Tenten, we're under attack!"

It was a bit cruel, perhaps, but any ninja knew that would get any other ninja up in a moment. And so it did. The girl jumped to her feet, tripped over her own scroll, and went sprawling backward.

Naruto started to laugh as he walked toward her, and only quieted when he saw her glare of anger. "Sorry," he said as innocently as he could, "I've been trying to wake you up for ten minutes- Gai sent Neji and Lee after you, and they asked for my help since I wasn't busy. Took me about three hours to find you, too."  
She only reluctantly took his proffered hand to help her back up, and immediately tried shoving him down once she was upright. He, however, was the more experienced prankster and was ready enough for it that he barely budged. "Fine," she growled, "I'll go find them... why'd you have to yell _that_? My heart's racing, and it's perfectly quiet."

Again lying through his teeth, Naruto replied, "Well, like I said, you were dead asleep. I've been calling you for ten minutes. No way in hell was I gonna get close enough to poke you- I like my limbs attached, thanks. And throwing a rock at your back or something? You'd _still_ kill me."

The attempt at flattery had at least most of the desired effect, because Tenten calmed down and started rolling up the large scroll she'd taken to carrying on her back. Once it was done, she slipped it back into the oversized holster and started heading for the path back into town.

"Ne, Tenten, what've you been doing for the last three days? Lee and Neji have been worried."

With a look that clearly said she didn't want to talk about it, she only replied, "Training."

"Training? I like training. What training were you doing? Training is good!"

Okay, so it was not Naruto's most sauve moment, but in his defense, he really did enjoy it.

"Ugh... it's a _secret_, Naruto... I'm working on a new jutsu. Something we came up with when we were talking out our test against the Jonin."

"Oh," he said, clapping a closed fist onto his open hand, "That equip-exchange thing? That was pretty cool. You're already pretty badass, but being able to switch your clothes, armor, and weapons like that mid-battle would make you even more awesome!"

Tenten blushed and watched her feet, ostensibly to navigate the path safely, "It's not that impressive..."

"Don't sell yourself short!" he said confidently from beside her, hands clasped behind his head as he stared at the late afternoon sky, "You were the one that took down Gai-sensei, and he's one of the strongest Jonin in the Village!"

"_You_," she replied quietly, "took down Kakashi-sensei... and he's just as strong. You aren't even as experienced. And I had to rely on trickery to do it, I didn't win fair and square."

Naruto's eyes rolled, "You don't call hiding a shadow clone as his book, so he'd hold it close and be totally vulnerable to the explosion, 'trickery'? 'Cause I do. That's what being a ninja is all about, right?"

"No," she shook her head, "You don't understand... you're _expected_ to resort to tricks to win. You were regarded as the dead-last in your year, and everyone thought you were a fool. You're pretty good now, but people still expect you to be the unpredictable guy you were before. But me? I'm a no-nonsense fighter. I get in, kill my targets, and get out with the minimum of fuss and to-do. In my team, I am the long-range fighter, because the other two are terrible at it. I'm... not supposed to work like that."

"I see," he said solemnly, "so you think you stooped too low, huh? That dressing up like that is beneath you?"  
"How did- No! That's not it!"

But Naruto was not fooled by the sudden change in response. He stopped walking and put a hand on her shoulder to stop he as well, then looked straight into her deep, brown eyes with his larger hands on her both her shoulders, "Tenten, you did not stoop too low. Your teammate and sensei might be a little weird, but I respect them more than almost any other ninja in this Village. In _any_ Village. You should be honored to have worn their outfit, if only for a few days... besides, it looked good on you."

Her cheeks pinked again, but she only pushed his hands off her shoulders and kept walking, "Says _you_... you probably just wanted to see me naked again, pervert!"

"Heh, heh!" he laughed, easily falling into step beside her again. It helped that, even though she was the tallest kunoichi in their age group, he was now an inch taller still and had longer legs, "Well, you caught me... I'm just a pervert, that's my sole motivation for everything I do!"

Her elbow met his gut at high velocity, but he didn't wince too much. The muscle there was firm enough to minimize damage, "That wasn't nice... I was just saying you were right!"

She glared out of the corner of her yee. He hadn't known that was possible. "Admitting you're a pervert is not a good thing, Naruto... it's stupid. It'll get you hurt one of these days. What would Sakura do if you said that to her?"

"Meh, she'd hit me... but I'd survive. I've had worse beatings. From her, even."

"That's something I don't get. Why do you let her do that, anyway? I mean, I like Sakura, but... she's so violent. And you really don't deserve it... most of the time."

Naruto shrugged, "Well... I'm not sure how much of this she remembers. When we were little, like three or four, she was the first kid to ever play with me willingly. She didn't have any friends in school, this was before Ino took her under her wing, so... she played with me, and we were friends. It didn't last long, 'cause that made the girls who teased Sakura even worse, but... for three days, she made me feel human."

Tenten was silent for a long time. What did you say to something like that? "For what it's worth, Naruto, you've proved you were _more_ than human to most of us a long time ago. Back during the Chunin Exams for most of us... me, too."

He shrugged, "I know. I'm over it, believe me, but that always stuck with me. She's a really kind person, but she's just... demanding, I guess. She holds me, all of us, to pretty high standards, and gets sad or upset when we can't live up."

Eyebrows raised, Tenten said, "That's pretty perceptive, Naruto... I've never looked at it that way. So she hits you because she wants you to stop acting like that... but it's so you can become a better person? At least in her eyes?"

Shrugging, Naruto replied, "I guess... I never really thought about it that much. But that's what I think. Anyway... you over the shame thing? 'Cause a ninja shouldn't have any anyway, Ero-sennin says. 'A ninja must be willing to stoop to any depths to accomplish their mission'. But then again, he always warned against doing things like that for personal reasons, too, or you turn into someone like Orochi-teme."

Tenten had to wonder if Naruto was always this scattered-brained. They kept leaping back and forth between serious topics and her own embarrassment for having to wear that travesty of an outfit. "I guess... It _was_ a good plan, and it did work. There's no way we would have beaten Gai-sensei with five gates otherwise, so I can't complain at least."

"Right," Naruto said, "So... yeah, go find your team," they were now approaching the bottom of the trail, and he needed to be long gone before someone spotted her shirt and laughed, "I gotta go do some shopping before I head home... it's gonna be late as it is." In actuality, of course, he was planning on spending the night camping out, far, far away from his apartment... or Tenten's.

Retribution in a prank war was great. Retribution from hot-headed kunoichi who don't know they're part of a prank war (even though he'd told her flat-out, she seemed to forget it easily) tended to be lethal.

"All right, Naruto... see you when I see you."

(O)(O)(O)

Two hours later, after a meeting where she'd been forced to apologize several times for her unexplained absence over the last few days, during which Lee had been unable to look at her without blushing and in which Neji and Gai had both sniggered several times, Tenten stormed into her apartment and slammed the door. "Three days of not seeing me, and all they can do is _laugh_ at me? Assholes!"

Throwing a pot of water on for tea, she stormed around her small apartment for a few minutes, preparing for a quiet (she hoped) evening. And then she stepped into the bathroom to start drawing a long, hot bath... and froze in horror.

That boy was _so_ dead...

This was a thousand times worse than a green, body-hugging jumpsuit.

This was a _hundred_ thousand times worse.

_Orange_?! There was no doubt in her mind who had done... this infamous, low-down... Tenten screamed in righteous fury and indignation. She did not know words enough to think in her own head how bad this was.

Because she was wearing one of Naruto's jumpsuits... like she'd slept over at his house, or something! Like some common _tramp_!

But when the shirt came off, she froze in further shock. Not only was she wearing... _those_, but he had written on them!  
"Property of Uzumaki Naruto" was simple enough... even if the writing was not normally _three inches high_, and on the _outside_! Oh, she'd torture him slowly for this before ending his suffering!

But the front, when she checked it, was worse... far worse. Where he would have _had_ to touch her chest to write, was the phrase, "I sold out my dignity and all I got was this lousy T-shirt".

No... death and torture were not good enough for Uzumaki Naruto. Not after what he'd said before... As the shame came rushing back full-force, and magnified a few times over, she screamed hard enough to make the windows shake, "Narutoooo! I'm going to torture you for days, before I cut off your balls and feed them to you through your nose!"

It may not have made much sense... but Tenten was, at that moment, a bit beyond what one could call 'rational'.

_Oh, yes,_ she thought as she stripped the thankfully un-markered (yet strangely flattering, if she ignored the jacket she'd been wearing) pants and stepped into her shower, fully intent now not on a relaxing bath, but scrubbing away every inch of her skin, before beginning to plan her vengeance. _Oh, oh, yes... it's _so_ on, Naruto... you are the deadest ninja in Konoha, you just don't know it, yet..._

(O)(O)(O)

While Tenten planned her revenge the next day, Naruto was summoned once again to the Hokage's office, to both report on his successful D-rank, and to get another mission- this time an A-rank. "Wait, wait... okay, I know I'm awesome," he said, shaking his head in wonder, "But an A-rank, and I have to do it _alone_? What's the catch?"

Tsunade dropped the cheerful smile she'd pasted on when he walked into her office five minutes ago and steepled her fingers. "Read it... and you'll understand. Of course, opening the scroll means you're accepting the mission... but trust me, this is another one I created myself, just for you. You are the _only one_ in this entire Village besides me that could do it. Even Jiraiya can't accomplish this mission."

Naruto's eyes widened, "He- he can't? But I'm not as strong as him! Not yet, anyway."

Behind her steepled hands, Tsunade nodded, using her fingers to hide the faint smile she now sported, "That's right... on all points. Nonetheless, you and I are the only ones that could possibly do this mission, and I feel it's best if you do... for experience, of course. So open that damned scroll, Naruto, and read it... I'll order you if I have to."

"Yeah, yeah... geez! Didn't I say just yesterday being grumpy causes wrinkles?"

This time, her glare was sufficient to get him to open the scroll... of course, he'd been willing to do it anyway, but the gambler would take what she could get.  
"Wait... it says here it's two parts. I have to gather all my friends... and... oh... oh, no... no, no, no, _no_, _NO_! No way! I'm not gonna! You can't make me!"

Knowing full well she _could_ make him, if she wanted to lose her office and all the records in it, Tsunade elected for the calmer tactic, instead. "Naruto... don't you trust your friends?"

His growing rant fell silent... or mostly so. It was reduced to weak grumbling, at least, "But I don't wanna... they'll all..."

The older ninja shook her head, glad she'd sent the ANBU out of the office. She _could_ reveal the secret, if it came up in the discussion and they didn't all know, somehow, but knowing they were there when her cousin-slash-son-or-grandson-or-whatever was about to have a nervous breakdown was the kindest thing she'd done all week, and that included saving a few lives. "They won't. I can promise you that," she said softly.

"But all of them, every single one, lost family to that... that..."

She nodded at his half-whispered words, "Yeah... and every one of them is also your friend, and knows the difference between the kunai and the scroll. Furthermore... do you_ really_ think Sakura and Shikamaru, as smart as they are, haven't figured it out already? Do you think Kiba doesn't know about animalistic birthmarks? Do you think Hinata and Neji, who from the records I have saw your use of the Fox's chakra during the Chunin Exams against Neji himself, are too stupid to put two and two together?"

"Well, no," he shook his head, "but-"

"That's almost half your friends already, Naruto. They haven't abandoned you, have they? And what about Iruka? He already knows... the gossip in the Academy would have told him that, even with the old fart's law. Do you think Teuchi and Ayame didn't figure it out, the way you were treated as a kid? And would Konohamaru _really_ turn his back on you? Or would he just jump up and down like he was six again, and say that was the coolest thing ever, and you were destined to be the best Hokage ever... up until he smacked you down and took your place?"

Naruto chuckled, "Yeah... he so would..."

Then Tsunade smiled again and relaxed back into her chair, "So, since you aren't reading, I'll give you the short version. You have three days... and that's it. I've already arranged for everyone to be free on the final day, but you have the choice of telling every person on that list, either individually, in groups, or all at once... it's your choice, but I'll know if you skip even one. And yes, before you ask, this _is_ part of the mission lineup I have selected for your Chunin promotion- a ninja has to be able to face their greatest fear and come through it alive and ready to continue on. Can you do that, Naruto? Or are you going to chicken out, like a... _scaredy-cat_?"

The teenager didn't know how she'd done it, but Tsunade had mimicked Sasuke's voice, his thirteen-year-old voice, from the mission to Wave, perfectly when she'd said that. "Hell, no! There's no way I'd chicken out! It's just..."

Reluctantly, the Hokage stood and walked around her desk, pulling Naruto into a hug. It was gentle, and if she was a bit taller might have suffocated him in her cleavage for fun, but he was now tall enough he'd have to bend over for that to work. It wasn't fair, how fast they grew up! "Naruto... I believe in you. Look what you did for me. For the Kazekage. For almost everyone you meet. You can do this one for yourself, right?"

The younger blonde frowned at the reminder that a boy a bit younger than himself (and proven weaker, though Naruto would be terrified to fight him again) had been named Kage already, but nodded against Tsunade's neck, "Yeah, yeah, Baa-chan... I accept. I'll do it... but I don't like it."

Tsunade shrugged and pulled away just enough to look into her relative's eyes, "I didn't think you would... but I think, for the last mission you have to do, they need to know before _they_ accept, just in case. And sometimes we have to do hard things, things we hate. What would you do if you had to send ninja on a mission you knew was going to kill all of them, no matter how many you sent? Sometimes, a Kage has to do that. That's why you have to face your greatest fear _now_, so when it comes down to the wire, you won't break and make things worse by not being able to do what you have to do. Understand?"

He nodded, "Yeah... I gotcha. Three days... that's Saturday, right?"

"Yep... now, get out of my office, brat. I've got work to do... and every moment you delay that, I'm taking out of your pay."

But as the blondes separated, both were a little misty-eyed, both remembering (or imagining) what it might be like to have family.

That was why Naruto, in a fit of compassion beyond even his usual self, crossed four fingers in a T and created three shadow clones. "Set 'em to work, Baa-chan... I don't care if you have them sorting files or stamping stuff, even. Just take a load off, today. You might hafta be specific on instructions, though, they aren't as smart as me."

As the door closed beyond the real Naruto, the clones witnessed the Hokage chuckle, "No... they're as smart as you, Naruto, you just don't know it yet. All right... you on the left-"  
"Our left, or your left, old hag?"

The middle clone disappeared before it hit the door, but the paperweight still put another crater in it. In the stairway to the ground floor, Naruto winced and complained about a sudden headache.

"_My_ left," she clarified, pointing at the three-foot pile of papers on the left side of her desk, "into three piles based on importance. It's easy- just read the top three lines. If it has to do with ninja, or is a mission request, it's top priority. If it's a civilian matter that seems important, it's middle priority. If it looks like crap, toss it in the bin. Well... maybe you'd better let me check... nah. If it's important, the paper will come through again."

That clone, already complaining about the workload, got to work. "And you, you're gonna do the same thing with these over here. Except they either get my stamp of approval if it seems like a good idea- road improvements, housing development, things like that- or a stamp of denial if it's a terrible idea. Use your judgment, and don't forget to ask if you need help- that goes for both of you."

As the clones got to work, Tsunade took a page out of Naruto's book, though she didn't have the mastery to summon them the way he did, and created a single shadow clone. "All right," the original ordered, "You can relax all you want while these two do the work, but you gotta answer them if they have questions... and don't be a bitch about it."

The shadow clone glared at her original, but didn't dare refuse a direct order- she wasn't the one who could regenerate from endless strikes.

"And I'm gonna take a nap. Cover me if Shizune comes in, of course."

(O)(O)(O)

The first of Naruto's alloted 'three days' to perform his new 'mission' went by mostly in a stressed-out blur for the ninja. He rose, crusty-eyed, after tossing and turning all night. He got breakfast, cereal he hardly even tasted, then went out to training ground twelve, the one he favored when training alone for it's tough, varied terrain and wide open field.

There, he worked out until he was sweaty for a warm-up, then sparred against his shadow clones using the Frog style, cleaned up some of his forms with kata for another three hours, and then settled down to work on seal-practice.  
That's where things had gone bad. The physical exercise he'd spent most of the day doing was the distraction he'd wanted... but the seals were not. Instead, it almost seemed as if his seal practice was distracting him from his _real_ training... completing the A-rank mission Tsunade had assigned him.  
"Damn it, this is no good," he groused, rolling up his scrolls and putting his brushes back into their case, "I need to actually _relax_ if I'm gonna be able to do this... and think about how I'm gonna do it at all."

So Naruto did what most citizens of Konoha would do when they needed to have a relaxing evening, but didn't want to travel or spend a lot. They went to the public baths bordering the red-light district (the only ones Naruto could afford to go to on his Genin's salary).

Of course, about five minutes after he slipped into the steaming water on the men's side of the fence, his slowly-growing calm was shattered by three, no, four feminine voices that were all-too familiar.

"So," Sakura's voice was the clearest through the steam which filled the entire bath-house, "what are we going to talk about?"

Ino's chuckle was a given, though her answer made Naruto blush and sink further into the water, thankful that it was late and there was no other man in the bath, "Boys, of course!"

"A- Ano, I- I d-d-d-on't th-think w-w-we sh-should..."

_Aww, crap,_ Naruto mused, _Hinata too? This sucks..._

"Don't be like that, Hinata!" Tenten's voice both surprised Naruto, and made him tremble slightly in fear. For some reason, any thought of peeking over the wall that night just didn't seem to get more than half-formed before memories of that horrid screeching that had echoed through the whole town filled his mind. "Anyone in particular caught your eye lately, Ino?"

There was a quiet series of splashes as the girls moved into the bath and across it to lean back against the stones on the far side, coincidentally quite near Naruto, who didn't dare move.

"Well, I have to admit... no. Sasuke-kun being gone is bad enough, but Shika's lazier than ever. Choji's gained some weight, and it's mostly muscle now like his dad, but... eww, no. Have you seen him _eat_? No one else has caught my eye lately. Except _your_ favorite, Sakura... so spill!"

"Wh- What do you mean?"

Tenten answered for the blonde, "You know _exactly_ what she meant! How's your other team-mate? The one who didn't turn traitor and run out on us? He's a lot taller than he used to be..."

"A- Ano..." Hinata mumbled, but the others ignored her.

Naruto himself had to fight the urge to sink into the water or flee. Unfortunately, either would be fatal, so he had to sit quietly and listen... or pretend he wasn't, anyway.

"Eh, he's all right," the medic answered, after sending a spray of water in Ino's direction which made her yelp in pain and suprrise, "but he's still got nothing on Sasuke-kun."

"A- Ano..."

Tenten spoke over Hinata this time, "Don't kid yourself, Sakura... I know he's a huge dork, but Naruto got _hot_ over the last couple years! Hell, if I could stand him, even I'd think about dating him. You too, right Ino?"

"I guess," the other blonde replied a little unsurely, "He is a hunk now, I suppose, but there's still the way _he_ eats! I mean... do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to keep my figure like this?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, confident they wouldn't hear that, at least. Everyone knew that ninja's weight was controlled more by chakra and burn than by dieting.  
"Still," Sakura said, glad for the change of subject, "I have to say I'm jealous... I'll probably _never _fill out as much as you three have. I mean, jeez, Hinata! Why are you holding them down like that, anyway?"

There was a quiet 'meep', and Naruto perked up slightly. _Floating? How big do they have to be for that? I mean, Baa-chan's probably do, but... eww, purge, purge! I mean... yeah... No, I can't peek. That wouldn't... wouldn't be right. And I'm not a pervert. Not like Ero-sennin. _

That debated lasted three seconds, total, then he was moving as only a ninja could to rise from the water, silently pushing himself out with chakra so as not to splash, and then up the rocks. He couldn't use chakra to cling to the wooden wall. That was not sturdy enough to hold him, and was likely warded against it by seals more complex than he was able to break without his kit.

But the rocks were just rocks, and while sheer, were climbable... if one was willing to take risks.

"Anyway," Tenten grumbled, "tell us your secret, Hinata! I mean, I'm still a foot taller and nearly a year older, and you still have at least two sizes on me! I barely fill out a b-cup completely, and you're at _least_ looking at D's!"

"Yeah, spill," Ino added, "I'm a solid C, but I could use some improvement, too."

Sakura, though even more interested than the other two, more full-figured kunoichi, didn't bother expressing her want or need with mere words. Instead, she turned puppy-dog eyes on the lavender-eyed kunoichi.

It would have worked, too, if Hinata's eyes had been focused anywhere near her friends. Instead, the nearly-invisible pupils were slowly tracking (even without her Byakugan fully active) the heat-signature, just barely cooler than the surrounding water, moving up the rock face on the other side of the thin fence.

As a result, the indigo-haired teen didn't quite realize she was answering until it was too late, "A- Ano... I eat m-more Ichiraku R-r-ramen than N-Naruto-kun..."

Just as Naruto's head cleared the fence, Hinata began to speak.

The steam began to clear, just enough to make out more than their hair colors and positions, half-way through the sentence.

When she finished, Naruto was gifted with a sublime sight for any straight male: Four very beautiful, well-shaped (and in four very different shapes) teenaged girls, topless and in steaming water that only _just_ covered every nipple.

And then Hinata's words hit Naruto, and he gasped in surprise.

Three pairs of female eyes instantly traced Hinata's gaze by following the sound.

Fortunately for the blonde boy, he had the mind of an expert prankster. _Henge no jutsu!_

By the time three pairs of the four eyes watching him landed, he was much taller, broader, older, and had white hair that stretched past his waist.

"Ero-sennin!" both Sakura and Tenten cried, debating whether to sink further into the water or destroy the male who _dared...!_

"N-N-"

That was, fortunately for the boy, as far as Hinata got before she passed out. Fortunate for two distinct, though related, reasons. One, she did not reveal his actual identity.

Two... her passing out and sinking under the water drew the other girl's attention, giving him a chance to escape.

And as any good tactician can tell you, a strategic withdrawl is _not_ a retreat... it's living to fight again another day.

(O)(O)(O)

That night, four kunoichi fumed. They weren't the ones you might be expecting, however. Ino, Sakura, and Tenten certainly were... Hinata was not. Kurenai, her sensei, was _livid_ on the shy girl's behalf, but Hinata hadn't woken up yet, so she could not be that upset.

(O)(O)(O)

At two in the morning, Naruto had given up on getting to sleep. It wasn't that he wasn't tired. Of _course_ he was, after a full day's training, the stress (and fun) of the 'onsen incident', and not much sleep the night before.

It was just... he was thinking.

A lot.

It wasn't that unusual, of course, no ninja (no matter how 'dumb' they and others thought they might be) survived their first year by being truly stupid. No, it was _what_ he was thinking about that was doing it. Like the previous night, much of his brain was devoted to figuring out a way to tell his friends about his 'secret guest' without making them hate him.  
That would be bad enough.

There was, however, one more thing...

_Sakura-chan._

_Hinata-chan._

_Ino-chan._

_Tenten-ch- Tenten._

Okay, four things, but who's counting?

_Sakura-chan sure is pretty... but she seems really set on Sasuke-teme. I guess I can't blame her, he 'is' the kind of guy girls like, I guess. But still... should I just give up?  
I don't think she'll ever accept a date with me. _

_Ino's _gorgeous_, but she'd kill me if I ever told her, and no matter what she said, there's no way she'd actually go out with me, either. And it's not like I want to... I know the bimbo thing's mostly just her personality, but damn, girl... use your head once in a while!_

_And Hinata..._ wow_. I never thought I'd live to see it, but she's _stacked_. It's just... this is Hinata. Sweet, quiet Hinata. She makes me feel better... but I couldn't be with someone who can't stand up for themselves, and she lets everyone push her around so much. It'd drive me crazy, having to stick up for her all the time. So... is that what people mean when they talk about the 'friendzone'? Is Hinata in my 'friendzone'? I like her, sure I do- I even like Ino a bit. But I wouldn't date her, would I? I don't think so._

_So is Hinata 'friendzoned'? _

_... I think she is. At least, until she gets a backbone somehow. I know she can stand up for herself when she has to- that jutsu she saved me and Kiba and Shino with on the Bikochū hunt was amazing and proved that- but... I just couldn't do it._

_Hell, I'd date Tenten first, and she's _scary_. Even scarier than Sakura! Nice, though... if you don't piss her off. Speaking of which, I need to be on guard, because she's gonna get me back hard-core after that last one. Heh, heh..._

Naruto didn't even know he fell asleep, though he was glad for it when his alarm went off at ten in the morning.

* * *

**A/N2: ** Yes. That's how Naruto feels. There will be no NaruHina action in this story at all... at least, not from his side. Yes, that will upset Hinata quite a bit, but she's a big girl, and stronger than she knows- she'll get over it. Also, Naruto is not the person she thinks he is. Mind, she's MOSTLY right... but she has constructed (at least in TROLL) a bit of a mile-high pedestal for the blonde kid, and well... he's not that guy. Not exactly, at any rate.  
As well, him revealing things- even at the urging/orders of Tsunade- to his friends WILL have some major effects down the line. Some are predictable, some I know have been done before (but how I feel they would honestly react to the news), and as covered in-chapter... a lot of them already knew. Still, that's only part of the story, as you'll find out in chapters down the line a ways. :)

Till next time- Read and Review!


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I know, I know... you can hate me if you want. I don't mind (really). I said OH, and hopefully last week... but with work as it is (even though I'm back down to just one job... newspaper cut back, so no more correspondent work for me /sad), I just don't have the time and/or energy to write as much. In addition, OH's next chapter is very battle-heavy, and I aim to make it better than any other battle scene I've ever written. More detailed, longer, more dying and killing and stuffs... and, well, _better_. And that takes some work and effort, since I'm trying hard to improve my writing of action/battles, not just make one scene good.

Also, this is the last buffer of TROLL. OH 'has' to come next, unless I start posting other stories... which I don't want to unless I have to. Hate leaving a big pile of 'unfinished' for you guys to read, you know? That's why I try not to post but one or two stories until they're complete. :)  
On the other side of that, I do have a 'new' Evangenlion (working title: Eva in 3D-I) fic half-way through the first arc (which is 'strictly' gonna be a harem, but not in the usual fandom way), and am now half-way through an also-harem Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya fic... where, despite it being from Kyon's PoV (tradition!), is going to be a Haruhi-Harem.  
So I 'have' been writing... but I've been working on those on my off hours at work, usually, during lunch and stuff.

Anyway... enough babble. Read and enjoy, and pray I get OH updated soon! lol

* * *

**Chap. 7 The Truth Hurts**

Senju Tsunade scowled at the reports on her desk. Three- no, four of them, each written by four of her most trusted kunoichi. Ino, Sakura, Tenten, and... Kurenai? Why had the older woman been there? Was she teaching them more advanced genjutsu or seduction techniques on the sly? Tsunade wouldn't put it past the Jonin... but she also wouldn't have turned down a request to train them. So what was going on?

The fact that three of the four reports mentioned a 'tall, broad-shouldered male with long, white hair past his waist' (in those exact words in two instances), and that the fourth had said 'a big hunk' without going into too much description, told Tsunade all she needed to know.

"Shizune!"

Ten seconds later, her assistant poked her head into the room, already prepared to run if she had to- the tone of her Master's call was not a pleasant one. "Get me Jiraiya... but take your time. You know where he'll most likely be."

"At once, Lady Tsunade!"

As the younger kunoichi fled from the office, she was left to wonder what emergency would actually get Tsunade to ask for her old team-mate's help.

The blonde Hokage had an entirely different idea, however. "ANBU."

Both of the ones who were in her office at that moment faded into view. She looked between them for a moment, then gestured at the one on the right, "Sparrow, you will find Councillors Homura and Mitokado, and bring them to me. At once, do you understand? I don't care if they're sleeping, or even in the bath. I need a new law drafted _now_."

"At once, Lady Hokage," the thin man nodded, vanishing with a swirl of brown, fall-dry leaves.  
"You can relax, Cat... but keep your sword loose. We might need it if I'm right about Jiraiya... you're to restrain, not kill. I have a more... permanent punishment in mind for him."

The purple-haired woman nodded behind her mask, and stepped back into the shadows to meld with the very wall.

(O)(O)(O)

Naruto stepped out of the shower and yawned while wrapping his large, white towel around himself. "Gonna be today," he murmured, "Can't take any chances..."  
Staring at himself in the mirror, Naruto noted his eyes. They were more dull than usual, and not just from lack of sleep. "Even if Baa-chan gave me an extra day and gave everyone no missions on purpose... you never know. I should do it now, just in case. So... Shadow- wait. No. Get dressed first... don't need twenty shadow clones in towels running around the Village. Heh, heh..."

Five minutes later, a line of twelve clones left through his front door to scatter around the village, while the other nine he'd created filed through his bedroom window.  
"Okay, breakfast!" he said excitedly, trying to psych himself up.

It didn't work, of course, so he made it only a half-bowl. Ichiraku would do the trick, if he saved space in his stomach... it always did.

... or not. "Closed for maintenance- Sorry Naruto." The blonde boy read the sign again, and a fourth time, with tears growing in his eyes. "It's not fair..."  
"What's not fair, Naruto-kun?"

The blonde turned to the tall, black-haired kunoichi, "Oh, Kurenai-sensei! Hi! Uh, Ichiraku is closed today, that's all... not a big deal. I just wanted it for breakfast."

"And lunch and dinner, and a couple of snacks in between, no doubt," the woman said with a faint smile, which quickly faded.

"Hah hah... yeah, you're probably right."

"Listen, Naruto... have you seen your sensei around? Either of them?"

"Ero-Sennin and Kakashi-sensei? I haven't... not today, anyway. Why?"

Kurenai's scowl deepened, "No reason... I just have a bone to pick with both of them. If you see them, let me know, okay? I'd appreciate it."  
"No problem," he said with a shrug, "I've already got a bunch of shadow clones out looking for my friends, so..."

Another dozen clones appeared with orders to go tell the rest to add the two white-haired ninja to the list.

"Thanks, Naruto... I appreciate that. You weren't, um... nevermind. Well, since Ichiraku is closed, what say I treat you to some anko dumplings instead, as thanks for helping me out?"

They weren't the boy's favorite, but who could say no to things like that? Well... Sasuke could, but he didn't like _anything_ sweet that Naruto could remember. "Thanks, Kurenai-sensei! You're awesome!"

(O)(O)(O)

****"Oh, hi, Hinata... are you doing all right, after last night?"

The quiet girl blushed at the memory her sensei had brought up, but nodded, "I'm f-fine, Kurenai-sen- N-N-Naruto-kun! Wh-Wh-What are y-you d-d-doing h-here?!"

With eyes wide in shock and terror, Naruto could still feel his cheeks heating in a blush. "Um... I- I was just eating l-lunch with Kurenai-sensei?"

"O- Oh..."

The Jonin looked back and forth between the two blushing teens, and thought, _Oh, how cute! It seems he's finally noticed Hinata! Look at him blush, it's almost as bad as she is!_

Of course, if she had known the _real_ reason both teens were blushing... she would have been equally red, and probably from sheer anger.

Naruto could not clear the image of Hinata 'floating' in the Onsen from his mind, and with her standing here, right in front of him...

She, on the other hand, couldn't erase the thought that her long-time crush, Naruto himself, had seen her n-n-n-naked! And now, he was right there, with wide eyes, and probably imagining her naked _again_! It was... it... it...was...  
_Thud_.

"Is... is she gonna be alright?" Naruto asked a few seconds later. Kurenai nodded, "Yes... she doesn't faint nearly as much anymore, but _something_ set her off. She'll be fine... and I'll pass on your message. One o'clock, right? At the Shushya barbeque place, right?"

"Y- Yeah. Thanks, Kurenai-sensei! And thanks again for breakfast!"

"It's no problem, Naruto-kun," she said, but by the time Kurenai looked up from making sure Hinata wouldn't fall off her chair, the blonde was gone.

"That was weird. He doesn't usually take off like that... I wonder what had him spooked? It couldn't be just Hinata..."

A few minutes later, the dark-haired girl woke again. "So, Hinata," her sensei prompted, "Now that your 'distraction' is gone," Hinata gave a little meep and colored again, but didn't faint, "Tell me again _exactly_ what happened last night..."

For a long time, Hinata was silent while she mulled the situation over. She could tell Kurenai the truth... and Naruto would be punished _most_ severely. Not just by Kurenai on her behalf (even though Hinata had most certainly not minded), but by her father, by Neji, but Sakura, by Tenten, and Ino, too... and probably Hokage-sama.

On the other hand, she could let what the others assumed was true to be the story...and Jiraiya would take the blame. The girls and her father would have to leave him alone, all together they wouldn't be able to threaten him. But then, it also _hadn't_ actually been the Sannin's indiscretion... and then she would have to lie to Kurenai-sensei.  
Could she do that, to protect Naruto-kun?

_Should_ she?

"It- it's j-just as I s-said, Kurenai-sensei... there was a tall, w-white-haired m-man... I don't know if it was J-Jiriaya-s-sama, b-but... m-m-maybe s-s-omeone e-else?"

Kurenai's red eyes narrowed, "Maybe... and maybe not. That's alright, Hinata... he didn't do anything else, did he? Once the others spotted him, he ran? He didn't... try anything?"

"N- No!" Hinata cried out, "He... he ran right away. And we were all under the water... at least, we were until I passed out..."

Kurenai's lips stretched into a wide, kind smile, "Don't feel bad about that one, Hinata... lots of people would pass out with that- I mean, with a pervert staring at them in the hot springs. At least your friends were there to keep you from drowning, right?"

"Y- Yes..."

"Good, now... Naruto has asked me to relay a message. He, and the Hokage apparently, want you and all of your friends to meet Naruto at the Shushya shop at one o'clock for lunch, okay? There's something going on. I'm not sure what, but... it's pretty important, from the look of things. Naruto was really nervous even telling me to ask you to be there, and high-tailed it out of here as soon as he did."

"O- Oh... and e-e-everyone w-will be there? N-Not j-just Naruto-kun?"

Kurenai shook her head, "Sorry, I don't think this is a date... not yet, anyway."

"Oh... oh well... m-m-maybe n-next t-t-t-time..."

The Jonin didn't have the heart to tell her that Naruto wouldn't allow a next time if she couldn't actually ask him first.

(O)(O)(O)

"All right, Naruto," Ino grumbled, "We're all here, and we've all eaten, and I have to get back to the shop... so tell us why Lady Tsunade made us all eat here today."

Naruto gulped, but using two hands on the edge of the largest, round table at the barbeque restaurant, pushed himself to his feet.

At once, all eyes were on him.

Neji, on his left, and going in clockwise order, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Tenten, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, and Lee on his right, with Konohamaru and his little friends at another table next to them. _I can't do this..._  
"Yosh, Naruto-kun! Let us hear your inspiring words! What does Hokage-sama want us to know?"

"Yeah, spill it, Boss! We haven't got all day! Ebisu-sensei says we have to do _another_ D-rank today!"

_I _can_do this... I just... I just have to start. Once I start, I can finish. Right? That's what you suggested, right, Iruka-sensei?_

His eyes moving around each of his friends again, Naruto had to stop the second he reached Ino... and then the other girls he'd seen in the onsen last night. That was just too distracting.

"Do- do you guys know my birthday?"

"Of course!" Konohamaru nodded, "Everyone does!"

It turned out, however, that everyone did _not_. Only Sakura raised her hand besides the brown-haired boy and Hinata.

"O- Oh. It's... well, it's the tenth... of October. I'm... um, fifteen, so..."

"That does explain why none of us knew, and why you never seem to want to celebrate it, Naruto."

The blonde blinked and nodded, but didn't look down at Neji. "Y- Yeah. But... there's more. You all know what happened that night, fifteen years ago. Right?"

"Huh? What are you talkin' about, Boss? I'm only twelve! How could I remember that?!"  
His orange-haired kunoichi teammate slapped the back of his head, "Idiot! He's talking about the Kyūbi attack! The night the Fourth Hokage died! Duh!"

Naruto grimaced, "Y- Yeah. That- that night."

"Oh, Naruto-kun..." Hinata whispered, so quietly that only Neji and Kiba heard it. Several other young ninja around the two tables nodded, but Naruto was not done yet.

"And... and there's more. The Fox, that... that night? How do you kill something made of chakra? You- you can't. Even the Yondaime Hokage couldn't kill it. So... so he used the Shiki Fūin, the Reaper Death Seal, to... well, I don't know the whole story, but I guess the Yondaime took half the Fox's chakra and gave it to the Shinigami, and his own soul, and... and the other half, he sealed... into me."

There were nine gasps, but three people did not show any shock at all: Hinata, Neji, and Shikamaru. Even Sakura, while she had gasped, did not seem _that_ surprised... it was almost like she was faking it.

"But I'm not the Fox!" he added hastily, hoping to assauge their fears, "I'm not, I promise! I- I'm the same guy I've always been! It's just... like a kunai sealed in a scroll, right? The scroll isn't the kunai, so I'm not the Fox! It's just... in my belly! I can show you-" He raised the hem of his white t-shirt and focused, causing the blood-red spiral and other symbols to appear on the muscled chest.

He didn't notice Tenten, Ino, Sakura, even Hinata exchanging pointed looks before examining the seal, not the six-pack it was written on.  
"That's the Seal it's inside, see? And I can-"  
"Naruto, you're rambling," Neji said, "Sit down."

"Oh- Okay..."

"So..." Ino asked, hesitant to even speak up, "You... you _aren't_ the Fox, right? You're Naruto, the same idiot we've known since the Academy, right?"  
"Hey, speak for yourself!" Moegi cried from the next table, but was ignored.

Naruto nodded, "Y- Yeah... Hey! I'm not an idiot!"

Ino smirked, "That's funny, you just agreed you were. So make up your mind!"

"Tch, so troublesome..." Shikamaru added, before leaning his head back against the tall, cushioned seat and letting his mouth fall open while his eyes drifted shut.

There was silence for several minutes while the others slowly resumed eating. Choji put a hand up for the waitress, and ordered several desserts for the group- but mostly himself.

"So... that's it?" Naruto asked after she'd left with a page full of further orders.

"What else should there be?" Shino asked quietly, "Expecting us to abandon you is illogical. Why? If you had wanted to destroy us all, you would have a long time ago. Also, you have proven your loyalty and strength of character to each of us time and again. As individuals and as a group, I believe you have saved each of our lives at least once. Why should we fear you because of this?"

"But I-"  
"Look, Naruto," Sakura sighed, "this is just... something new. It doesn't erase who you are, or the five years we've known you. Right? It's like... when I started learning medical jutsu from Lady Tsunade. I just added something new, but it didn't erase everything that came before."

"But- this is the _Nine-Tailed Fox_," he tried to say, but was stopped by Neji's calm hand on his arm.

"Relax, Naruto. None of us are judging you... Hinata and myself already knew. How could we not, when we can see the source of flame-orange chakra in your stomach? I would reason that we aren't the only ones, as well."

"Right," Shikamaru added between snores, "It's troublesome, but I figured it out four years ago... back in the academy."

Sakura nodded, "And I knew about a month after we made Genin... when the dates of your birthday and that whole thing with Mizuki started coming together in my head. Well, I _guessed_. I didn't _know_ until now."

"You guys..."

Tears were starting to well up in the blonde's eyes, and his throat was thick. It made talking... difficult.

"Yosh! Naruto-kun, truly, your flames of youth are _inspiring_! Such hardship! Such pain! Such _training_! I have thought that my own handicap was the worst any ninja had ever known! But _you_, my friend! You have shown me the truth! I will have to train five-thousand-times-harder! If I can not, I will train six-thousand-times harder! And if I cannot do _that_, I will-"

He was silenced by a wad of napkins from Tenten's side of the table, which conveniently filled his mouth. He sat down, grumbling and glaring at his team-mate, while he tried to extract the makeshift gag.

But the noise wasn't done yet.

"Wow! Boss, you're _amazing_! Now I know how hard I gotta work to beat you! If you can use the Fox in battle, and why can't you, 'cause you're amazing and super-strong, and, and, and I gotta beat you! 'Cause I'm gonna be Hokage, and you know it! So I have to be able to beat the Nine-Tailed Fox, that even the Yondaime Hokage couldn't beat all the way! _And_ I have to beat you, too, Boss! It's gonna be _awesome_! The best fight ever-kore!"  
"Heh, heh..."

No one wanted to call their blonde friend on the tears of joy and happiness streaming down his cheeks. No one had the heart... and it's not like they didn't sympathize.

(O)(O)(O)

The next day at eleven, inspired by Naruto's courage (forced as it had been), Hinata did something she never thought she'd be able to do... she asked her crush out on a date.

Hinata had shown up to his apartment, rousing him from sleeping in, and said when he opened the door, "G- Good m-morning, N-Naruto-kun..."  
"Oh, hi, Hinata," he said with a yawn, and scratched his belly underneath his black t-shirt, "What's up?"

"A- Ano... w-would you l-l-like to go get s-some r-ramen?"

Blue eyes widened. "Ramen? Sure! Let me get my shoes!"

He was back, sandals on, before it even occurred to Hinata that he'd left her standing on his porch. "Let's go!"

They arrived at the ramen stand, somewhat out-of-breath, a mere two minutes later. Naruto didn't watch her chest heave... he was too distracted by the delicious smells. It had been an entire day, after all! "Ah, Ichiraku... this is the best idea ever, Hinata! Thanks for inviting me!"

"I-It was n-no pr-problem..."

"Oi, old man! Ayame-nee-chan! I need... six bowls of Miso to start! Gotta get my energy up for training today!"

"Ano... I th-think I'd like to start with two f-fish..."

"Coming right up," Ayame said with a faint smile, "So... How come you two are coming in together, now? Do you have a mission together, or... is this a _date_?"

"W- What?!" Naruto cried, suddenly red-faced.  
Not as much as Hinata, of course, but still pretty dark. She did not faint, however. "Y- Yes?"

Naruto froze.

Ayame gaped.

Teuchi, in the back, dropped an entire pot of noodles on his foot... and didn't notice the shattered bones _or_ second-degree burns for several minutes.

Throughout Konoha, birds and small animals froze in terror at the shift in the world.

Small babies cried, while others fell silent in shock.

Elsewhere, a crow cawed.

A white-haired old sage snickered and wiped a trickle of blood from his mouth, "Well done, brat... the best-built one of the bunch!" as he peered into his old sensei's Seeing Orb... or he would have, if he hadn't been getting hit at that moment.

"N- No," Naruto shook his head, "It's _not_ a d-d-date! We're just friends- friends eating together!"

This time, it was Hinata that froze.

Her heart, of course, continued to beat for a few moments, then stopped as well, quickly icing over. "I- I- It's-"

"Look, Hinata," Naruto said quietly, "I like you, I really do... you're one of my best friends, and the strongest person I know... but I can't go out with you. I just... I don't like you that way. And even if I did... there's your family. You're like a princess, and I'm a nobody."

Despite her heart icing over, one thought raced through Hinata's mind in that instant. _No one_ was allowed to talk about her Naruto-kun like that. _Nobody_. "No you aren't! You are _not a nobody_!" she screamed, eyes clenched shut in pain, "You're Naruto! Uzumaki Naruto, the strongest Genin in the Leaf Village! You're the apprentice of the Toad Sage, and- and the b- b- the _man_ I've always- that I've- that I l... l-l-... like... the- the most..."

She started off yelling, but as she continued, Hinata's voice trailed off, becoming even quieter than her normal speech at the end.

Naruto could only sigh, "I'm sorry, Hinata... I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I know I'm 'somebody'... but what does the Uzumaki family mean compared to the great Hyūga Clan? And that's besides the point... you're my _friend_, and I don't think about you any other way. I'm... I'm really sorry, I just don't."

Hinata was on the verge of hyperventilating. It felt a lot like fainting... but she was also a long way off, largely due to rage. She wasn't sure exactly at _what_ she was raging, but she certainly was... inwardly, at least. "W- Why?"

"Why? Why what, Hinata?"

"Why? After... after all this time... I finally said... but you... you..."

It didn't escape his notice that her stutter was almost gone, but the horror he felt, a horror the normally-sweet girl's voice was _creating_ inside his _very soul_, made Naruto skip over that small aspect of life. "I... what?"

It wasn't the smartest thing to say, but... well, this _is_ Uzumaki Naruto.

"How _could_ you?!" This did not sound like Hinata... but it was. "I've l-lo-liked you since we were in the Academy! I always watched you, always admired you, always thought you were so strong, so brave... and now... now I finally said how I felt, and... and you..."

She started to cry, face in her hands, while Teuchi began to hop and scream about his foot in the kitchen.

Ayame, though, ignored her father, brown eyes wide as she watched the drama unfolding in their little shop. Naruto looked lost, confused, as he sat on the stool next to the girl. But what could she do? This wasn't her place... even if she thought of Naruto as a brother (which she did), she couldn't just butt her big sister face into their private affairs... But _damn_, who knew Naruto would turn down the first girl who confessed to _him_? Who knew that girl would be _Hinata?!_

"Hey, Gaki," a stern, male voice called as Jiraiya stepped under the short curtain. Naruto looked up with dismal eyes, and didn't react to his sensei hobbling in with a crutch under one shoulder, two black eyes, a broken jaw, and another broken arm, "You have any idea why Tsunade's so pissed? She just made a law proscribing _jail time_ for people caught peeping! I mean, I would _never_ do such a thing, but-"

"Yeah, right," Naruto growled, "You peep all the time!"

Perhaps it was just bad timing... but Hinata didn't care. She would not normally do such a thing, she was far too quiet, too shy, too unassuming, and _far_ too kind to do such a thing... 'normally'. But anyone who knew Hinata would attest that her confessing to Naruto was not a 'normal' thing, and any time in which she did so was not 'normal' either.  
"So do you!" she cried out, jumping to her feet and pointing at her once-crush, "I didn't tell the others, but I _saw_ you, Naruto-kun! You peeped on all of us!"

Blue eyes widened in terror. "How did you- _Shit_!"  
He tried to run.

But Jiraiya was too fast, even crippled as he was. With his unbroken hand holding Naruto up by the scruff of his collar, he brought the blonde in close to his own face, "You... _you_ were peeping? And you blamed it on _me?!_"

Hinata hissed vehemently, "Yes! He transformed into you right before the others saw- but I saw everything!"

A moment later, Naruto's feet hit the floor. Jiraiya said coldly, "For the beating I just got, and the law, I'm gonna kick your ass, gaki... but for the peeping, I'm gonna give you a three-second head-start. I'm pissed... but I'm also proud!"

So Naruto ran.  
He made it two steps before Hinata's Jyuuken strike brought him to the ground, skidding face-first on the dirt street outside.  
"Hey, Hinata! What the hell?!" Tenten's voice called from up the street, "I thought you already knew? Why are you beating Naruto up now?"

But the red-eyed, wet-faced girl only delivered a swift kick to Naruto's ribs, making him groan in pain, before grabbing him with both hands fisted in his jacked and hauling him off his feet to face in the direction of the other girl, "For being a peeping tom! It was _him_ the other night! He admitted it, and I saw him!"

Tenten's eyes narrowed, "It was, was it? That's... that's good..."

The aura suddenly crashing into every person on the street sent several Civilians do the nearest bathroom to clean their shorts, and Naruto quailed. "Very... very good... 'cause I still owe him for feeling me up on his last prank... oh, Naruto... you have no idea the kind of hornet's nest you've just stirred up, do you?"

"Um..." he moaned, before Hinata dropped him, "I'll go get Ino and Sakura-san... I believe both are at the hospital today."  
"That's good," Tenten smiled wickedly, "Meet me... on top of the Hokage Monument. I'll have our new toy ready to go by then."

"All right!" Hinata replied cheerfully. Or maybe with malice... it was hard to tell in her current mood.

(O)(O)(O)

When Naruto regained consciousness, he felt... a draft.  
But no, not a draft, because a draft implied there was a hole in some amount of covering. What he felt was more a stiff, body-wide breeze. He opened his eyes, squinting through the swelling. "Ow..."

It was hard to tell, he could only see vague green, yellow, and red shapes, but it wasn't a place he recognized immediately. The breeze was mostly in front of him, coming from his right, though a trickle of wind tickled his back. He was... swaying?  
"How do you like the view, 'Naruto-kun'?"

The voice was filled with pent-up anger, but it was still recognizably Hinata's. "Wha- what the hell?!"

A few seconds after he'd come to, his eyes swam into focus... he was hanging from a rope, _very_ high over the Village Hidden in the Leaves. His hands were over his head, his feet tied together, and only the former supported his weight. At least they had left his head free!  
Straining, Naruto could make out the Hokage faces to his right, with Tsunade's to his left...

"How do you like it, 'Hokage-sama'?" Sakura's voice called, "It's kind of fitting, for a pervert that thinks he'll be Hokage!"

"What did you do?!" he cried, "Let me go!"

Ino's voice was equally furious, "I don't think so... you're lucky I let go of my paralysis jutsu when I did! I was _going_ to leave you up there all night... but the Hokage insisted we allow you the chance to free yourself, so here you go. The key... catch it if you can!"

There was a _chance_, of course... if he'd been untied. And she hadn't thrown the key as far as she could over the village!

Tenten's voice echoed from above him last, "Well, I still owe you for copping a feel on my chest the other day... but I guess this is enough for the bath peeking. I swear, you men are all alike! Perverts, every one of you!"

It took Naruto six hours to break free of the bindings, and ten more minutes to climb down. By the time he reached home, he saw a defaced monument on the mountain. Visualizing his own orange self hanging there... and the words! How _dare_ they!

"Worthy of being the Yondaime Hokage's Snot". With an arrow, of course, pointing right to where he'd been hanging, below his hero's 'nostril'.

"Ooh... oooh, I'm _so_ gonna get them for this one!"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Well, I knocked out two OH chapters before this one... that's good. Then I started working nights (not by choice, mind) which means no sleep for me. No sleep = no brainpower, no brainpower = no writing... and now my family's in town from Kentucky (I live in Utah) with more coming in from Nevada for the next week. So my writing time will, again, be a minimum... but at least I won't be working nights for a while now. I 'should' have the time and energy to write.  
Still, as I'm sure my recent activity proves, there's no guarantee.

For those who get the reference(s) in this chapter: They are both intentional and, I hope, enjoyed. Especially the most obvious one. The only thing I might have done better was switch the target to Voldemort from HP- because "Orochimort" is something both Voldy and the Snake-teme have in common, given their 'back from the dead' way of 'life'. :)

And Moegi is evil. That is all. :)

* * *

**Chap. 8 The Plot Sickens**

Naruto stretched and yawned, before idly scratching his belly. He'd woken up just a few seconds earlier, and was staring, bleary-eyed, out the dingy window of his apartment over Konoha. He'd only been back for a few days, busy ones at that, and hadn't had time to clean anything.

...Not that he was particularly motivated to clean, anyway, but at least he wasn't a _total_ slob anymore.  
The reason for his tiredness was, if one spent any amount of time in his living room, completely obvious. He had been up late, planning. Sketching traps, writing down notes, and even coming up with likely scenarios, including ways in which those plans could go wrong... and how to take advantage of them if they did.

In fact, if Nara Shikamaru had wandered into said room, he might have thought Naruto's living room resembled nothing so much as his dad's study... full of plans, war-time procedures, and so on. As Konoha's ranking shinobi commander, directly below the Hokage herself, it was up to Shikaku to plan... well, everything, both offense and defense, both tactics and strategy, should things of that nature be required.

One Uzumaki Naruto?  
Well... he wasn't a commander. At least, not like that. He wasn't even a particularly good planner, as he would freely admit.  
What he _was_, was good at revenge.

And oh, how he wanted it. Needed it.

"I can almost taste it..." he muttered, half-awake, "Tastes like... Ramen. Mm... I wonder if the Old Man can whip me up some Revenge-flavored Ramen... that'd be sweet..."

(O)(O)(O)

While Naruto was just waking up, others in Konoha were already alert, and to use an old phrase, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. So to speak, anyway... It probably wouldn't be wise to comment on how hairy or not hairy _any_ of the 'tails' mentioned in this scene are. At least, not if one desires to avoid a most grisly death. It would _especially_ not be wise, if one were male, to comment on the color of said hair.

The 'tails'?  
Well, a group of kunoichi, planning further revenge of their own. Because they knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Naruto had not given up. He idolized the Fourth Hokage, and their insult at the end of the prank practically guaranteed there would be retaliation. Retaliation even beyond what he'd already done.  
So the girls hoped to be ready... at least, three of them. Ino, Tenten, and Sakura were awake and at the Ameguriyama, the dango stand across the street and one building down from Ichiraku's Ramen, but the last member of their little planning session had yet to wake up. Or at least, to arrive.

And considering that Hyūga Hinata was the earliest riser, and the most morning-person-like among them, that was saying something. Especially as the hour was swiftly approaching ten.

"Where _is_ she?" Ino groused for the fifth time, "It's not like her to be late. Do you think she had a mission?"

Sakura shook her head for the third time, "No, Ino. Like I already said, I've been by Tsunade-hime's office, she didn't have a mission. Speaking of which... she warned us off this. Something about not making it worse, and being the 'better man'."

Her best friend scowled, "You aren't chickening out now, are you?"

The medic-ninja sent the taller girl a glare, "Of course not! I'm just letting you know. She didn't outright order it, but it was a suggestion... so if we get in trouble, you get the same blame I do, that's all."

The two continued to gripe and natter at each other for twenty more minutes before Hinata finally showed up. Tenten, who had been silently 'reading' until then, gave a sigh of relief. Study was difficult with two teenage girls having a 'friendly argument' on either side of you.  
"I- I'm s-s-sorry I'm l-late... what the hell?!" Hinata said softly by way of greeting, her tone changing to one of outright shock at what she saw..

The others, all three of them, scowled as they looked up, then gasped in return.

Gone was Hinata's long, silky-black, almost indigo hair. Instead, it was the same cute, yet half-sophisticated pixie cut she'd worn years ago, with only the bangs showing how long it had once been.

Ino, perhaps predictably, was the most vocal in her shock. "Hinata! What- your _hair_! What did you _do_?!"

The Hyūga brushed that question off, "Me?! Wh-what happened to y-_you_?!"

Scowls at Hinata's tardiness swiftly changed to dark looks promising pain.

"Naruto," Sakura hissed.  
Tenten, sensing that her younger friends were either going to fume uselessly or rant uncontrollably, took over the explanation, her own voice controlled, but with a certain air of tension in it all the same, "As near as I can tell, they both had a set of Seals on their doorways this morning. Seals specifically keyed to their chakra signatures, which when they passed through... well, you can see. We've tried Genjutsu Release, but it hasn't done any good. Sakura even tried using medical jutsu to restore it. It switched, but went right back a minute later, and she hasn't been able to get it to go back since, like the seals adapted or something."

Hinata frowned. That wasn't _possible_, was it? Self-adapting seals? No... there had to be something else going on.

"Anyway," Tenten continued, "I have to admit, I'm curious. What happened to you? Was it Naruto?"

The casual nonchalance of the older kunoichi's tone didn't hide, at least from Hyūga eyes, the stiffness in her body, the elevated heartrate, the way Tenten's milk-chocolate eyes darted about every few seconds, as if on watch for an attack. Even here, in the heart of Konoha... and near the one place Naruto probably considered sacred ground, outside the realm of attack. After all, pranks could misfire, and he wouldn't want to risk harm to his ramen supply, would he?

But Hinata only shook her head, "N- No, I c-cut it last night. Why, d-did I do a b-bad job? I thought it l-looked alright..."

Sakura and Ino both seemed, despite the switched hair colors, relieved that Hinata's hair hadn't been altered by the current target of their anger. Tenten, on the other hand, seemed to feel only the slightest bit of relief. "Damn," she muttered, "It's just a matter of time... I gotta stay on my toes. Watch for seals everywhere..."

Across the street and down two buildings, three from Ichiraku's, a Shadow Clone dissipated from the roof, with a single phrase echoing softly into the air. "Mission Complete."

(O)(O)(O)

Further down the street, a trio of Genin smirked. The tallest of the group, who wore a long blue scarf that, even wrapped around his neck twice, still trailed several feet behind him on both tails, said, "Man, it's good to have the Boss back! It's been too slow, but now we can get all the pointers we want! Look at 'em squirm!"

The lone kunoichi, who seemed more than a bit miffed at her own unusual orange hair color at the moment, sniffed in mild annoyance, "How come he can't do a Seal like that for me?"

The enjoyment swiftly fled from the last member of the trio's face, "Maybe Naruto-nii doesn't have time for us anymore? He did brush us off the other day..."

But Konohamaru was not convinced, and wouldn't let the others lose faith. "Nah, Boss isn't like that! He just had to pee or something, probably. You know how he is. Anyway, now that we're Genin, we don't have to 'play ninja' anymore... now we can really train together! We just gotta track him down. And I know just the place to start!"

A month later, when Jiraiya found out that Naruto had, indeed, been 'helping' Ebisu train his Genin team, he was both appalled at the very idea of Naruto passing along his secrets- because it was _Naruto_- and amazed at how quickly a group of snot-nosed (literally, in one case) brats could master such advanced jutsu.

I mean... Naruto was one thing, the kid was a freak. But the old man's grandson, mastering even an incomplete, weaker form of the Rasengan so quickly? And the genius the other two, Moegi and Udon, showed in picking up the basics of sealing? Something Naruto _certainly_ wasn't qualified to teach? Sure, the most advanced thing they'd done was make the girl's hair more red and less orange, but... still!

Little did he know that the one simple act Naruto spending a few days with his younger friends would change the course of Konoha's history.

At least, as far as pranks went.

(O)(O)(O)

And so the days passed, and before Naruto knew it, a week and a half had gone by since his return. There had been a celebration of sorts, he and all his friends (sans Sasuke, of course, the prick) of every generation, which made Tenten jealous of the easy friendship, almost family-like relationship he had with her idol, Tsunade, and which made the others almost wish he'd stayed gone.

Not the pranks... those, in fact, were next-to-nonexistent.  
It was the _noise_.

And the _hugs_.

Manly ones, between friends, those were all right, though Neji, Kiba, Shikamaru, and even Choji would've rathered he didn't.  
Lee, well, he just tried to crush Naruto's ribs in response... and the blonde heard several cracks as he did so.

The girls?  
Well... true, Naruto was what, sixteen, now? But still... did he have to be so _obvious_ about why he didn't want to let go?

Still, at least the pranks had mostly died down.

Until Uzumaki Naruto woke up one day, and the entire Hidden Village was filled with the most gut-wrenching sound of terror ever.

Most of them, ninja or civilian, immediately reached for implements of protection. A few, battle-hardened elites, reached for several or vanished in a quick Substitution- just in case. Those included one Hatake Kakashi, the Hokage herself, and so on.

But two young men and one young woman, each twelve to thirteen, snickered. "Best Genjutsu ever, Moegi-chan!" their leader forced through his laughter as their idol recoiled in horror from the nightmare he'd woken from.

"It can't be! That's not true! It's _impossible_!"

Each of the three, being the only others aside from Naruto himself privy to what the blonde was seeing and hearing, heard through the window, "It is true, Naruto... I _am_ your father. Join me, and together, we will rule the world as father and son. Together, we can destroy all the ramen, and bring udon noodles back to prominence!"

"No! I'll never join you! Destroy the ramen?! Are you crazy?!"

The dark-haired, pale-faced figure, shrouded in shadows, only sneered, "Crazy? Ramen isn't _healthy_, young man, and as your father, your eating habits are my responsibility! You will never, ever have Ramen again!"

Five seconds later, Naruto's apartment exploded.  
Not just parts of it... the whole thing.

_Boom_.

The upshot, for him, was that he soon discovered that the whole thing had been a Genjutsu-inspired dream, layered with a Genjutsu itself. That Orochimaru was not his father... and that he had not already destroyed all the ramen in Konoha. After all, chakra can disrupt a Genjutsu, and thick waves of it will disrupt one easily.

The downside? Well... he was kind of out of a place to live. The entire building, by noon that day, had been declared uninhabitable.

The culprits? They were never caught... though Naruto had his suspicions. After all, who knew enough about him to combine his hatred of Orochimaru and his deepest, darkest fear?

Okay, honestly, everyone knows that, but does he know they know? Of course not.  
So he assumed Sakura would never do such a thing, that Kakashi was above such mindless pranks, that it was beyond his 'students', and so on.  
But it had to be someone!  
"And I'll find out, one day," he snarled as he loaded the one suitcase with of damaged possessions he'd been able to rescue from the Rasengan-flattened building, "And I'll get 'em!

But that vengeance would have to wait.

"Naruto-san?"

He looked up from the menial task to see a bear-masked ANBU standing a few feet away in a relaxed posture. The ANBU was male, tall, with a shock of untidy black hair, but all other features were, as was the whole point of the uniform, masked. "Yeah? What's up?"

Naruto could feel the man's eyes roving the ruins of his apartment while he spoke, "Hokage-sama requests your immediate presence."

With a scowl, Naruto threw the cracked frame of the Team Seven photograph into the suitcase, "Can't it wait? I'm kind of busy."

The ANBU shook his head, "I'm afraid not, Naruto-san. I will clear any personal effects and store them at the Hokage's office for you. I believe she has a mission of utmost urgency for you to perform."

"A mission?!" Naruto's blue eyes perked up immediately, "Why didn't you say so? All right, thanks, Bear-san! I'm counting on you!"

While the orange-and-gold blur streaked away, the bear-masked man chuckled, then bent low to examine the picture, "So, that's one of your students, Taicho? Seems a lot like one of your old teammates, the one that... well, whatever. I've got work of my own to do, I guess."

And, true to his word, the ANBU began picking, along with several clones, to pick through the rubble looking for personal effects.  
In the end, seven sturdy wooden crates, five steel ones, slightly dented from beneath Naruto's bed, and the suitcase itself had been delivered to the Hokage's office by sundown that day.

Naruto, though, wasn't in Konoha to see it.

(O)(O)(O)

"He's _what_?!"

Had one Uzumaki Naruto not been yelling at the Hokage of Konohagakure herself, the target of his ire might have been slightly worried. As it was, however, the blonde woman merely blinked, stuck her fingers in her ears to mitigate the volume of the shout, then glared, idly pushing Naruto's hands, which he had planted on her desk with a thwack to begin his question, and replied quietly, "He's been kidnapped."

"I heard you, Granny! What I want to know is _how_?"

This made Sakura, Tenten, Lee, Kakashi, Gai, and Neji- yes, even Lee and Gai- flinch at the volume, and most of those actually leaned back, further away from Naruto.

Senju Tsunade steepled her fingers together, peering over them at Naruto for a few more seconds before explaining, "We don't know... but I have my suspicions. There's only one group I know of that would try something so reckless, taking even the One-Tailed Jinchuuriki from his own home turf. Much less of actually pulling it off."

The next word, whisper-quiet, nonetheless shook the fibre of every person in the room to their core.  
"Akatsuki."

Tsunade nodded, "Yes, that's right. The carrier hawk we got was the fastest one Suna had. The message wasn't even encrypted... it took two days to get here, which means that, at the earliest, Akatsuki could be half-way through ripping Shukaku and Gaara's soul from his body. At the latest... they might be a week away. But even I wouldn't take that bet."

Naruto nodded, "Okay, sign the papers so I can go already!"

Sakura's left eyebrow twitched at the exact moment Tsunade's did. "Who said you were going? They've already taken one Jinchuuriki from his own turf, Naruto. Why would I risk you? The report said _one_ of them took Gaara down... in single combat. There's eight others, at least, probably just as powerful."

"But," and even Neji was surprised at the cool logic Naruto displayed with his next argument, "Someone _else_ beat Gaara, too. Me. I'm... I'm stronger than he is. And he's my friend. He needs me... and I'm going."

Tsunade sighed, "Yes, yes you are... whether I allow it or not, aren't you?" She leaned back in her chair, not needing to watch Naruto's determined nod to know the answer. "Fine... Both teams are going. The tracks leading from Suna were heading straight into the desert, and toward northern River. Team Gai, you will be heading on an intercept course. We don't have enough to triangulate their destination, but by heading near Henbuki Village in River, you should at least get close. Lots of Jiraiya's spies report black and red-cloaked men and women around that area, too, so it seems a good place to start. Team Kakashi, you're heading for Suna to get better intel, and will be following their trail with assistance from Suna."

Naruto nodded and headed for the door at once, but was interrupted by Gai's low voice, "Excuse me, Lady Tsunade, I don't mean to question your judgment, but shouldn't my team be the one to go toward Suna? My team is probably the fastest overland in Konoha."

Tsunade nodded, "Yes, but your team doesn't have the one ninja the Kazekage's sister _asked_ to have on this mission... which is why Naruto is going, whether he likes it or not."

A mere fifteen minutes later- an eternity to Naruto- Gai and Kakashi idly waved to each other, though even Naruto, distracted as he was, noted the obvious tension the rivals felt about the mission. He could relate... he was both terrified for his friend, afraid for himself (and his comrades from the Leaf too, of course), and extremely anxious to kick some bad-guy butt.

The problem was... how do you beat nine guys that can defeat the desert itself single-handedly?

* * *

**A/N2:** I should probably also mention that yes, this is a shorter chapter... it might have taken another week to do the next scene, and wouldn't have added much. The Rescue Gaara Arc will happen pretty much entirely as canon. Anything different will (most likely) be mentioned as an afterthought or flashback type scene in the next chapter or two, but again, those changes will be minor- mostly on the part of Naruto and Tenten's thoughts and feelings as things progress. So don't expect me to re-hash the (admittedly awesome) fight between Sakura and Chiyo against Sasori, or the (much less spectacular) Naruto and Kakashi vs Deidara fight. They've been done enough anyway.  
But that means we're moving more toward the 'actual' plot of TROLL, one tiny centimeter at a time. Lol

Finally, I've been most pleased by the reviews I've been getting for TROLL. Keep it up, it does indeed make me want to write more, so faster and better chapters for everyone. Oh... and thanks again to my beta, Mouse, without whom there would be... oh, at least a dozen typos in this chapter alone. And a word correction that I did deliberately but that his simple correction convinced me not to. ;)


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**I don't normally do this, but...

Guest Reviewer; (concerning when Uzushiogakure was destroyed) Yes, I'm aware- but Naruto is not, and there's a specific reason for that. Moreso, Jiraiya DOES know, as does most of the older generation that was alive for the 2nd war (really all of them). The fact that the younger gen(s) don't is both telling _and_ important. I'm a fan of plots within plots, and so on. In short, it's a case of 'history is written by the...?', not a case of 'this is what really happened'. Only, it's not necessarily the 'victor'. Lol Good catch, though- I think you're only the 2nd that's caught onto that. ;)

Anyway, I know it's been a while. Sorry. Too much working, not enough time to write, and TROLL can't be my main story until I've finished OH (not that I've been working much on that, either). Slowly but surely, though, I'm still plugging away. Sooner or later, they will all be done. Now if I can just stop adding more projects...

Anyway, enjoy. More to come in the lower AN.

* * *

**Chap. 9 Triumphant(?) Return(?)**

Once again, for the second time in... how long had it been, anyway? "Doesn't matter," Naruto mused to himself, "Too long," the gates of Konoha were ahead, about a kilometer distant. Behind him, moving wearily just as he was, trudged Sakura, Kakashi, Gai, Lee, Neji, and Tenten... and Baki, the Jonin Sensei of the first Suna team he'd ever met, the one which contained the ninja who was now the Kazekage... at fifteen, no older than Naruto himself.  
The blonde teen gave a wistful, happy smile. Gaara, his friend, was alive... that was what mattered. He would fight again, though it wasn't clear at this time if he would ever regain the use of his sand as a defense or weapon. He'd asked, but Kankuro and Temari- the only ones who had been willing to answer the question for him- had only had speculation.  
Their father, after all, had been able to manipulate gold dust. His father, iron. Gaara, they knew, could control silicates... sand. More so, he could _create_ sand out of other minerals, simply by grinding them up with his own sand. It took time, but was surprisingly quick.

At least, he could before. Now... no one really knew. Without the One-Tailed Bijū, Shukaku, inside him, it was anyone's guess. Would he carry on the same bloodline, one that neither Temari nor Kankuro, the former Kazekage's older children, seemed to have access to? Would it change, somehow, without the Sand Tanuki inside him?

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Naruto?"

The speaker was the one person on the team he _didn't_ really want to talk to. That was surprising in itself, because in general, there was no one else with whom he'd rather exchange conversation. After all, he loved Haruno Sakura. Right? This time, though...

On the way to Suna, before even crossing the border, Sakura had asked several questions. Pointed, probing questions... questions Naruto had no answer for.

_No, that's not right,_ he corrected himself, he had plenty of answers. Just not ones he wanted to give.

It wasn't a big secret, any more, though. He had, after all, been forced to tell them he held the Fox inside him.

But this... Sakura had been almost killed by Shukaku and Gaara, once. She, Sasuke, and he had been the only Genin to _really _see what the One-Tail was capable of, even through a living host. Sasuke, for his part, was now gone, rogue.  
But Sakura... _his_ Sakura...

It didn't seem like she hated him. But she was... different. More, now, than she had been once he'd told her and the others.

It was almost like...

"Naruto?"

This time, like before, his mind continued to race in circles, while a certain medi-ninja grew more confused, and more than a bit frustrated.

(O)(O)(O)

Sakura scowled to herself as she was ignored, yet again. She was _trying_, wasn't she? All she wanted was answers. She knew Naruto, trusted him. If she hadn't, would she have fought an S-Ranked ninja for his friend, even with the help of Chiyo-sama? But if he was going to blow her off...

Yes, of course it worried her. What if Naruto lost control, like Gaara had? But this was her- well, one of her best friends. If not him... then who? Who else could control the Nine-Tails, keep them all safe with every breath? No one, that's who.

Only... he'd been _different_, somehow, since they had met back up.

The others in their group seemed to sense it as well, but as Team Gai didn't know them as well, with the possible exception of Lee and Naruto's close friendship and rivalry, none of them seemed willing to talk to him about it.

Kakashi-sensei? Well... he was Kakashi. He didn't do anything unless he _had_ to.

With every step the group took between Suna and Konoha, it seemed the gulf between Sakura and Naruto only got wider.

(O)(O)(O)

"Hey, Naruto," Tenten asked quietly, from her position at the back of the now-scattered group. They had been going for four days, taking their time getting back. The info they'd gotten from Sasori (thanks to Sakura and Lady Chiyo's valor) wouldn't be relevant for at least another week. There was no reason to rush, according to Gai and Kakashi-senseis.

Naruto, in a fit of melancholy unlike himself, had been lagging further and further behind as the group neared home. Security was loosened, until Gai and Kakashi were walking more than a hundred meters ahead of her, though her own sensei was audible, given his loud challenges to his 'eternally hip rival'. Neji, Lee, and Sakura were further ahead, talking quietly to themselves, with Baki-sensei from Suna a couple dozen yards behind them and ahead of Tenten and Naruto themselves.

"Hm?"

"Listen... I know I'm not the best one to say this, but... we're behind you. You know that, right?"

He nodded, distantly, but didn't lift his eyes from the well-worn dirt road.

"And..." she blushed slightly, the sappy, supportive girl was _so_ not her style! "And, whatever you need, if it's someone to talk to, someone to spar against, someone to help beat the crap out of Sasuke, or whatever, we're all still there."

Naruto nodded once more, still saying nothing.

At least, until just after they'd passed through the gates, with the three Jonin moving toward the Hokage tower, their squad leaders having instructed them to get cleaned up and get some rest while they discussed what to do about the current situation in Suna and against Akatsuki... and the mysterious contact concerning Uchiha Sasuke.

"Tenten?"

"What is it, Naruto?" she asked, hoping that this was at least _something_. She'd even accept a 'ramen date' to get him out of this funk. Just as friends, of course, but... it was worth it. She hated seeing the happy, or at least cheerful, ray of sunshine down like this.

"Do you think... people can change?"

Tenten blinked. "Of course I do. People change all the time. I mean, even Sakura has boobs now, right?"

Naruto blushed, that was _not_ exactly what he'd meant, but it was a nice enough thought. Further ahead, a certain medic-ninja's keen senses had caught just enough to be truly offended. "That bitch," she muttered to herself, "rub it in that I'm the slowest to develop in our age group... show her... cow-woman..."

All of this, of course, ignoring that Tenten, while she had the 'right curves' was not anywhere _near_ Tsunade's league. Or Anko's, or even really Ino's and Hinata's.  
But Sakura neither noticed nor cared about that particular incongruity.

"Uh, that's not, um... what I m-meant," Naruto stammered, trying to fight down his growing blush.

Tenten giggled, "I know, silly! I was just trying to lighten the mood, you've been so down lately. But yes, I do think people can change. Sometimes for the worst, but most times for the better. I mean, look at Lee- look at _Neji_. He's still a stick in the mud who wouldn't know a good time if it kicked him in the ass, but... it's genuine. He's not just acting that way because you beat him in the Chunin Exams, Naruto. He really does believe differently, and it's changed his whole outlook on life. So yes, people can change."

There was silence for a long time as they continued to walk down the main thoroughfare, until at last it was time to part, Lee, Neji, and Sakura already doing so to go to their own respective homes.  
"Thanks, Ten-chan," Naruto said quietly as he turned with a small wave to head for a quick shower himself.

If the weapons-wielding kunoichi was bothered by the new nickname, it was nothing compared to how pleased she was to see a bit of spring in the blonde's step again.

(O)(O)(O)

"Tadaima," Naruto said quietly to his new, empty apartment.

To his intense shock, someone actually answered _back_. "Okaeri, Naruto," a cheerful young male voice mumbled, no doubt because of the chips currently stuffing the mouth used for the traditional 'welcome home' phrase in every nation that shared their language.

"Ch- Choji? Shikamaru? What are- I mean, why are you guys in my apartment?"

He wasn't terribly alarmed. They were friends, and would not steal from him. Instead, Choji and Shikamaru were staring at him, now ignoring his old-fashioned, barely-functional television (which he had, years ago, scavenged from someone's wastebasket). "It was tons of work, but we were given a D-Rank to move what we could salvage from your apartment here. So Ino went shopping to replace what we couldn't, while we set things up that we could. Of course, Ino caught up- late, as usual- and told us you were due home today, so we thought we'd stick around and say hi. So, hi."

Choji, mouth full, instead just waved. After a swallow, called out, "Say hi to Naruto, Ino!"

Naruto nodded slowly. He wasn't _particularly_ close with any member of the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, Gen Three, but he had hung out with all of them more than once, and counted the males on the team, Shikamaru and Choji, as two of his better friends. After all, they and Kiba had been the ones to ditch class with him and go play most often. It showed in their grades, though not to the extent his had, too.

"Thanks, guys," he mumbled, embarrassed that someone would go out of their way not just to welcome him back, but to help him settle into his new apartment, too. "You didn't have to, you know. Between me and my clone army..."

Ino's high-pitched and high-powered voice echoed from the kitchen, "Yes we did! Shikamaru might be too lazy, and Choji too nice to say it, but your apartment was a sty, Naruto! I can't believe people live like this! Even you would have been disgusted by this stuff!"

At once, Naruto called out, "You'd know what a sty looks like, wouldn't you, Ino-pig?"

The intensely furious blonde that filled the doorway into his small kitchen a half-moment later reminded Naruto of just _why_ no one but Sakura could get away with calling Ino that.

The fact that she was filthy, her hair dishevelled, and wearing rubber cleaning gloves, with a bottle of cleaner and a dirty towel in each hand made him feel even worse.  
She really _had_ been cleaning, and after the prank he'd pulled!

"S- Sorry, Ino," he stammered, "I've just... I had a really, um... hard mission. I've been a bit, er, stressed out. S- Sorry. And, uh, th- thanks."

Apparently, that was exactly the right thing to say, because Ino, her hair (he was glad to see) back to it's normal golden blonde, took several deep breaths to calm down before smiling sweetly, "Anytime, Naruto. Wait, scratch that- I'm _never_ cleaning your apartment again! Not even for a C-Rank, much less a D! Maybe if I had some _help_ from my _team_, as a C-Rank! But these two lazy guys haven't done anything but clean up this one room! I had to straighten your bedroom up, I had to wipe down _everything_ in the bathroom, and the kitchen too!"

Naruto shuddered. The bathroom in his old place was bad enough, but he'd had it ingrained in him by the Third Hokage that he _had_ to keep that clean, or he'd probably get himself killed by gaining several dozen infections or something.  
But his kitchen...

Especially his _fridge_? That was the stuff of nightmares.

Seriously.

There were things _growing_ in there, things that _moved_.  
"I... I, uh... hope you had your kunai? I... I tried a fire jutsu on some of the stuff in my fridge once, and, and I think that blue-green plant-mold-thing _ate_ it. It got bigger, suddenly, anyway..." Naruto trailed off.

Why?  
Because Ino had suddenly grown very, very pale. Paler than usual.

"Your... your fridge? Why... why no, I hadn't... hadn't even looked inside... Is... is it really that bad?"

Still tired from the mission to rescue Gaara (success, no matter how bad the mission was, and the aftermath, too!), Naruto dropped his pack next to the door and slid past the motionless teen girl, followed now by Choji and an apathetic (when wasn't he?) Shikamaru.

Naruto's hands trembled as he reached for the fridge handle.

He yanked...

The door twitched, but didn't open.

That was never a good sign.

If that thing had another week to mutate...

"Crap," Naruto muttered, "You guys might want to back up."

Choji obligingly removed his head from over Naruto's shoulder to stand in the far corner, next to his tiny table, while Shikamaru just shrugged and stayed put, already several feet away. Taking those extra few steps would have been troublesome, because he could see from here.

Naruto slowly reached, hands still trembling nervously, for a large metal spoon and stuck the handle into the seal of the fridge, putting enough force into it to bend the spoon slightly as the suction broke.  
Then, leaving the spoon still adhered to the rubber seal, Naruto returned to the handle, and gave it a mighty pull.

With a loud _squelch_, the door opened, and something purple and green wafted out into the kitchen.

Ino, eyes wide in fear, took one look at the gaseous _stuff_ from the doorway, and bolted from the apartment without a word. A few seconds later, in the distance, they heard a screech of horror and disgust fade away.

Choji shuddered, looked positively green. Almost as green as his jacket.

Shikamaru actually grimaced. And we all know how troublesome he found facial expressions to be.

It takes effort to move muscles, after all.

Naruto?

He just looked.

What had once been vaguely recognizable as food (more than five years ago now, if he remembered right) had grown a thin layer of mold atop it.  
That mold, given his penchant for not cleaning up after himself (especially the more gross things) had continued to expand, until it filled the entirety of the plastic container. From there, spores began filling the fridge.

The original foodstuff long since consumed, the fungus had eaten, well, everything else.  
Of course, by this point, Naruto had long, long since stopped using the fridge. Cleaning it would be scary, and hard work, and he didn't want to get sick, so he just left it, and purchased everything he needed fresh. You know, like _normal_ people. Even if it was more expensive.

With the regular supply of foods gone, however, the fungus had been forced to adapt.  
And adapt it did. There were a few things left. Plastic, metal, rubber (a thin coating that mostly covered the metal of the shelves, but also included the seal), and itself.

Of those, only itself was really edible.  
Now, a biologist, botanist, or some other scientist might argue that a thing cannot consume itself and continue to grow. Even a multicellular organism, like most molds. Those people? Well, smart or educated they might be, but those people have not seen the 'unique environment' that exist(ed) inside Naruto's fridge.

True, there was only so much it could do. Energy is always lost, after all, just keeping a life-form well, alive. But it had indeed become _very_ skilled at digesting and recycling it's own out-of-date parts.

The fire jutsu he'd tried? That had, in effect, simply given the fungus a burst of raw heat energy. It had also caused more damage than he'd suspected, which also gave the surviving fungus more fuel, and the ability to adapt more quickly.

So what Naruto saw when he opened the fridge was simple. In a manner of speaking.

There was fungus, mold, _everywhere_.  
It didn't fill the entire volume, there just wasn't that much mass there to consume to feed itself. But the shelves were almost gone, and completely unrecognizable. Every surface was covered, three or four inches thick, in purple and green.  
The gas? It was probably released spores, jostled loose by the change in air pressure brought about by the cold air escaping into the room.

But the strangest thing was not the volume or even the color of mold.

It was the _eyes_.

Thousands upon thousands of them.

They were barely there, more sluglike than anything, on the ends of myriad stalks, but they each turned, as one, to Naruto as he continued to stare.

There was a loud bang as Naruto slammed the door shut.

Shikamaru and Choji, both transfixed by the... the... _thing_, jumped at the sound.

"N- Naruto?" the Akamichi asked.

"Yeah, Choji?" the blonde replied, voice tremulous and far too quiet.

"I think you might have just scared me thin. I've never seen food that wanted to eat _me_ before."

"Oh. Cool. You're welcome, Choji. Let me know how that works out for you."

If either boy thought Naruto's deadpan, wooden delivery was strange, nothing was said about it.

They were both pretty freaked out as well, after all.

"Hey, Shikamaru?" Naruto asked a few seconds later.

"Hm?"

"You, uh... you got a good-sized sealing scroll on you? I'll replace it, I just don't have one ready."

"Tch. Fine," he muttered, surprisingly sounding a lot like himself, shock or not, before pulling out the largest scroll in his vest and tossing it to Naruto, "That should hold the whole thing."

"Cool," Naruto replied, catching the roll of high-quality paper without bothering to look at it. Distracted or not, he was still a ninja, and Shikamaru hadn't exactly thrown it with intent to harm.

A few seconds later, the entire fridge- mold-creature and all- disappeared into the scroll. As Naruto stood up, he started to regain some color. "Do you think the scientists at the Konoha Research Lab would be interested in this? If it was donated anonymously, of course? No one needs to know I created a new life form, right? Heh heh heh..."

Choji just shuddered, and committed the ultimate sin for his family.  
He threw up perfectly good food.

Naruto spent the rest of the night cleaning up his kitchen again.  
Somehow, he didn't think it was right making Choji do it. The whole thing had been because of his laziness, after all.

Despite his work to drive the entire incident from his mind, however, Naruto still had several nightmares that night. Not because of Gaara, or Akatsuki, or anything of the sort.

No... it was because, as the fridge had slammed closed, he could have _sworn_ he heard that- that _thing_ breathe out, "Daddy!"

(O)(O)(O)

The next morning, Naruto stretched, bleary-eyed, and rose from his bed to a surprising sight. It took him a moment to remember. Despite all his pranks (and peeking), Ino had cleaned his new apartment. That was nice of her... now he almost felt bad!

Still, he would have to go forward, so maybe he could forgive her (at least her) the last prank they'd pulled, and stop doing them to her. He was just a benevolent guy like that.  
Naruto speek gudder, too.  
No, really, he knew what 'benevolent' meant. He'd been described that way, once, and had to look it up.  
"Who was that, anyway?" he tried to remember while leafing through several outfits. He could just wear his usual tracksuit, but there was always a mandatory day of downtime after any mission where you left the Village, so today would be a day off, though he would be expected to check in at the mission office. Had it been Kouyuki Kazehana, aka Princess Gale? No... maybe that little kid with the menagerie? No... Well, someone had.

Someone he knew.  
Maybe the fat princess?  
"Doesn't matter," he muttered, finally grabbing a plain white t-shirt and black shorts, and throwing them onto his bathroom counter from the closet before following in to take a shower.

Twenty-two minutes later, just as he entered the commercial districts, he felt a strange breeze, but thought nothing of it.  
It was a windy day, after all.

He didn't notice the people starting to snicker.

It wasn't, in fact, until he left Ichiraku Ramen (for his eleven-am-breakfast) that someone told him about it.

"What?" he asked, confused by Ayame's giggles- and why was she blushing?- and Teuchi's snickers. "Do I have something on my face? Did someone put a kick-me note on my back or something?"

That just made them both laugh harder.

So, scowling, Naruto ripped off his shirt and looked at the back.  
There was no note.

At least, not a paper one.  
Instead, someone had- somehow- written on his shirt without him noticing.  
Some ninja he was.

But the writing was worse.  
"The Butt of Every Joke".  
Not that bad, but...

That explained the breeze.  
And the splinters in uncomfortable places from the wooden stools at the small ramen shop.

"There's no back on my shorts, is there?"

While Naruto's hands went to cover his (yes, bare) bottom, his favorite sources of food only began to laugh louder.  
"Ino... she's so going to pay. I don't care if people check out my butt, but she ruined my shorts!"

The laughter increased yet again.

(O)(O)(O)

"Denied," The Godaime Hokage said sternly, "I won't waste my time with a cosmetic procedure. Besides, there is always the chance you'll be needed for a kunoichi-specific mission, one where your body type is most desirable. So absolutely not."

A certain lavender-eyed heiress sniffed in growing despair, "But Hokage-same, Naruto- Naruto-kun... he doesn't..."  
"What did he do now?" Tsunade growled. Still, she was an old hand at this, changing the subject wouldn't change her mind. Though it might give her something to do later.

"N- Naruto-kun, he... Tenten-san told me, shortly after he returned from Uzu, that he had... that he had peeped on her, and f-f-felt- felt her- f-f-"  
Whatever it was Hinata was trying to say made Tsunade's cheeks pink slightly, though her visage darkened considerably. "So you think just because Naruto peeped on a conveniently naked girl and grabbed her boobs, you think you have to change to fit that image? I've got a newsflash for you, Hinata. This might come as a shock, so sit down."

Reluctantly, lips trembling, Hinata did so. Being turned down for her requested breast reduction was bad enough, and she knew she wouldn't change Lady Tsunade's mind, but this...

No doubt, the Hokage herself was going to tell Hinata she wasn't good enough for her favorite- _their favorite-_ Genin.

"Naruto," Tsunade began, her voice more controlled now but still firm, "is a _boy_. That's a state the males of our species sadly enter around eleven or thirteen."

"Wh- When does it end?" Hinata had the strength- somehow- to blurt out.

Tsunade, though, didn't react poorly to being interrupted. Instead, she only humphed, "Death.

"Unfortunately," she continued over Hinata's growing horror, "that state means that he is interested in one thing over all others. That would be the female of the species. Now, as one large-chested woman to another, I can _promise_ you that all men will stare. At least, if you're lucky, those not related to you. They will stare at any bared skin, any bared breast, any ass, or whatever.

"It is part of their makeup, who they are as human males. And in some, it's even worse, and they act on it. All the time. Take my old teammate, Jiraiya."

Hinata looked up from her fidgeting hand, "Naruto-kun's Sensei?"

Tsunade nodded, "Yes. He's a pervert of the highest order. He's so obsessed with women that I've caught him peeping on me alone no fewer than eight hundred and sixty five times."  
Hinata gasped.

"Unfortunately, if I had hit him even once for every one of those times, I'd have killed him long ago, Sage Mode or not. Sometimes, and I hate that I'm saying this, you just have to let it go. So your crush peeped on another girl who- according to his side of the story, at least- was already naked when he got there. It wouldn't be the first time, also according to his file on the mission report. In fact, I think he's seen _you_ naked, on the first mission I sent you on with him. You remember, I'm sure?"

Hinata nodded slowly, her face reddening drastically all the while, "T-the-the B-Bi-B-Biko-"

"Yes," Tsunade took some mercy, "The Bikochu Beetle hunt. According to his report, he saw an angel dancing under the waterfalls on the night you spent in the dell. You were also, according to Shino's report, missing from the tent for several hours that night. Also, Naruto was missing for at least an hour when he'd only muttered about going to the bathroom while Kiba was on watch, according to both Shino and Kiba's reports. Now, you tell me... why would a graceful, short-haired angel be dancing under a waterfall in the middle of the night?  
"Why, furthermore, would a Genin who, according to her father and cousin that had no significant talent, suddenly begin to progress in their clan's style in leaps and bounds, such that _mid-combat_ on that same mission, at the tender age of thirteen, she suddenly developed a brand new technique of her own design? I can add one and one, and yes, Naruto's seen you naked. He obviously didn't recognize you, given the rumors I've heard about him turning you down when you finally confessed, but that's not the point.

"The point is... he's a guy. Guys looks. They don't always mean it to be disrespectful, because there are some guys out there- like Naruto- who are honestly just more noble than they are perverted. But given the reports I have from Jiraiya, Tenten, Neji, Gai, Lee, and Naruto himself of the incident in Uzu, I have to surmise that Naruto's report- backed up by the others- was the most accurate between he and Tenten. So you may _think_, if you want, that he felt her up and peeped. But I know Naruto, and I think you do, too. Would the Naruto you say you care so much about peep like that on purpose? No. So he must have walked into her by accident, as he claimed. And feeling her up? Well, I think I can safely say that was the pranks they were doing as payback ratcheting up. So drop it, Hinata. You aren't getting a breast reduction. It has nothing to do with Naruto not liking you the same way back. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't, but if I know one thing about Naruto, it's that he doesn't care that much for physical appearance. Even if most of it's because he's a guy and all straight guys like all straight girls' bodies... to one extent or another."

Slowly, Hinata nodded.  
She wasn't sure how, but she had proudly remained conscious despite hearing that Naruto had seen her naked, had seen her _dancing naked_ (really practicing her kata), even if only by star- and moon-light.  
Maybe it was the crushing despair.  
But...

But Tsunade was right. Naruto would be unhappy if Hinata gave up. Would be unhappy if she wallowed in misery.

So she would be strong, for him, even if he never acknowledged her own strength or returned her feelings.

It was her nindo, after all, to never give up, to never back down, to never quit, to never break a promise.

Just like his.  
So she was strong, just once more, that day. "Ano, one- one other thing, Hokage-s-sama... about N-Naruto. I don't mean any d-disrespect, b-but he h-h-has p-p-p-peeped... on me, on Tenten-san, Sakura-san, and Ino-san... at, um the O-O-Onsen... I s-s-aw him..."

The desk cracked under the weight of Tsunade's fists.  
"You did, did you?"

Now, much has been made about the Hyūga families' prized dojutsu, the Byakugan, and it's ability to aid in the detection of lies.  
Tsunade had no such thing, but she was not Hokage for nothing, nor just her own combat skills. She, like almost all ninja who survived to her ripe old age of twenty-six (or fifty something, not that anyone was counting), could detect a lie via body language. And she was more 'pro' than most at it, thanks to Orochimaru and Jiraiya.  
Hinata? She was not lying.  
"Oh, he did, did he? So that really wasn't Jiraiya? It was dear Naruto-kun, huh?"

"A- Ano... I- a-a-already b-beat h-him up for i-it..."  
"Good, good," Tsunade continued to speak, her eyes focused somewhere far beyond Hinata's shoulder, "Dismissed, Hinata. I'll be sure to speak to Naruto soon... to make sure the lesson sunk in. Have a nice day!"

(O)(O)(O)

Naruto rubbed the bruise on his jaw gently, still wincing due to the tenderness. "Owie..."

"I am sorry, Naruto-kun," Lee said, "But if you truly did such an unyouthful act as peep on the lovely Sakura-san, Tenten-san, Ino-san, and Hinata-sama, then you are right to be punished. Even if Hokage-sama may have gone a bit unyouthfully overboard, no doubt it was in her desire to protect their innocent flowers!"

Naruto winced. It was bad enough that he had to be escorted home from meeting with Tsunade- for 'security reasons' (He had heard Tsunade grumble under her breath about making sure he didn't go peep again as they'd left), but having that person be Lee? After having his 'crimes' made known to everyone who had come to report about the Gaara mission, so now Sakura and Tenten (and no doubt Ino, too, soon enough) knew he'd peeped on them all, on top of Hinata? This day couldn't get any worse...

At least he had a new mission.  
He would be leaving tomorrow, so he _might_ be able to escape their wrath. Maybe.

Now if only he could figure out how they'd rigged it so the bottoms of his pants kept disappearing as soon as he left his street...  
Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Kakashi's laughter had been the worst!

* * *

**A/N2:** Glancing through my reviews (mostly to refresh my memory as to what the unsigned guest in the above AN was referring to), I noticed there's a lot of people who don't like the pranks, or thing it's juvenile. To those people, I say this: "Humor" is listed as one of two primary genres. Has been since I set the story up. And it will continue to be that way. I understand that purile (read: Potty) humor isn't for everyone. Most of the time, it's not for me (I prefer puns, myself, especially bad ones). But this whole story was conceived as a way to increase my ability to inject humor into a story, while also covering my vague goal of writing a one-on-one (as in not harem or three-way ship) ship with every major girl in Naruto fanon/canon (excluding, for example, Karui, Samui, Naruko, etc, but including more popular girls like Shion) in at least one fic. This is the NaruTen one. Yes, that means I have (tentative, pending actual plot ideas) plans to write a strict NaruSaku, a NaruIno, a NaruHina, a NaruShion, etc. Eventually I may even actually do so.  
But the fact remains, this is a romance/humor fic. Believable romance takes time, but setting up humor does not. Therefore, there will (for a few chapters yet) be much more humor/pranks than romance- but it is coming. There will even be some romance between people besides NaruTen. Yes, that implies that Naruto and/or Tenten will date others besides the other half of that pair, but I haven't decided if that will actually be the case or not.

So, I'm sorry if the pranks or humor bother you, but it's been planned from the beginning and I'm not changing it. While I appreciate- and would continue to do so- the chance to 'be given a chance' (because I think by the end more people will be happy with the story than bothered by it overall) is enough for me. I won't be bothered too much if you just stop reading. It's your life, and if you don't enjoy it, don't waste your time reading this fic.  
That being said, however, I _do_ think if you give it a chance, you will enjoy it. At least if you've read it far enough to get to this A/N.  
And for those that do like the humor a lot (there's a lot of those reviews, too): Thanks. It's for you I post. ;)

Till next time, kiddies!


End file.
